'AITA for not feeling anything after my daughter passed away?'

"AITA for not feeling anything after my daughter passed away?"

I (M24), and two weeks ago my 7-month-old daughter passed away from complications she’d been fighting since birth. She’d spent most of her life in hospitals. Her mother my ex (22F) and I weren’t together anymore, but we tried our best to co-parent and be there for her.

When it happened I felt nothing. No breakdown, no crying, no anger. Just a blank, heavy kind of emptiness. It was like my mind hit a switch and shut down every emotion.

At the funeral, her mom completely fell apart. Her family was sobbing. People were comforting each other left and right. I stood there quietly. Not because I didn’t care but because I genuinely felt numb. I didn’t know how to express something I couldn’t feel.

After the service, my ex got angry. She told me it looked like I didn’t care at all about our daughter, that I looked “cold” and “checked out.” Her family backed her up, saying a real father would be destroyed. Someone even said I must have “never bonded with her.”

I tried to explain that I was there through everything the hospital stays, the surgeries, the fear every time a monitor beeped. I loved my daughter. But now that she’s gone, my brain feels like it slammed a door shut because the reality is too big to process.

My ex said she feels abandoned in her grief and that I’m making the loss harder for her because I “refuse to feel anything.” She said she doesn’t know how I could be so emotionless.

My friends say people grieve differently and that shock can look like this. Her family says I’m heartless.

AITA for not reacting the way everyone expected after my daughter’s passing?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

electronicsquash30 wrote:

Your brain is trying to protect you. Numbness is a common trauma response. You’re in shock. Your brain is shielding you, from experiencing all of those feelings at once. Which inevitably you will feel them, when the numbness lets up.

There is NO wrong way to grieve. You loved your daughter. Your grief is presenting differently than her mother’s. Which to the mother is confusing. That isn’t your fault. Many people think grief should be experienced the same way. But that’s not how it works. NTA, you are not an ah. I never know how to express condolences. 🫂

sugarfreeoreo11 wrote:

NTA. Many people initially react with numbness and detachment when facing the loss of a loved one. Perhaps your mind hasn't yet fully grasped that your daughter is gone. But be mindful of the emotional backlash that may follow.

For many, the grief of losing a family member spreads gradually, often leading to a sudden collapse when they abruptly realize the person is truly gone. If you experience this, seek help immediately. I sincerely hope you never have to go through this. Wishing you all the best!

reallynotsohappy2 wrote:

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. it must be hard. You're grieving, still shocked. everyone reacts and processes things differently. you're not a AH. You've been probably dealing with so many emotions since her birth and your mind must be really tired. maybe it'll hit you in few months when the other emotions wear off, or maybe you'll find another way to deal with the pain.

I remember when my grandpa passes away, all of us reacted very differently. It didn't mean one loved him more than the other. We just had to take over different responsibilities very suddenly and some of us couldn't find the time to process our emotions.

fibrobabe wrote:

Some people do kind of go numb for a while after losing someone. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It's just too big to process, so you've kind of shut down. Grief counseling should help.

As for your ex and her family, it sounds like they've decided to take their emotions out on you. It's an incredibly cruel thing to do to someone who just lost a child. You aren't together any more. You don't need to work together for your daughter's sake any more. Don't hang around to be their emotional punching bag. Cut them out of your life. NTA, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Own-Raisin5849 wrote:

People react to grief differently. For context. I lost my dog unexpectedly in 2024, he passed in my arms at 2AM, super traumatic experience, went to counseling, the whole nine yards. I was a mess for months. My Mom passed in April of this year, she was fighting cancer since 2021.

She was my best friend, best person I have known and will probably ever know. I watched her suffer (like you watched your daughter suffer) through medical issues. When she passed away, I had less of an external reaction than when my dog passed.

Does that mean I cared for my dog more than my Mom? Absurd notion. I watched and grieved for my Mom for the years she was fighting a battle she would not win.

When she passed I didn't wail or fall to my knees, but I felt an immense emptiness in my life and have ever since, maybe it sounds cliche, but it's essentially like someone knocked the light out of me, but from an outside view, it could be seen as emotionless. Anyway, NTA, not by a long shot. The people criticizing you for processing grief in your own way are ignorant of the process.

Top_Caterpillar_219 wrote:

NTA. Numbness is a form of grieving and grieving hits everyone differently. Part of grieving is to also feel angry and you served as an easy target for their anger. They needed it to be redirected somewhere and your lack of visible emotion helped them push it towards you. They were not right to do so.

Don’t be surprised if the emotion hits you suddenly. It may also never hit you. You get to decide how you grieve. I am so very for your loss and the hardship you endured the last 7 months.