'AITA for not fulfilling my fiancée’s wish on our wedding day?' 'She's very family-oriented.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for not fulfilling my fiancée’s wish on our wedding day?"

I appreciate if you give me your honest opinion as I’m being pressured from everyone (except my aunt) to go against my wish . I’m a 30 year old woman. I have been with my fiancée Sarah for the last 5 years. We are the same age and we met at grad school.

When I was 13, my loving dad passed away. He left a decent amount of money for us. My mom within 6 months got engaged to a guy named Bob. Bob had a daughter around my age. My mom married Bob within a year of my dad’s passing. Bob really hated me from the start and didn’t even try to hide it.

He was saying stuff like how my mom should have sent me to a boarding school , how if it wasn’t because of my dad’s inheritance he wouldn’t have me in his house, because I was in our school sport team and very athletic. He, multiple times, told my mom he doesn’t feel safe when his daughter is around me. He used this as a reason to exclude me pretty much from everything.

My mom, on the other hand, was going above and beyond to prove to Bob that she is the new mom for Bob’s little princess. They ended up having 3 more kids. Basically I was a roommate who did babysitting for my mom and her New family. I never had a birthday party or a special day.

My dad’s sister was amazing to me. I was at their place all the time. She and her family had birthday celebrations for me and my mom was making excuses not show up and of course rest of them never showed up (I was really my aunt and uncle’s daughter! They were amazing to me). When I left for university I contacted my mom a few times but she was always busy so I just gave up.

Here is the issue, Sarah, my fiancée comes from a very family oriented background. Family is everything to her. Her family asked about mine I said my dad passed away and my mom is busy with her family and lives across the country (she lives one hour drive from us but this is what Sarah told them so I just didn’t correct them). I didn’t entirely lie technically. Sarah asked me to invite my family to our wedding.

I told her no. She said it’s very embarrassing not having only my aunt and her family on my side. I reluctantly invited my mom. She called and asked me to apologize to Bob and my step and half siblings for not inviting them and invite them all. I told her no!

She said I’m being ungrateful and Bob was a father figure to me. I had a big argument with my mom over this. My mom now says the only way she comes is if I invite Bob, his daughter and their kids. Sarah is now pushing me to invite them all because she doesn’t wanna feel embarrassed in front of her family.

These people never even gave me card or said happy birthday to me so I see no reason to celebrate my big day with them. I, on the other hand, don’t wanna let my fiancée down. I just don’t know what to do? Should I swallow my ego and invite my family so my fiancée be happy? I suggested eloping but Sarah is a firm no. AITA to ruining my fiancée’s day by not fulfilling her wish?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

bdayqueen said:

NTA - but I want to ask...is Sarah the person you want to spend your life with if she can't understand that you are NC with your abusers?

ConsciousNectarine9 said:

NTA but your fiancee is. She wants to put you through the ringer just to keep her family happy. I'm sorry but that is a major red flag waving in front of your face. If she is pushing you on this just to keep her family happy...what else down the line is she going to push you on. She is supposed to be supporting you, not causing you distress!

grayblue_grrl said:

Sarah is not your friend, never mind someone who loves you. She's not much different than your mother. She's willing to shove you aside, so she can make HER family happy. Please postpone the wedding and see a therapist. Sarah is another abuser. NTA.

Open-Incident-3601 said:

NTA, but Sarah isn’t ready to be married. She’s already told you that keeping up appearances to her family matters more than your comfort. These are the partners that go behind your back and arrange a surprise ambush of your family that you will hate and then you’ll be blamed because sure she was just trying to be helpful. Don’t marry her.

Fresh_Caramel8148 said:

How is this in any way “embarrassing” to her? How? This is ridiculous and the fact that she’s making this about her…you need to think long and hard if she’s really the right person for you. Honestly, I find all of this appalling. Sarah sounds horrible. NTA.

