'AITA for not forcing my fiancée to wear my father's late wife's wedding dress?'
"AITA for not forcing my fiancée to wear my father's late wife's wedding dress?"
My father lost his first wife (I'm going to call her Mia) more than 30 years ago, It is a very long and complicated situation but to summarize it: my mother is the second on his heart because he's always said that the love of his life is Mia and he always made it clear.
My dad still wears his wedding ring with Mia in one hand, my mom bakes a cake for her birthday, my mom leaves my dad alone when it's his anniversary with Mia and he's feeling down, there are many photos of Mia in the house, there are even photos of her in their room because my father never wanted to change them, etc.
As crazy as it may seem, this kind of thing is very normal within couples of this type and they see that as something normal and sweet even if it is not, for example, making a cake every Mia's birthday was the idea of another woman who is also married to a widower and does the same thing.
I've been raised that way, kind of having two mothers...even if it wasn't like that. It was not a healthy childhood but luckily I have gone to therapy to work on all the issues that this caused.
My mother always says that he gives her the space she deserves and feels equally loved like he loves his first wife, my silbings and I don't see it that way because our mother deserves better, but if she is happy we will not ruin her happiness so we never talk about it.
Now, coming to the problem; I'm going to marry my fiancée, her mother never had a wedding ceremony so she doesn't have a wedding dress to inherit so my girlfriend excitedly told me that she thinks it would be cute to ask my mother if she can use her dress. My mom has mentioned that in the past and I don't have any sisters so I thought it was a nice idea.
Anyway, I talked to my mom about lending her dress to my fiancée and she got really excited and said yes. My mother had spoken several times about wanting to have a daughter to wear her dress and she was very excited when my fiancée asked her to wear it, she even tried it on. That conversation was closed.
Now, almost a month after we talked about it, my mom asked my fiancée that it would be nice to wear Mia's wedding dress. My fiancée told her no, she feels a connection with my mother and not with Mia, she doesn't even know Mia.
After that my mother has been asking me to try to convince my fiancée to wear Mia's dress, My father wanted me to put up the typical decoration to commemorate the deceased, but I told him I won't do that, so my mother now wants my fiancée to wear Mia's dress to commemorate her....
...and for her to be present too because she was someone really special (again; I never meet her, I don't know who she was. My fiancée told me that Mia is a total stranger to her). My fiancée wants my mother's dress, she wants to give her a special place at the wedding since my mother sees her as a daughter and she as a second mother and wants to have a special moment.
I told my mother that I don't intend to do that, it even seems gloomy and weird to me but I have been raised around Mia's memory that sometimes I don't even understand if I am exaggerating or not.
AITA? Being raised in this kind of way sometimes makes me feel confused about what is normal and not in a family, it would be normal to ask my fiancée to wear Mia's dress in my family dynamic, but I don't know what someone who was raised normally would do and if I am a bad person for not wanting to have done it.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Peony-Pony said:
NTA. Why would your fiancee want to wear the dress of woman neither you or she has a connection? No offense to your parents but it's a weird and creepy request and your father wanting you to have some sort of in memoriam at your wedding to his deceased wife is odd.
Anxious_Ad2683 said:
Nta. But, your mother is in an abusive relationship. She needs help. He might big be physical but he's destroyed her emotional well being.
zjmhy said:
I feel so bad for your mother. Unfortunately, if she's content being second place to a dead woman even at her own son's wedding, there's nothing you can do. NTA.
AllInkalicious said:
NTA. But your father is a controlling, unreasonable (slightly unhinged) complete AH. You’ve had to endure this utter nonsense your entire life, and while your mother has accepted it, this is your time. The beginning of a new chapter in both of your lives. This ghost cannot be part of your future.
Mooshu1981 said:
NTA. Not your mother. Not your issue. I would advise your fiancé just to buy a dress and leave it at that.
qtcyclone said:
NTA. And I don’t understand this fixation on wearing old dresses. My mom’s old dress was somewhere in the basement. I never once thought of wearing it. Wanted something in style, that fit me well. Just say “we decided to buy a new dress that (fiancée) loves." Then buy it. Your parents both need serious therapy.