Man finds husband cheating with ex-wife during their son's birthday party, discovers his much darker past. AITA? UPDATED 3X
"WIBTA for not forgiving my husband for cheating on me with his ex-wife?"
Majestic_Designer781
I'm honestly a mess and I don't know what to do, so any advice would be appreciated. I (27m) and my husband (37m) have been married for 3 years, dating for six. He has an ex-wife (37f) which he divorced a year before we met. We have a son (7m) who was adopted after we got married and who I love as my own child, because he is.
I know my husband, Peter (fake name) is bisexual, I have no problem with it and I had no problem with his ex-wife, Allison (Also fake name), I did have a problem with his family as they're a bit homophobic and are always telling Peter he should get back together with Allison.
Well, two weeks ago, we were at his family's town because it was my son, Jack's (fake name) birthday and we wanted to spend it as family. My mother in law, decided it would be a good a idea to invite Allison so she arrived in the middle of the party. I didn't want to ruin Jack's birthday so I stayed quiet. I spent all my time with Jack, playing with him and his cousins at his request.
When it was time to cut the cake, I noticed Allison and Peter weren't there, so I went inside and looked for them around the house. I found them in Peter's old bedroom taking their clothes off.
I stood there in shock for a moment but then I left and went back to celebrating Jack's birthday. Part of me wanted to scream and cry but I also was in shock and I refused to make Jack's birthday about me. We cut the cake and opened the presents, people were already leaving when Allison and Peter came back.
Peter took me aside and started saying that I shouldn't have cut the cake without him present and it was disrespectful. I stared at him and just said "I'm sorry, I just thought you'd be too busy getting into your ex-wife's pants".
He got quiet so I took Jack and left the house to go back to the hotel. Once I put Jack in bed and made sure he was asleep, I locked myself in the bathroom and broke down.
I called a friend and he tried his best to console me. I only calmed down in the morning when I took Jack for breakfast because I didn't want him to see me like that.
I'm now watching him play in the park and I don't want him to suffer, I don't want him to have a broken family, I don't want him to know that relationships aren't a happy ever after. Peter has been calling and texting, apologizing for everything and I'm tempted to forgive him.
I'm tempted to just have my family back, and all my friends are saying that it wad just a mistake, that he was vulnerable and Allison is his ex wife. So what am I supposed to do now? I need the advice from people who don't know my husband or me personally. Please, any advice is helpful.
Here were the comments in response to the OP's initial post:
HarlotteHoehansson
Teach your son that his future partners has to respect him and their relationship by not being a cheating liar.
Majestic_Designer781 (OP)
I do want to teach him this stuff but he's too young and I'm just scared that he'll get a bad view of relationships if he sees his parents divorce.
Sweet-Salt-1630
NTA but you should leave. I know it won't be easy, but if you stay, think of it as showing Jack that it's okay for your husband or wife to treat you badly. If you want him to know about happily ever after, you need to show him that it's okay to not settle and you work hard for your goals no matter what they are, and work towards them with kindness, honesty, and integrity.
Kids are far more impressionable than we give credit for, and as someone who has known so many families where the person being hurt hasn't walked away, that hurt spreads until it damages everyone.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Majestic_Designer781
Well, first of all, I want to thank you all for your advice and I want to explain some things before the actual update. But thank you for opening my eyes about my situation.
Peter and Allison didn't notice me when I saw them. There was music very loud downstairs and they weren't facing the door. I didn't stop them because I was in shock, I just stood there for a moment and I heard my son so I unconsciously focused on him. I was pretty much in autopilot.
Peter didn't come to the hotel with me because I changed to a different one, he did try to follow me but I took a taxi and left. As far as I know, he's staying with his parents and Allison left.
We met when I was 20 and he was 30, we started as friends, and we ended up dating. Yes, we're both men and no, I didn't feel manipulated or groomed by him. Those were the most asked things and I did answer some comments, not all. Now onto the update.
I did as some of you said and take some tests to check for any STIs or STDs, the results are coming back in a few days, and I will take another one in three weeks to be sure. My son is having a sleepover with a friend and I decided to speak with my husband.
He came by our house a few minutes after I texted him. He asked about Jack and I told him where he was, then we sat on the couch and started talking. I started crying after a few minutes and he followed after.
