'AITA for not forgiving my parents and sister after they cut me off. I had an affair with her husband.'

"AITA for not forgiving my parents and sister after they cut me off (I had an affair with her HUSBAND)."

I had an affair with my sister's husband when I was 16, yes I regret it and I truly am disgusted with my past self. When they found out my sister publicly shamed me (fair enough). She also told our parents, which was fair, but she chose to stay with her husband and blamed me for "seducing" him into being unfaithful.

She forgave him and decided to reconcile, while I was left to face the consequences. My parents kicked me out, and I had to scramble to find somewhere to live. Every time I found a new job, my parents and sister would contact my coworkers to call me a "homewrecker." They would harass me wherever I went, gossiping about my "status."

While no one treated me differently to my face, the stares and whispers were unbearable. I had to leave the city and move to another just to escape them and for my mental health. Some people might say I'm overreacting but they really followed me like the plague.

I moved and met a nice elderly couple who never had kids who took me in, “Mark and Helen” and by that I mean they offered me to stay with them if I wanted and were so nice to me, I had my own place but I often visited them. To this day they mean the world to me.

They knew what happened and I once even joked and had said something along the lines of “aren't you afraid I'll steal your husband as a homewrecker” she told me that me being a homewrecker wasn't my entire personality and to move on and learn from what I did. I eventually met my now-husband, and we have four children, all adults except for one who is 17.

My kids know about my parents and the past situation, and they grew up considering Mark and Helen their grandparents, alongside my in-laws. Then, last Saturday, I received a message:::

"I hope you can find it in your heart to read this message. I know we’ve been through so much pain and hardship, and I want to be honest with you about everything. I deeply regret how things have unfolded between us, especially the hurtful things we said and did in the past and I am truly sorry for all the pain we caused you."

"Our actions have had lasting consequences. We never got to know our grandchildren, and I realize now how much we missed out on. XXXX husband cheated again and left her for someone else. I see how much she’s been suffering—she’s now a woman left alone with two kids caring for a disabled child and an autistic child who has it hard too, and trying to carry on despite everything."

"She has been so strong but it's not enough. We are in a difficult situation ourselves, struggling financially. We don’t have enough space or resources to help her directly, but we deeply want to support her and her children. I am asking for your forgiveness. I know me and your father don’t deserve it."

"But I hope you can see that we are trying to make amends, even if it's late. If there’s any way you can help us with financial support or guidance to assist Serna and her children, it would mean the world to us. We want to do right by them, and by you, if you’re willing to give us that chance. We love you."

When I got that message I was pretty angry? I have not seen my parents in over 10 years and I'm not willing to see them or even consider helping my sister with her kids. I have not responded yet but my husband is willing to send her a very harsh letter on behalf of me. We are considering just ignoring them but would I be an Asshole if I let my husband write a harsh reply?

EDIT: I got to live with my grandparents after they kicked me out, I'm also 43 if that was not clear. My oldest child is 23, so no they are not little kids anymore. Thank you for all the support, I came here expecting to get bashed❤️

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Ok_Conversation9750 wrote:

How did they get your number? As tempting as it must be to send a scathing letter, I would suggest blocking and ignoring them.

OP responded:

I'm guessing my grandma told them, My grandpa is dead but I still have very LC with my grandma.

coppeliuseyes wrote:

I'm really confused by the timeline here. Were your sister and BIL married at the time of the affair? How old was he? How old are you all now?

OP responded:

He and my sister were 21 and I was 16, I had to go and live with my grandparents. Anytime I started a new job they would let them know about my “status” I'm not sure but I think my grandparents let them know? They had no idea they were doing this because I never told them.

Honestly I don't blame my parents or my sister, I deserved to be kicked out after what I did. My parents showed my BIL and sister that they stood by them, which is good. Many in-laws would never welcome a cheater back. I take 100% blame here and not my bil, I owed her loyalty which i did not give, I left the place when I was 20.

SnooCauliflowers9874 wrote:

You were still a child at 16. Your frontal lobes weren’t even close to being developed. It’s heartbreaking that everyone turned their back on you when the man was the adult. Utterly despicable with the vitriol that was flung at you, rather than blame the predatory man who acted like he accidentally fell into your vagina-I’m so sick of bad people getting away with everything.

NTA. I can’t believe the audacity of asking you to contribute financially when they literally kicked you out of the house decades ago. They literally ruined your livelihood when they followed you around from job to job, humiliating you until you finally left the town in shame and started a new life.

I wonder if they know that you’re doing so well and they are jealous. You can contribute as much as they did when you needed it. Zero.

