'WIBTA for not forgiving my husband for cheating on me with his ex-wife?' UPDATED
"WIBTA for not forgiving my husband for cheating on me with his ex-wife?"
I'm honestly a mess and I don't know what to do, so any advice would be appreciated.
I (27m) and my husband (37m) have been married for 3 years, dating for six. He has an ex-wife (37f) which he divorced a year before we met. We have a son (7m) who was adopted after we got married and who I love as my own child, because he is.
I know my husband, Peter (fake name) is bisexual. I have no problem with it and I had no problem with his ex-wife, Allison (Also fake name), I did have a problem with his family as they're a bit h$%$phobic and are always telling Peter he should get back together with Allison.
Well, two weeks ago, we were at his family's town because it was my son, Jack's (fake name) birthday and we wanted to spend it as family. My mother in law, decided it would be a good a idea to invite Allison so she arrived in the middle of the party, I didn't want to ruin Jack's birthday so I stayed quiet. I spent all my time with Jack, playing with him and his cousins at his request.
When it was time to cut the cake, I noticed Allison and Peter weren't there, so I went inside and looked for them around the house. I found them in Peter's old bedroom taking their clothes off. I stood there in shock for a moment but then I left and went back to celebrating Jack's birthday.
Part of me wanted to scream and cry but I also was in shock and I refused to make Jack's birthday about me. We cut the cake and opened the presents, people were already leaving when Allison and Peter came back.
Peter took me aside and started saying that I shouldn't have cut the cake without him present and it was disrespectful. I stared at him and just said "I'm sorry, I just thought you'd be too busy getting into your ex-wife's pants".
He got quiet so I took Jack and left the house to go back to the hotel. Once I put Jack in bed and made sure he was asleep, I locked myself in the bathroom and broke down. I called a friend and he tried his best to console me. I only calmed down in the morning when I took Jack for breakfast because I didn't want him to see me like that.
I'm now watching him play in the park and I don't want him to suffer, I don't want him to have a broken family, I don't want him to know that relationships aren't a happy ever after.
Peter has been calling and texting, apologizing for everything and I'm tempted to forgive him, I'm tempted to just have my family back, and all my friends are saying that it wad just a mistake, that he was vulnerable and Allison is his ex wife.
So what am I supposed to do now? I need the advice from people who don't know my husband or me personally. Please, any advice is helpful.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Teach your son that his future partners has to respect him and their relationship by not being a cheating b#$%ard.
Majestic_Designer781 OP responded:
I do want to teach him this stuff but he's too young and I'm just scared that he'll get a bad view of relationships if he sees his parents divorce.
It is better to divorce now than when he is older.
He cheated on you AT YOUR SON’S BIRTHDAY PARTY! He wasn’t out drinking, he left you and your son, who I’m assuming hasn’t had many birthday parties as he was only adopted 3 years ago, and cheated. That’s slimy as f^&$. You deserve so much better.
19 hours later OP came back with this update:
Well, first of all, I want to thank you all for your advice and I want to explain some things before the actual update. But thank you for opening my eyes about my situation.
1. Peter and Allison didn't notice me when I saw them. There was music very loud downstairs and they weren't facing the door.
2. I didn't stop them because I was in shock, I just stood there for a moment and I heard my son so I unconsciously focused on him. I was pretty much in autopilot.
3. Peter didn't come to the hotel with me because I changed to a different one, he did try to follow me but I took a taxi and left. As far as I know, he's staying with his parents and Allison left.
4. We met when I was 20 and he was 30, we started as friends, and we ended up dating. Yes, we're both men and no, I didn't feel manipulated or groomed by him.
Those were the most asked things and I did answer some comments, not all. Now onto the update.
I did as some of you said and took some tests to discard any STIs or STDs, the results are coming back in a few days, and I will take another one in three weeks to be sure. My son is having a sleepover with a friend and I decided to speak with my husband.
He came by our house after a few minutes I texted him, he asked about Jack and I told him where he was, then we sat on the couch and started talking. I started crying after a few minutes and he followed after. I asked some simple questions "When? Why? How many times?"
Among others, and this is what I could figure out by all the things he said: It happened for the first time when he visited his parents alone two years ago, they invited her, they both got drunk, he was feeling lonely as I had been more attention to Jack since we adopted him, and they slept together.
Nothing happened again until our sons birthday party, he said his mother pressured him a bit and he caved in. I don't believe he did it for that reason but I don't know. He said he doesn't love her and I believe him but it doesn't negate the fact of what he did.
After talking for a while, I told him that I wanted a divorce. He started sobbing and begging for another chance but I told him that I can't give him another chance because I wouldn't be able to trust him again and I don't want that in a relationship.
He kept crying and begging for another thirty minutes until I told him that we have to think about Jack and his well being, that we could stay friends ds and coparent him. He got mad, really mad. He started yelling that it was all Jack's fault, that we shouldn't have adopted him, that he's the one who's getting between us.
I was crying and really scared, I had never seen him this angry. He hit the table and stormed out of the house.
I called the house where Jack is staying at and told them if Peter shows up there, they can't open the door. After the little episode, I was scared that Peter would try to hurt Jack. I called my friend again, Thomas, and told him everything that happened. He came by and is staying with me until I'm better. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do and how to go on with the divorce.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
You are absolutely not wrong for not forgiving your husband. His reaction to the news of divorce, blaming your adopted son, is alarming and shows his true colors. Stay strong and prioritize your and Jack's safety.
It is better to have one loving parent, than two co-parents, where one is resenting you for mere existence.
Sorry you are going through this. On the bright side, it seems that you will have no problem getting a full custody. It is better to have one loving parent, than two co-parents, where one is resenting you for mere existence.