I asked some simple questions "When? Why? How many times?" Among others, and this is what I could figure out by all the things he said: It happened for the first time when he visited his parents alone two years ago.
They invited her, they both got drunk, he was feeling lonely as I had been more attention to Jack since we adopted him, and they slept together. Nothing happened again until our son's birthday party.
He said his mother pressured him a bit and he caved in. I don't believe he did it for that reason but I don't know. He said he doesn't love her and I believe him but it doesn't negate the fact of what he did.
After talking for a while, I told him that I wanted a divorce. He started sobbing and begging for another chance but I told him that I can't give him another chance because I wouldn't be able to trust him again and I don't want that in a relationship.
He kept crying and begging for another thirty minutes until I told him that we have to think about Jack and his well being, that we could stay friends ds and coparent him. He got mad, really mad.
He started yelling that it was all Jack's fault, that we shouldn't have adopted him, that he's the one who's getting between us. I was crying and really scared, I had never seen him this angry. He hit the table and stormed out of the house. I called the house where Jack is staying at and told them if Peter shows up there, they can't open the door.
After the little episode, I was scared that Peter would try to hurt Jack. I called my friend again, Thomas, and told him everything that happened. He came by and is staying with me until I'm better. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do and how to go on with the divorce.
Here were the top rated comments in response to the OP's first update:
bizianka
Sorry you are going through this. On the bright side, it seems that you will have no problem getting a full custody. It is better to have one loving parent, than two co-parents, where one is resenting you for mere existence.
Routine-Bet9458
I can’t believe that he is taking no accountability for his actions and blaming your completely innocent son!! Every time you start missing your soon to be ex I want you to please remember what he said about your son.
It will be painful but it will strengthen your heart and mind to move on from that toxic man… you are definitely not the AH… keep striving for a healthy happy new relationship for you and your son.
RaddishSlaw
NTA. Cheating is cheating, doesn't matter if its his ex or some random stranger. I am confused - his mother pressured him a bit and he caved in. Like you I wouldn't believe he was pressurised, he made the decision to cheat. Getting angry when you ask for a divorce is abuse and you are right to prioritise looking after yourself and you son.
Eleven days later, the OP returned with another update.
Majestic_Designer781
Hi again.
Sorry for taking so long to update but it's been a chaotic week and I'm pretty shaken up but I'll try to summarize it.
My husband has been showing up at my work, following me, and calling me from burner phones. I was afraid he'd go after Jack like many of you said he would, but he didn't. He said a lot of stuff but I'll try to write the important things.
He said that he missed when we were just us, that I stopped paying attention to him when we adopted that Jack, that I wasn't his, anymore. He said that he missed how dependent I was on him, I was very insecure when we met but I started working on my issues when we adopted Jack because I didn't want to be a bad example for him.
When we got married, I used to get sick all the time, I was weak and tired, so he would take care of me 24/7. The doctors couldn't tell what was wrong with me and I didn't get better until a bit after we adopted Jack. I guess that dependence is what he missed?
Yesterday, he followed me to work and started screaming that I was his and that we made vows to stay together. We had to call security and he waited for me next to my car. I panicked and took a taxi home.
He keeps messaging me and showing up to our house, I took a few weeks off work to be with Jack although he's taking this better than me. I made an appointment with a therapist for him and when the divorce is finalized, I'll go to one myself. I've been debating what to do, so I'll update when something happens.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's second update:
manygoodies
The unexplained illnesses once you were married is a great concern. Were you chronically ill before you were married to him? If not, it may be possible that he did something cause your illnesses and thus making you more dependent on him.
SoCentralRainImSorry
Thank goodness this pinged someone else’s “BS” meter! Was there a pattern to your illnesses? After how he’s behaved, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that he was making you sick to control you, and only stopped after the adoption because he needed you to care for your son.
Federal_Pineapple267
"...that we made vows to stay together" Oh wow. It's so optimistic of him to assume that cheating doesn't change anything to these vows in his mind. He cheated on you in his parents' home. More than once. I got so angry in your name.
Please, safety before everything. I don't know if you ever contacted Peter's family but I think you should. They are partially responsible for what had happened and they should take action for your son's and your sake. Also I think Peter has some mental problems in his head. What I have read is not coming from a heathy mind.
Amonth and a half later, the OP returned with their final update.
