Man's husband cheats with his ex's wife at their son's birthday party, unearthing years of years of twisted deception. AITA? UPDATED 5X
"WIBTA for not forgiving my husband for cheating on me with his ex-wife?"
I'm honestly a mess and I don't know what to do, so any advice would be appreciated. I (27m) and my husband (37m) have been married for 3 years, dating for six. He has an ex-wife (37f) which he divorced a year before we met. We have a son (7m) who was adopted after we got married and who I love as my own child, because he is.
I know my husband, Peter (fake name) is bisexual, I have no problem with it and I had no problem with his ex-wife, Allison (Also fake name), I did have a problem with his family as they're a bit homophobic and are always telling Peter he should get back together with Allison.
Well, two weeks ago, we were at his family's town because it was my son, Jack's (fake name) birthday and we wanted to spend it as family. My mother in law, decided it would be a good a idea to invite Allison so she arrived in the middle of the party, I didn't want to ruin Jack's birthday so I stayed quiet. I spent all my time with Jack, playing with him and his cousins at his request.
When it was time to cut the cake, I noticed Allison and Peter weren't there, so I went inside and looked for them around the house. I found them in Peter's old bedroom taking their clothes off. I stood there in shock for a moment but then I left and went back to celebrating Jack's birthday.
Part of me wanted to scream and cry but I also was in shock and I refused to make Jack's birthday about me. We cut the cake and opened the presents, people were already leaving when Allison and Peter came back.
Peter took me aside and started saying that I shouldn't have cut the cake without him present and it was disrespectful. I stared at him and just said "I'm sorry, I just thought you'd be too busy getting into your ex-wife's pants".
He got quiet so I took Jack and left the house to go back to the hotel. Once I put Jack in bed and made sure he was asleep, I locked myself in the bathroom and broke down. I called a friend and he tried his best to console me.
I only calmed down in the morning when I took Jack for breakfast because I didn't want him to see me like that. I'm now watching him play in the park and I don't want him to suffer, I don't want him to have a broken family, I don't want him to know that relationships aren't a happy ever after.
Peter has been calling and texting, apologizing for everything and I'm tempted to forgive him, I'm tempted to just have my family back, and all my friends are saying that it was just a mistake, that he was vulnerable and Allison is his ex wife. So what am I supposed to do now? I need the advice from people who don't know my husband or me personally. Please, any advice is helpful.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Teach your son that his future partners has to respect him and their relationship by not being a cheating monster.
Majestic_Designer781 (OP)
I do want to teach him this stuff but he's too young and I'm just scared that he'll get a bad view of relationships if he sees his parents divorce.
He cheated on you AT YOUR SON’S BIRTHDAY PARTY! He wasn’t out drinking and messed up, he left you and your son, who I’m assuming hasn’t had many birthday parties as he was only adopted 3 years ago, and cheated. That’s slimy as heck. You deserve so much better.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Well, first of all, I want to thank you all for your advice and I want to explain some things before the actual update. But thank you for opening my eyes about my situation.
1. Peter and Allison didn't notice me when I saw them. There was music very loud downstairs and they weren't facing the door.
2. I didn't stop them because I was in shock, I just stood there for a moment and I heard my son so I unconsciously focused on him. I was pretty much in autopilot.
3. Peter didn't come to the hotel with me because I changed to a different one, he did try to follow me but I took a taxi and left. As far as I know, he's staying with his parents and Allison left.
4. We met when I was 20 and he was 30, we started as friends, and we ended up dating. Yes, we're both men and no, I didn't feel manipulated or groomed by him.
Those were the most asked things and I did answer some comments, not all. Now onto the update.
I did as some of you said and took some tests to discard any STIs or STDs, the results are coming back in a few days, and I will take another one in three weeks to be sure. My son is having a sleepover with a friend and I decided to speak with my husband.
He came by our house after a few minutes I texted him, he asked about Jack and I told him where he was, then we sat on the couch and started talking. I started crying after a few minutes and he followed after. I asked some simple questions "When? Why? How many times?"
Among others, and this is what I could figure out by all the things he said: It happened for the first time when he visited his parents alone two years ago, they invited her, they both got drunk, he was feeling lonely as I had been more attention to Jack since we adopted him, and they slept together.
