'AITA for not forgiving my MIL for treating my children different than her other grandchild?' UPDATED

"AITA for not forgiving my MIL for treating my children different than her other grandchild?"

My husband (46) has always been treated different than his half brothers by both his mom and stepdad. The relationship between his mother and him has always been confrontational and they have "cut each other off" lots of times in the past two decades. I've always stayed out of it (even though I think it is very toxic), supported him and just gone along with the flow until recently.

We have four children (19-13) and my MIL has always been a hands-off, I won't babysit kind of grandma, which is fine, they are our children, but then his brother has a baby and all the sudden it's the most wonderful thing to be a grandma.

She babysits this grandchild full time so both parents can work full time (he's 5 now), cleans their house and brags about him nonstop. Normal grandma stuff, but doesn't even know our children's birthdays.

About six months ago, they cut each other off again and during the fight between them my MIL says she's so sick of me posting pictures on Instagram of our children bragging about all their accomplishments (graduation, sports, vacations). She said we think we're better than everyone else because we have neurotypical children and money (the other grandchild is autistic and we are both teachers, we aren't rich).

A few weeks ago, my husband "forgave" her I guess and they started talking again like everything is normal. He told me that we are all going to go over to her house tomorrow for a BBQ and I told him I'm not going and will not be in the future.

I told him I don't care if he invites her to birthday parties or graduations, and I'll be cordial, but I'm not going to have a relationship with her anymore. He's mad and told me I'm being selfish and toxic, that I should forgive and move on and be a good example or our children won't forgive us in the future if we make mistakes. AITA?

The internet did not hold back their thoughts.

Artistic-Being7421 wrote:

Your husband is putting his toxic mother before his children. You think they never noticed they are unloved by comparison? That's bad parenting 101.

OP responded:

I guess this is why it's the hardest for me, because my teenagers do notice now and have made several comments to me how weird it is that she treats their cousin so different. My husband is a very good father and tries his hardest to work through generational trauma, but it's not a light switch, you can't just turn it off.

Artistic-Being7421 responded:

Have they expressed this directly to your husband?

OP responded:

Only once at the dinner table has my son (17) said something and my husband told him not to take it personal, that it had nothing to do with my son and how his mom just sees him differently because he has a different dad.

Moist-Visit6969 wrote:

Your kids are old enough to know what’s going on.

OP responded:

They don't know what she said about me posting and bragging, but they do see for themselves how she treats my husband and them differently and have made several comments over the years about it.

Forsaken_Pick3201 wrote:

NTA. Are the kids going? I'm sure they will if they are expected or forced. I am sure their future unforced contact with that side of the family will drastically decrease when they are able to choose to go or not. You are not being toxic, MIL is. Your husband is allowing that toxicity to hit your household. Time for counseling.

I fully understand he loves his mom, but he needs to understand how her treatment is affecting you and the kids (yes they need to be able to talk about it also). Which is why counseling is important.

OP responded:

He hasn't asked them yet, but I think that's why he got so upset, because if I don't go, he thinks they won't either. They are all old enough to decide for themselves, and the two oldest (19 and 17) have opted for not spending time with them in the past.

[deleted] wrote:

When did MIL retire?

OP responded:

She hasn't worked since his brother was born-so 35 years ago.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Thank you for everyone that commented, especially those who shared their own grandparent stories.

Just FYI over the past five years the children (mostly the older two because the twins never don't want to see their cousin) have had a choice whether or not they go over to MIL when we do go and I have had several conversations with them about their feelings surrounding it. Up until 6 months ago, it was behavior and favoritism and things we had to infer from the difference in treatment.

When she verbalized what I knew all along, that's when it just became black and white for me and I thought until a few weeks ago the same for my husband. My children are very open with me about their thoughts and feelings in general, usually my husband as well, but surrounding the MIL issues they were not being open with him.

I spoke to my two oldest (I will never tell them what my MIL said about posting on social media and did indeed block her on social media and her phone number as well 6 months ago), about how I am setting a boundary and not continuing a relationship with her ever again.

I told them about my thoughts and feelings surrounding the whole situation and how enough is enough. I also did apologize to them about not making a stance earlier.

Both the older children haven't seen her in over a year (since my daughter graduated) and said they weren't comfortable seeing her at all unless I am there. I had a separate talk with my twin 13y/o, but it was just basically a more age appropriate version of the first talk (I know they are teenagers, but they are still in the in between age and a little immature-in a good way).

They mostly just wanted to see their cousin (they like to play with him), but he comes over to our house once a month when his mom and I have brunch and they said it's better over at our house to play anyway.

They both decided they didn't want to go without me either (and told me life has been more chill without her), which didn't surprise me or my husband (which is why I think he got so upset when I told him I wasn't going.) With all that being said, I think it made me realize (and some of your comments) that there are bigger issues that are being caused by this very toxic part of our life and my husband's childhood trauma.

When I spoke to him after I talked to the kids, I told him I was making an appointment for family therapy to get an unbiased opinion about our family dynamic not just including this issue, but just in general because now I'm concerned about deeper issues that maybe I'm just not seeing and blaming on this one part.

My husband was very upset with me and said he would just go by himself and said he doesn't think we need therapy (he reads self-help books to deal with his trauma and has for a very long time, so he's not oblivious to the issues just thinks he can take care of it himself).

I told him he could come to therapy or not, but I was going to set the appointment up and the kids and I were going to go. He spoke to them last night at the dinner table and all of them basically told him they didn't want to go over there and think life has been calmer without her. He just told them okay, let me know if you change your mind and I'm sorry she's been unfair to them in the past.

The internet had lots to say about the update.

RedneckDebutante wrote:

If he could do it himself, he wouldn't still be struggling with it after 30 years. I would go nuclear if anybody treated my kid that way. He should be ashamed of himself for continuing contact with somebody who makes his kids feel less than. That's unforgivable to me.

CummingInthenile wrote:

Hubby better realize quick that he either goes to family therapy, works through his childhood trauma, and goes at minimum LC with his MIL, or he's getting divorced.

Astelan101 wrote:

My grandparents on both sides treated my parents as the least favorite child. I got to the point I didn't visit any of them except major holidays. At this point, my grandparents are all dead and I haven't seen any of my aunts and uncles in about three years and only one cousin, of 10, since my last grandmother d*ed in 2015. I was pissed I had to miss Star Wars Force Awakens opening day for her funeral.

CaptDeliciousPants wrote:

People that grow up with disfunction and instability sometimes have a hard time recognizing it or gauging how bad it really is. They get so used to it that they don’t see it as a problem.