Majestic_Designer781
Hi guys, this is the final update for anyone who is interested, I'm only doing this update to give it some closure and because some people messaged me to ask for it. So here it is.
This has been a really difficult time but I'm almost divorced, I have primary custody of Jack, and I've got a restriction order against Peter and Allison. I'll try to be quick but a lot happened.
So, after I made the post, Peter kept calling and stalking me, I didn't know what to do until I started packing Peter's stuff and I found a box of pictures of me before we met, like three or four years before we met, while he was still married to Allison.
I never knew why they got divorced, he just said it was too painful to talk about so I never asked, but I swallowed my anger and sent Allison a message to ask her about the pictures and she told me that they got divorced because she saw him stalking my Facebook several times and found the same box I did.
He called it an innocent crush and curiosity but she thought he was cheating on her and they got divorced, a year later, he met me, but Allison always thought that I was the side piece.
I read a few comments saying that I maybe was sick because he was making me sick, I don't know if that's possible, I don't really know. I mean, the illness were bad enough to make me stay in bed, like having a bad cold, but I don't know, I stopped digging.
After I found the pictures, I confronted Peter without Jack in the house and he seemed, I don't know, proud? He kept smiling and saying that all he did was for us, that it was love at first sight, and we were destined, he was just making sure it happened.
Apparently, we had met before we became friends, I remember meeting him at a party through some friends but we met before, as teenagers. He and I lived in close by towns and my school made some trips to the towns nearby and we met on one of those trips.
We were something like friends but only for a summer because he went to college and I soon forgot about him, but he found my Facebook, and the story continued. I was horrified, to say the least, he tried to console me and tell me that it was fine, that he did it out of love, and that if only we hadn't adopted Jack, everything would be fine.
I was bawling my eyes out, my entire marriage was a lie. He said that he only slept with Allison because he knew that it would get my attention and that we didn't have to go through with the divorce, that I know he loves me and that's it.
He promised to be a better dad for Jack if I made more time for him. He told me to quit my job because he earned enough to take care of all of us and that would give me more time with him. I was in shock and then he hugged, calming me down.
I admit that for a moment, I allowed him to hold me, I allowed myself to consider his proposal, but I kept thinking about his lies, it wasn't about the cheating, it was the stalking, the lies, the obsession, it creeped me out so I tried to pull away and tell him I'd go through with the divorce.
He refused, he hugged me tighter and screamed that I needed him, that he could protect me, he could take care of me, he could save me, that I was his husband and only his.
I was terrified, I slapped him and pulled away, yelling at him to get out of my house. He didn't. He just kept screaming and holding onto me until a neighbor heard the commotion and called the police. I filed a restraining order and have been taking care of Jack since.
During the divorce proceedings, Peter asked for 50-50 custody, which surprised me because in all this time, he hasn't cared about seeing Jack, but I later found out that it was only because he would get to see me and talk to me regularly.
He's been contesting every single thing about the divorce, trying to make it last longer than it has, and it's been working. He offered to give me child support even though we have 50-50 custody, he allowed me to keep the house, and other stuff.
So, that's what's been going on in my life, the only happy thing that happened was Halloween, Jack insisted on dressing up as Spiderman and me dressing up as Tony Stark so we did and I took him Trick or Treating.
It was the most adorable sight ever and I knew I made the right choice with him and Peter. I'm sorry for such a long post but this will probably be the last update, thank you so much for the advice and for hearing me rant.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final post:
DMPinhead
"He said that he only slept with Allison because he knew that it would get my attention and that we didn't have to go through with the divorce, that I know he loves me and that's it."
Words do not exist in any language to describe how messed up this is. Psychopath? Narcissist? Both?
Sweet-Interview5620
Please get security cameras and a doorbell camera and regularly search your car for tracking apps as well as your son’s coat. He will most likely know you will take your son most places with you. Also advice only using a parenting messaging app so he can only contact you through that about your son.
They have pre set messages he can choose from and it stops him being able to harass and message you about other things. That way if he messages you about anything else you report it to the police abreach of the restraining order.
CleanAmy
You’re so strong for sharing your story and taking the steps you have to get out of such a toxic relationship. Please remember you have every right to protect yourself and your son, and to set boundaries with people who try to manipulate or control you.