Nothing happened again until our sons birthday party, he said his mother pressured him a bit and he caved in. I don't believe he did it for that reason but I don't know. He said he doesn't love her and I believe him but it doesn't negate the fact of what he did.
After talking for a while, I told him that I wanted a divorce. He started sobbing and begging for another chance but I told him that I can't give him another chance because I wouldn't be able to trust him again and I don't want that in a relationship.
He kept crying and begging for another thirty minutes until I told him that we have to think about Jack and his well being, that we could stay friends ds and coparent him. He got mad, really mad.
He started yelling that it was all Jack's fault, that we shouldn't have adopted him, that he's the one who's getting between us. I was crying and really scared, I had never seen him this angry. He hit the table and stormed out of the house.
I called the house where Jack is staying at and told them if Peter shows up there, they can't open the door. After the little episode, I was scared that Peter would try to hurt Jack.
I called my friend again, Thomas, and told him everything that happened. He came by and is staying with me until I'm better. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do and how to go on with the divorce.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Sorry you are going through this. On the bright side, it seems that you will have no problem getting a full custody. It is better to have one loving parent, than two co-parents, where one is resenting you for mere existence.
I can’t believe that he is taking no accountability for his actions and blaming your completely innocent son!! Every time you start missing your soon to be ex I want you to please remember what he said about your son.. it will be painful but it will strengthen your heart and mind to move on from that toxic man… you are definitely not the AH… keep striving for a healthy happy new relationship for you and your son..
NTA. Cheating is cheating, doesn't matter if its his ex or some random stranger. I am confused - his mother pressured him a bit and he caved in. Like you I wouldn't believe he was pressured, he made the decision to cheat. Getting angry when you ask for a divorce is abuse and you are right to prioritise looking after yourself and you son.
Eleven days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hi again. Sorry for taking so long to update but it's been a chaotic week and I'm pretty shaken up but I'll try to summarize it. My husband has been showing up at my work, following me, and calling me from burner phones. I was afraid he'd go after Jack like many of you said he would, but he didn't. He said a lot of stuff but I'll try to write the important things.
He said that he missed when we were just us, that I stopped paying attention to him when we adopted that Jack, that I wasn't his, anymore. He said that he missed how dependent I was on him, I was very insecure when we met but I started working on my issues when we adopted Jack because I didn't want to be a bad example for him.
When we got married, I used to get sick all the time, I was weak and tired, so he would take care of me 24/7. The doctors couldn't tell what was wrong with me and I didn't get better until a bit after we adopted Jack. I guess that dependence it's what he missed?
Yesterday, he followed me to work and started screaming that I was his and that we made vows to stay together, we had to call security and he waited for me next to my car. I panicked and took a taxi home.
He keeps messaging me and showing up to our house, I took a few weeks off work to be with Jack although he's taking this better than me. I made an appointment with a therapist for him and when the divorce is finalized, I'll go to one myself. I've been debating what to do, so I'll update when something happens.
A month and a half later, the OP returned with another update.
Hi guys, this is the final update for anyone who is interested, I'm only doing this update to give it some closure and because some people messaged me to ask for it. So here it is.
This has been a really difficult time but I'm almost divorced, I have primary custody of Jack, and I've got a restriction order against Peter and Allison. I'll try to be quick but a lot happened.
So, after I made the post, Peter kept calling and stalking me, I didn't know what to do until I started packing Peter's stuff and I found a box of pictures of me before we met, like three or four years before we met, while he was still married to Allison.
I never knew why they got divorced, he just said it was too painful to talk about so I never asked, but I swallowed my anger and sent Allison a message to ask her about the pictures and she told me that they got divorced because she saw him stalking my Facebook several times and found the same box I did.
He called it an innocent crush and curiosity but she thought he was cheating on her and they got divorced, a year later, he met me, but Allison always thought that I was the side piece.
I read a few comments saying that I maybe was sick because he was making me sick, I don't know if that's possible, I don't really know. I mean, the illness were bad enough to make me stay in bed, like having a bad cold, but I don't know, I stopped digging.
After I found the pictures, I confronted Peter without Jack in the house and he seemed, I don't know, proud? He kept smiling and saying that all he did was for us, that it was love at first sight, and we were destined, he was just making sure it happened.
