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Woman refuses to fund SIL's wedding, says 'she has treated me like trash for the past year.' AITA?

Woman refuses to fund SIL's wedding, says 'she has treated me like trash for the past year.' AITA?

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"My sister in law treated me like trash for the past year, WHILE I was living in her parents house with her. AITA for not freeing up my husband's expenses to help pay for her wedding?"

I come from a conservative Pakistani community. It is tradition to get married to your husband and move in with his family, which usually is the parents, your husband, and any sister-in-laws and brother-in-law’s.

I had several problems with my mother-in-law not treating me well, and I had my husband go talk to her about all the problems. My sister-in-law got wind of it (this all went down in January of last year) and I understand that she’s very protective of her mom, as I am with my own mom, but her mom was in the wrong for many things.

For example, I caught his mom listening to conversations in the basement when I was talking to my family. I don’t know if she knows the specifics of everything her mom did, but she just automatically assumed that I was in the wrong because, in her own words, “I know mom and she wouldn’t do any bad things”. She’s 21 years old.

She started treating me like absolute garbage after that. I I lived in that house and I would come downstairs from my bedroom and I would try to talk to her, and she would ignore me or be very rude to me. For a full year.

One thing that you don’t do in our culture is exclude people from gatherings, and unfortunately that happened to both my husband and I… there were family gatherings, and we accidentally walked into them, not knowing what was happening.

Completely hidden from us and she was involved in hiding it from us as well. My MIL and FIL were out of the country so I think they thought they could get away with it, but unfortunately, my husband and I accidentally showed up on a regular visit to someone’s house and literally walked into the gathering.

She is currently engaged and to be married by the end of year, and I know that her parents are struggling to pay for her wedding. I’m not telling my husband to withhold money, in fact, I’m telling him that to give whatever leftover money we have after he pays the mortgage (we moved out after all of this) and bills.

But AITA for not freeing up more expenses in order to pay for her wedding? Truly, I don’t care what her wedding turns out to be like, after I was a miserable for a full year because of her. Theoretically, I COULD contribute more towards the bills so that my husband has more money to give for her wedding, but that’s just not something I want to do.

Culturally, the husband is supposed to take care of the bills (and he’s perfectly fine with it) and is supposed to help her with the wedding. But basically, I’m not going above and beyond to change my habits so there’s more money for her. AITA?

** edit: thank you to everybody for the support, I was definitely looking for some support and a range of perspectives concerning my situation. I just wanted to clarify, that it’s not MY money going to her wedding.

My in-laws will never ask for that and that’s something that you don’t do, it would permanently tarnish their reputation if people found out they were asking me for money. It is my husband’s money that would be going towards her wedding.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

NTA. Don't let the culture and customs bully you into sacrificing for the sake of someone who didn't even bother giving you basic respect. Let your husband handle it. You owe her nothing.

(OP)

I just don’t know what to do if there’s any pushback. I’m so lucky to have a husband who understands that women are BLAMED for everything bad that happens. My husband could cheat on me but somehow it would be my fault - maybe I’m not doing enough for him to keep him happy. I’m afraid that if the wedding isn’t as great as it could be, I’d be blamed.

Oh, absolutely not. Don't free up a dime and in fact add to the bills. She needs to learn that you reap what you sow.

Careful_Fig8482

Honestly I thought about adding to the bills - like I need clothes, shoes, etc (I’m not purposely buying very expensive stuff, but I do need some of the basics.)

Even then, I’m stopping myself from asking my husband because I still want him to contribute something to the wedding so he doesn’t look bad. And once again, I am afraid that it might come back to hurt me. She recently started to be good to me but I question the intentions.

Tfuentexxx

Honey, your husband is going to find a way to send her more money. Even if you are not helping, he will find a way (loans, not paying some bill), so be prepared for him to go behind your back and affect your finances.

Yes, I don't know your husband, but I do know cultural pressure. If you don't want to help her (which you have all the right to do), be sure to be on top of everything or you will be surprised. Kid if you are going to be petty, be it, but do it right. Half ass efforts are not appreciated.

OP, if you made adjustments that allowed greater contributions to your SIL’a wedding, do you think she is the kind of person who would see it as a kind gesture and adjust her attitude with you accordingly? If so, it might be worth it. If not, don’t bother.

(OP)

I definitely think that she would see it as a kind gesture, she’s not a horrible, horrible human being. However, I do question the timing of her kindness because she has recently started to be kind to me. I am afraid that after her wedding is over, she will revert back to how she has been with me.

You owe this awful person nothing. If she comments on the small contribution point out that if only you'd have been able to stay living with the in laws your expenses would have been SO much lower and you'd have SO much extra money to contribute-- but sadly, you were encouraged to leave.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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