'AITA for not feeling remorse for my actions as a teenager toward my dad's wife?'

"AITA for not feeling remorse for my actions as a teenager toward my dad's wife that 'terrorized' the whole household according to my grandparents?"

My mom passed when I (27f) was 7 after a lot of health issues following the birth of my younger sister (20f). My dad pawned us off on his family members for a few years after mom's passing, but refused the help of anyone from mom's family since he knew they would offer to take us in (which they did) if they were doing the parenting and he basically took us home for him to be fun time dad.

His family didn't mind helping for a while but once they got tired of it he found a woman to marry and he let her take over instead. During all of this he was doing his best to limit the contact we had with mom's family and because he let them see us, they didn't have a case for legal grandparents visitation, but we were lucky to see them once a year and he didn't even like me talking to them on the phone.

I was 10 when he remarried. But he only knew her a couple of months before they got married and he moved her in two weeks before the wedding which is when he pawned us off on her. She told me and my sister who was 3 at the time that she was our new mom and she was going to take care of us now.

I got mad and yelled at her and said she wasn't my mom. She told me I didn't have to feel that way right now but eventually I'd see she was our new mom and I couldn't stop it. I yelled some more and stormed off. That was the start of me hating that woman for insisting she was my new mom.

She used to try and touch me all the time and I'd get mad and yell at her and I slapped her hands away so many times. She was always trying to get hugs from me because she even said it was a sign we were bonding. The two of us got into more fights once I turned 12 and refused to acknowledge her when she was trying to talk to me and hug me.

It pissed her off and it pissed me off that she wouldn't leave me alone and she'd always tell me not to ignore my mom. My dad stayed totally out of it. He was still playing Disney Dad or fun time dad. He showed up to take us places but for any actual parenting or support he wasn't around and when I tried to get support from him he told me "talk to your mom."

I used to tell my sister about our mom and my dad's wife hated it. She said it was my attempt to alienate my sister from her and we'd fight about it. She always said it was disrespectful to her as our mom now. It led to more fights and I must have wished her dead hundreds of times from the age of 15 to 17, when things got really tense and high conflict.

Eventually I just left and moved in with my maternal grandparents. I was 17 and not even a senior yet but I was miserable and my sister clearly loved dad's wife and accepted her as her mom so it felt like I had no good reason to stay. She was getting put in the middle for loving us both and I just couldn't be around that woman anymore.

I think we were getting to the point where a fight would have turned physical. I haven't seen or spoken to my dad or that woman since. Contact with my sister was extremely limited until a couple of years ago. We're not very close and our differences are huge not just because of the 7 year age gap but due to the family stuff.

She's totally disconnected from mom's side and I can't stand the woman she calls mom. But we have a relationship. My paternal grandparents had said they were understanding of my feelings and they claimed to support me.

Until I got engaged that is and then they started mentioning reconciliation and when I sent out save the dates a few weeks ago and didn't include my dad or his wife, they outright asked me why I hadn't reached out to apologize to her and why I didn't show any sign of remorse for my teenage actions.

They said my hostility toward her terrorized the house and that I put her in a really bad position as the mom of the house. I asked where this came from after years of supporting me and they told me they believed supporting me as an older teen and younger adult would lead me to see that I was wrong.

They told me they expected me to regret throwing away the chance at having a second mom and treating her worse than a criminal for trying to be the mom I didn't have anymore. They said my hatefulness toward the woman willing to raise us was crazy high and they assumed through the therapy I have been attending as an adult I would see that.

I told them nothing would make me take the blame like that when she insisted she was my new mom when she wasn't. I told them they were also wrong for the new mom stuff. I said you don't replace a parent when they pass. They said not replace but add one to fill the missing space.

I said you don't even do that unless you're really young like my sister. I said I have a mom and she may be deceased, she may not have finished raising me, but she is the only woman who would ever get that title and insisting on sharing that title was never going to endear me to someone.

They said they didn't think it was a big enough crime to be treated like I treated her. They said the only wrong they saw was her trying to force physical contact but they also said I was too harsh when I would slap her hands away.

I told them I didn't agree and they looked disappointed but they also told me they could not understand me. They said a good person should be able to see how wrong I was and feel remorse for it. AITAH?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Deep_Rig_1820 wrote:

So they blame you, but don't see how that POS of a father alienated your mother's actual family and eliminated the memory for your sister regarding her bio mom? Right blame the innocent because how dare you blame their family and their son for treating you like crap. Actions have consequences. You didn't want a new mom. This situation is ridiculous, but OP definitely NTA.

OP responded:

They don't. As far as they're concerned dad did his best. I feel that's a cop out because if he wasn't going to raise us he could've let family members who wanted to do it. Instead he found someone to do it for him that kept us with him to play the fun guy whenever he felt like it.

In doing so he let my sister grow up with mom being someone who shouldn't be talked about because imagine the poor little wifey feeling jealous. He gets too much credit for fighting to keep us in my opinion.

professionaldrama- wrote:

“They said a good person should be able to see how wrong I was and feel remorse for it.”

Thank them for showing their true colors and showing you your mistake to trust them and uninvite them too. That’s what I would do.

OP responded:

Thankfully no formal invites have gone out yet so there's no need to uninvite them. I just won't send them an invite if this is how they feel. There's no reason to make my wedding a drama fest over it.

BeautifulChaosenergy wrote:

Tell your grandparents “I’m disappointed in you for believing your son was a good father. He was a failure as a father, a husband and a failure as a human being. Instead of stepping up and being an actual father to us, he married the first woman who spread her legs for him and allowed a literal stranger to raise his children instead of allowing family to step in."

"You have made it clear to me that you never actually loved me and you should be ashamed of yourselves for standing by and doing nothing while that man allowed a stranger to raise your grandkids. Don’t expect an invitation in the mail. You’re dead to me." And go no contact with them and anyone who thinks your dad did right thing