Apparently, we had met before we became friends, I remember meeting him at a party through some friends but we met before, as teenagers. He and I lived in close by towns and my school made some trips to the towns nearby and we met on one of those trips.
We were something like friends but only for a summer because he went to college and I soon forgot about him, but he found my Facebook, and the story continued. I was horrified, to say the least, he tried to console me and tell me that it was fine, that he did it out of love, and that if only we hadn't adopted Jack, everything would be fine.
I was bawling my eyes out, my entire marriage was a lie. He said that he only slept with Allison because he knew that it would get my attention and that we didn't have to go through with the divorce, that I know he loves me and that's it.
He promised to be a better dad for Jack if I made more time for him. He told me to quit my job because he earned enough to take care of all of us and that would give me more time with him. I was in shock and then he hugged, calming me down.
I admit that for a moment, I allowed him to hold me, I allowed myself to consider his proposal, but I kept thinking about his lies, it wasn't about the cheating, it was the stalking, the lies, the obsession, it creeped me out so I tried to pull away and tell him I'd go through with the divorce.
He refused, he hugged me tighter and screamed that I needed him, that he could protect me, he could take care of me, he could save me, that I was his husband and only his. I was terrified, I slapped him and pulled away, yelling at him to get out of my house.
He didn't. He just kept screaming and holding onto me until a neighbor heard the commotion and called the police. I filed a restriction order and been taking care of Jack since.
During the divorce proceedings, Peter asked for 50-50 custody, which surprised me because in all this time, he hasn't cared about seeing Jack, but I later found out that it was only because he would get to see me and talk to me regularly.
He's been contesting every single thing about the divorce, trying to make it last longer than it has, and it's been working. He offered to give me child support even though we have 50-50 custody, he allowed me to keep the house, and other stuff.
So, that's what's been going on in my life, the only happy thing that happened was Halloween, Jack insisted on dressing up as Spiderman and me dressing up as Tony Stark so we did and I took him Trick or Treating.
It was the most adorable sight ever and I knew I made the right choice with him and Peter. I'm sorry for such a long post but this will probably be the last update, thank you so much for the advice and for hearing me rant.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Words do not exist in any language to describe how messed up this is. Psychopath? Narcissist? Both? Updateme!
You’re 27. He’s 37. But he has pictures of you from before he left for college???? So he was 18 and you were 8? He was 20 and you were 10? Make it make sense because it sure looks like he met you when you were a literal child and stalked you until you were an adult and started dating him at 21.
Majestic_Designer781 (OP)
He had pictures from before I thought we met when I was 20. And he was already in college, he was just spending the summer in his hometown, we met in the summer when I was ablut fourteen. I'm sorry for the messy writing, English isn't my first language.
Five and a half months later, the OP returned with another update.
I know I said that my last update would be the final but I'm so very confused right now. So, we're finishing with the divorce proceedings but Peter's attitude has given a 180° and I don't know if I'm crazy or what.
The last time I posted here, Peter was basically saying that our son was the reason for our divorce and only wanted custody of him to see me. We'll, now he's being father of the year.
A friend of mine, Dean (fake name) is handling the drops and pick ups of Jack so that I don't see Peter, at first he was mad and called me because he thought he and I were dating, then he didn't care.
Now, I thought that he would treat Jack badly and I kept a very close on him, asked him questions about his father, how everything was going, etc. Jack told me that he's been acting like the perfect Dad, he's nice, he plays with him, helps him, and is completely different from before.
I have talked to Peter and he told me he was going to therapy, which I'm happy for, and he has messaged me, apologized, and told me that we should try couples therapy. I declined and he hasn't asked again but he wants us to meet up at his house tomorrow to discuss everything that happened, he said it was part of his therapy.
I haven't gone to therapy, I can't afford it right now, but Jack is. I can't say I don't miss Peter because he was a great partner and husband before everything went down, but I don't trust him after all that happened. So, I don't know what to say to him tomorrow or how to express how I feel about it.
Is it wrong to miss him? I mean, this whole thing happened because he slept with someone else and I know that he hasn't seen Allison and won't be seeing her again because she's also done.