I’m happy that you were able to have a chance by that lovely couple who took you in. It seems you are thriving now, so do not feel you have to associate with your birth family. You have a better family now, one that that loves you unconditionally. No reason to look back.

worried_suit4820 wrote:

Your family thought you were the one at fault for the affair you had with your sister's husband. He seduced a child; it was all on him. I wouldn't even bother contacting them to tell them to go to hell. By all means let your husband write a letter, but don't send it; it will just open the door for further hurt for you. A life well-lived is your best way forward, with the wonderful Mark and Helen in your corner.

pseudolyn wrote:

What the actual f? The gall???? Clearly, your sister is the golden child. They took her side when things went south when you were a kid. Instead of blaming her shitty husband, they took it out on you - their black sheep child. They decided to track you down repeated, and cause you to lose your reputation, job, etc to punish you when they continued to embrace your sister's husband.

Info: IS YOUR SISTER OLDER THAN YOU? AND HER HUSBAND? At 16, I doubt you're the older one and yet, THEY COLLECTIVELY CHOSE TO PIN THE BLAME ON YOU.

Don't you think the letter came at a suspiciously coincidental time?

The husband cheated AGAIN, finally LEFT and the golden child is suddenly probably homeless and having issues etc.

NOW the AH parents want to express their regrets in exchange for your financial help to the golden child?? The gall????? The audacity??? And the ENTITLEMENT?? OMG. They reap what they sow. Nobody burns bridges this badly to be able to build them back like your hardships were nothing.

No. NTA. Send them a scathing letter. Attach the link to this post and ask them to read the comments from internet strangers who have more empathy and humanity than your actual s#$ty parents. This is the first post, in a long time, that I've been so angry about on behalf. Please PROTECT YOUR PEACE and bury the past in the mud where they collectively belong. Best of luck! NTA. By a million times.

OP responded:

Thank you, I'm honestly crying right now. I will probably do what you said, link this post if I reply to them. Just thank you, take care of yourself. ❤️

PassComprehensive425 wrote:

NTA. Your sister chose to stay with a man that raped her little sister and your parents backed her up. You were a child, and that creep should have gone to jail. Instead, they made you homeless so that your sister could be comfortable. Heaven knows what bs your former BIL fed your parents and sister.

But it was easier to believe and make you the scapegoat than face the reality of what he really is. Of course, your parents what you to take in your sister and her kids. Why wouldn't you want to be your sister's maid so she can make your life a living nightmare. They didn't care when you were homeless as a teenager, but now they expect you to rescue them.

Have a lawyer send them a cease and desist letter. Tell them based on them based on their past behavior, you want no further contact. Any further contact will be considered harassment and there will be expensive legal consequences. Don't block but mute so that you have evidence for harassment.

OP responded:

Thank you, sorry if I made it unclear but I had to live with MY grandparents. Everything else you said is true.

CatDaddy1135 wrote:

NTA for writing a harsh reply. They made it their mission to destroy your life to the point that you were forced to move. It's been decades of silence, but now that mommy's favorite child is struggling, she wants forgiveness and money and energy from you.

They would not be apologizing at all if she didn't need things from you, so I strongly advise you to tell them no and then tell them off. It may not be the mature high road thing to do, but it's all they deserve.

OP responded:

Thank you! I was honestly SHAKING when I saw the message, it was like a " wow, this is really happening", I could feel my ENTIRE face close off.

funfuture620 wrote:

Ignore them. Hubby is the culprit. Sis needs to go after him for support for the kids. This story is so convoluted most of it stretches the imagination. Are people really so lacking in morales and compassion?

sweetmusic_ responded:

Given the state of the US currently yeah I can see it. Earlier this week I had an suv try to deliberately cause a fender bender. Pulled out nearly hitting me and then break checked me repeatedly until I pulled out my phone and acted like I was recording. Then they took off and left me alone when it seemed like there'd be evidence that they did it intentionally.

IllustratorSlow1614 wrote:

NTA. You can ask your adoptive parents to adopt you formally - adult adoption is a lot quicker to process than child adoption because everybody involved can legally represent themselves and understand the ramifications of the adoption. Your bio parents have no opportunity or right to object or block the adoption either, another difference from child adoption.

Your bio parents and sister will cease to be your legal next of kin - should anything happen to your husband and older children, your minor child will have to go to your bio parents or sister and lose the life you built for them with Mark and Helen as grandparents.

By going through adoption, you’ll have a brand new birth certificate with your new parents’ names on it, and it will be as if you were Mark and Helen’s bio child from the beginning. It will also help you prove no relationship if your parents’ state has filial responsibility laws and they try to come after you to support them in their old age and/or disability.

Writing a sharply worded letter back just gives them attention and once they know they have it, they will keep up the pressure. The best way is to keep ignoring them. Receiving no attention whatsoever will make them stop because they’re not getting any reward for their harassment.