_im_god_bh_ said:

NTA you are your own person and have the right to your peace. Also this is red flag behavior from your fiancee...why is she so hung up on having your family there? Your aunt and her family ARE your family and that should be enough for her. The fact she knows about your past with Bob and your mom and she still pushes you is just icky.

gringaellie said:

NTA don't marry Sarah - she doesn't support you and is manipulating you into doing something you don't want on your wedding day. her desire for "appearances" is bigger than her love for you.

UPDATE:

I sat Sarah down last night and explained my reasoning for not inviting my family. She kept saying, “That was a long time ago; they might not be the same people anymore.” I felt offended and said, “How on earth are you lecturing me when you’ve never even met them?”

Well, it turned out my mother has been in touch with Sarah. Sarah said they regularly meet for coffee dates and talk. I was about to cry because I was so angry. My mom changed the whole narrative, saying Bob was a father figure, a good, protective dad, and that it was me who didn’t love him back because, apparently, it’s my thing to play the victim.

She claimed my aunt manipulated me and stole me from their family, trying to be a replacement for my mom. According to her, it’s all about my mother. I screamed, “ARE YOU FOR REAL? Ask her next time on your coffee dates why I never had a birthday party growing up!

Why was there never a gift under the tree for me? Ask Bob if he even knows when my birthday is, since he was such a loving dad! Why did my aunt have to pick me up before Christmas Eve because Bob wanted to spend the holiday with his kids, not with another man’s mistake?”

Sarah basically repeated what my mom has told me my whole life: “You just love to make a big deal out of everything, make yourself a victim, and push everyone away.” I told her she had no right contacting my mom. She said I was cruel and claimed she was just trying to help me mend my broken relationship.

She even called my mom lovely and said Bob has changed a lot; he’s now an LGBTQ ally now that his princess is out! I was floored. An ally? Maybe he should start by apologizing to me for terrorizing my entire childhood.

I told Sarah we are done. I can’t do this. Sarah sarcastically said, “You just proved your mom’s point! Go run to your aunt! Let that old witch run your life.” I told her she needs to find a new place ASAP, considering she’s not paying rent—I am.

She got mad and asked what excuse I was going to make up this time to justify my “fake trauma.” I stopped replying. She went on a tirade, breaking our dinner plates. I didn’t care. I texted my aunt, and she asked if I wanted to spend the night at her place. I said I was fine.

I’m taking time off from work. I cleaned up the kitchen (which was full of broken dishware) in the morning because I didn’t want my cats to accidentally get hurt. Sarah is still sleeping. I’m going to see how I can legally evict her.

I’m a complete mess, but I’ll talk to my aunt and uncle for help. Yes, I am not starting to date again until I see a therapist and work on myself. I can’t keep going through this.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:

Nightwish1976 said:

Sorry you have to go through this. Still, it's better you have discovered what kind of person Sarah is before getting married. You owe this to your mom, at least something good came out from her direction.

tatianazr said:

God your ex is evil. Jesus, you were going to marry someone just like the toxic family that you had. Yes, therapy is imperative if you don’t want to go down this route again.

xanif said:

Welp. Sarah's going to get an education on your mom's nature when your mom drops her now that she's no longer useful to weasel her way back into your life. Best of luck.

BeachinLife1 said:

You should have called the police while she was breaking dishes. They'd have made her leave then, and your problem would be solved. Her behavior would have been enough to get a restraining order. Send your mom a thank you note for bringing out Sarah's true colors before you made a lifelong mistake.

KiwiSerene said:

That sounds incredibly tough. Glad you found out before tying the knot. Focus on yourself and therapy; it's crucial. Document everything for your safety and legal purposes, and don't hesitate to get help from friends or authorities if needed. You deserve peace and happiness.

lilmissspetite said:

NTA — honestly, Sarah was totally out of line, and you absolutely deserve to prioritize your own healing and peace over someone who refuses to respect your past and your boundaries.