'AITA for not forcing my son to keep helping my daughter’s friend after she rejected him?'
"AITA for not forcing my son to keep helping my daughter’s friend after she rejected him?"
I’m a dad of two kids in the Midwest. My son, John (17m) and a daughter Brit (17f) both in high school. Brit has a close friend, Melissa. For the past several months, John had been helping Melissa with things due to her mom working crazy days/hours (nurse).
John helps with rides to work and a college prep class they are taking together. John and Melissa work at the same place on the same schedule three days a week, and we live in a small town with no public transportation.
They’re both in a dual enrollment program that lets high school students take college-level courses. Passing these classes is basically required to enter in the program they’re pursuing. John was both her ride to/from and her study partner which John is academically inclined… must get that from him mother lol.
John developed feelings for Melissa and eventually asked her out. She politely declined and said she wanted to focus on her education but wanted to remain friendly. I think that’s completely fair, and she handled it the best anyone could ask from another person.
After being turned down, John decided to stop giving Melissa rides and told me and his sister that he didn’t want her coming over anymore because he needed space to get over his feelings.
I initially told him that was unreasonable and that rejection is part of life and that he needed to be mature and handle it better. Sure it’s not easy but he was to smart not to know what the outcome would be if she turned him down.
We talked it through more calmly later and honestly I was impressed with how he reflected on it. He realized he was acting emotionally, apologized to his sister, and explained that continuing to be around Melissa was making it harder for him to move on. He wasn’t rude to her, didn’t lash out, and didn’t blame her he just set boundaries which I thought was healthy and the mature thing to do.
The problem is that Melissa now doesn’t have a ride to work or to the prep class, and she’s at risk of being dropped from the program and possibly losing her job. I think she’s missed a fair amount of work. As for the class John claims that she would probably be dropped if she misses two more classes.
Brit is furious. She says John is being spiteful and punishing Melissa for rejecting him. I told Brit she needed to stop and to leave it alone. I explained that Melissa doesn’t owe John a relationship but John also doesn’t owe Melissa continued friendship, rides, or any kind of labor. I also told her that blaming John for consequences he didn’t cause on purpose was immature and unfair.
Brit refused to drop it and started an argument where she said some things that were out of line toward her brother. At that point, I grounded her and although we’ve had some talks, I don’t think we’ve made much progress.
I have not told John to resume helping Melissa, nor do I intend to. I don’t think forcing him to ignore his feelings to fix someone else’s situation is fair, but I do feel bad. Melissa’s mom struggles enough due to being a single mother and Melissa losing her job and being dropped from the program seems like a a lot for two people already struggling. So, AITA for not making my son continue helping my daughter’s friend?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Can Brit drive her? Can she ask other classmates? How long does John not want to be around her? Especially since he is still around her since they have class together and work together. Melissa should be working on a solution to her transportation issues.
LiveWire0044 (OP)
Brit can’t. She works and play sports. John hasn’t said when he wants to be around just that he wants space.
So Brit could, but has other priorities. Just like John does now. His priority is his emotional health.
Excellent point. John was supposed to swallow down his hurt feelings but Brit experts her life/schedule/priorities to remain unimpacted.
This is an exceptionally good point. We need to teach kids that priorities include emotional health. You should be nice and kind because that's a good way to be, but asking for space after romantic rejection is ok and emotionally healthy.
Honestly, John is acting incredibly mature. He took a shot and expressed his interest in a woman, she turned him down and he accepted it and moved on with his life. A s***** version of this would have him continuing to drive her with the hopes that he could somehow win her over. Giving himself space to emotionally deal with it is absolutely healthy.
John is NOT Melissa's parent, and neither are you. I was a single mom who had a hard time in these situations often, but it was MY job to figure those things out, and I would NEVER have expected nor felt like I was entitled to anyone else's time, energy, or money to help me out.
I taught my son to walk, and ride the bus and metro to get to places he needed to go. It's served him well, as he has been stuck in other cities in the world, and ALWAYS knew how to read a metro map, and figure his way out using public transport.
It's your job as a parent to create functional, independent adults who can solve their own problems. If Melissa cannot find another person to give her rides, she and her mother must come up with another solution.
And congratulations on your mature son, who is handling it the right way, and not being some horrible incel dude who either won't' leave her alone, or wants to make her uncomfortable.
NTA. This situation just really sucks.
That poor girl was damned if she did and damned if she didn’t.
By asking in the middle of the class, John unwittingly set up a terrible, exploitative situation where Melissa either needed to acquiesce to his romantic demands or lose necessary transportation that she had come to rely on.
Ideally, John should’ve asked Melissa out when Melissa was no longer in a position where she had to rely on John. I think it’s a awful situation because of the way it was handled initially.
At this point, NAH, but I’d talk to John about thinking about the implications of tendering romantic affections to women who are relying on him, then refusing to help them if they reject his romantic overtures. It looks and feels exploitative, regardless if it was meant that way or not.