Should I just move past it? Jack is also saying that he misses the three of us together, he's cried to me about it more times than I can count and asks why I can't forgive his dad. What the hell am I supposed to do? To feel?
It's a shirt update. I guess that I'm just trying to vent without judgement from the people I know and give an update to those who asked it. Thanks again for all the support I received in my other posts.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
It’s love bombing. He knows your child is your priority and so that’s what he’s targeting. My ex cheated and was a diagnosed sociopath/sex addict. To “prove he’d changed” he joined sex addicts anon to show he had changed. Even sent me a photo of his one month chip. I told him I’d never take him back regardless.
So he never went back again, and told me that he’d wished he’d given me an std (I was pregnant) so that I’d have a “effed up kid” so that no one would ever want me… Love bombing isn’t sending gifts, it’s knowing someone so well that you can target them to get what you want..
I would be very careful right now, he’s acting like father of the year which is out of character for him. He knows what you value and it’s Jack. So he’s doing everything to win you back by being the best Dad to Jack. He even has Jack asking you why you can’t forgive his father. I would be wary that he’s coaching Jack in small ways to try to win you back.
This is either genuine or a master plan. The way he acted before about you being his makes me think it may not be genuine. I would stay the line you’re currently in and just monitor the situation because the last thing you want to do is cave only to realize it was all fake.
He even told you before that he cheated because you were not paying enough attention to him so what happens if he feels like that again? Green light for him to sleep with someone else? I wish you all the best. Updateme.
It would be idiotic to even see him in private let alone contemplate getting back together with him. Actually doing that would be insane. This isn’t an epic love story. This is a Stephen King horror story in the making.
Nine days later, the OP returned with another update.
Okay, I'm going to clear up a few things before I give you the actual update, I don't answer comments, I prefer to answer every question here instead of answering the same question separately.
1-I should've explained ir better but my restriction order was a temporal one, only for 30 days. 2-Peter was a very good husband. I read that he was abusive all throughout our relationship, he wasn't. And he was a good dad to Jack.
Everything went to hell when I caught him cheating. 3-What Jack was saying wasn't told by Peter, I talked to him and I made sure, he just has been missing our life before. 4-Peter would NEVER touch Jack like some of you suggested. My case may make it seem like he could, but he never even touched me or groomed me. I did talk to Jack, just to make sure, and he reassured me nothing happened.
Now, onto the update. I did meet with Peter, most of you told me not to go to his apartment so I told him to meet at a park, take a walk, or something. When I saw him, he was different. He looked very depressed and he hugged me when he saw me. He wouldn't stop apologizing for what happened.
We started talking and walking, he didn't justify what he said or did, but he did say he regrets it. He said that he misses me and misses being together. I asked about Allison and he told me that he cut her and his parents out, which I believe he did, and then I asked about what he said about Jack.
He basically said that he resented Jack for a long time because my attention wasn't on him anymore, and it was selfish, but he was too used to be the center of my world so when it suddenly changed, he couldn't take it. He told me he loves Jack but that he sustains that if giving him up meant to have me back, he would do it in a heartbeat.
We talked for hours while Jack was with my friend, I cried a lot, there were things I decided not to ask like if he was drugging me like some of you said, because I honestly don't want to know.
We have been texting these past days, mostly about Jack, but I'm considering family therapy, mostly to help Jack cope with everything. The divorce is still happening which Peter wasn't too happy about but he wasn't angry anymore, just sad.
I also recently met a guy in a coffee shop and we have been texting a lot so I'll see how that turns out. And that's it for the moment, I'll update you guys if you have many questions or if something else happens.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s updates:
You dating someone else is going to show you who Peter REALLY is because you still refuse to believe it.
“He was a very good husband and father. Except for the stalking, cheating and poisoning me for years. But really, great dude.”
I truly don’t understand how OP can live his life blissfully willfully ignorant of the giant axe hanging over his head. His ex was fixated on him when he was a child and stalked him and manipulated a relationship with him as a very new adult.
Now his ex is convinced at a delusional level that their lives would be perfect and all will be well again if they just get rid of the child they adopted together. I see no way this doesn’t end without violence to someone. Either ex is going to do something to the child or something to OP when he realizes they’re never going to reconcile or that OP is dating.