'AITA for not getting into a relationship with my girlfriend and best friend?' UPDATED

"AITA for not getting into a relationship with my girlfriend and best friend?"

So, I (21m) broke up with my girlfriend (20f) a week ago. The reason for that is because, apparently, her and my friend (21m) fell in love and also love me and wanted the three of us to be together. I'm not the only one that thinks that's wild and thinking about it still makes me laugh.

Honestly, that's the most bizarre thing that's ever happened to me. I have absolutely nothing against people in poly relationships, but like, really? To paint a clearer picture—me and my friend (let's call him Seth) have been friends since middle school. I used to spend nearly every day over at his place, so I'm pretty close with his family as well.

At least enough for his parents to call me their son too, so yeah. Best friends. Seth came out as gay in high school (yes, gay. Not bi or pan or anything. GAY. As in, convinced he's not into women at all.) and I never had a problem with it. Hell, I used to accompany him to every pride event hosted in town.

Yes, I was sometimes teased for being gay too and me and Seth being boyfriends, but I always brushed it off with a laugh. I met Holly seven months ago at my cousin's birthday. My cousin and her have been friends for a little while back then, so she was invited. We started chatting and have been dating for about five months now.

Holly and Seth would obviously see each other often due to me and would hangout one-on-one too, which I never had a problem with. They were friends, which I was happy about. And then it happened. Last week, Seth came over to my apartment to play games while Holly was staying over for the weekend.

Things were good, though now that I think back on it, the atmosphere seemed a little more awkward than ever. Anyway, Seth and Holly sat me down and begged me to listen to what they had to say. They revealed that they've had feelings for each other for a while now but never acted out on them. However, they ended up talking about it a few days prior when the pressure became too much.

And, like the geniuses they were, they decided that the perfect solution for their problem was for all three of us to date. Seth said that he's actually liked me for years and I've been acting like a boyfriend anyway so might as well make it official. Honestly, all of that came out of nowhere. I was shocked. Admittedly, I laughed because of how much I couldn't believe in what was happening.

Like, yes, this was clearly an emotional affair or something of that kind, but this was the first time I heard people be so extremely delusional. Dating my girlfriend and best friend? No thank you. So, yeah. I broke things off right then and there with Holly and told Seth to figure himself out before kicking them both out. I blocked them both on everything.

Seth's family and my own have been contacting me for the past week to ask about what happened but back off when I tell them the truth. I'm a bit upset, obviously. My best friend turned out to be untrustworthy and my ex-girlfriend cheated on me in a way, even if it wasn't physical. But this is also kinda hilarious? I'm not sure.

The reason I'm making this post though is because Holly's mom called me just yesterday. Apparently, her daughter hasn't been taking the breakup well. Said that Holly loves both me and Seth and my reaction really hurt her. The whole thing with Seth started because they would talk about me a lot and Seth is much more attentive than me, so that attracted her to him.

Listen, maybe I'm not the best boyfriend in the world, but at least I'm loyal. Until someone betrays me. Holly's mom was looking out for her daughter so I just thanked her for her time before hanging up. I have been thinking about the entire thing a little more though. So, AITA for not getting into a relationship with my girlfriend and best friend?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

enter_my_mays wrote:

NTA - I think you got it right when you said they’re delusional. It’s not really your responsibility anymore but is it possible he’s been aiming at this for a while? just seems like a startling admission to say he’s liked you for years while saying he also loves your girlfriend.

Given you say he “was” gay do they actually have sex etc or is this some weird ploy he has to sleep with you? I’m maybe paranoid but that’s where my kind would go, although I’m bi so maybe that’s why my mind would go there.

OP responded:

Literally no idea. Seth has always been touchy and friendly with everyone, including me, so nothing to point at the fact that he's liked me this whole time.

WhiteKnightPrimal wrote:

NTA. You can break up for any reason, and this is a good one. You're clearly not poly, you should never get into a poly relationship if you aren't, it's doomed from the start. It also doesn't sound like you're gay or bi or anything.

The way you brushed off the comments about you and Seth says you're very comfortable with who you are, but that you're straight. So, you should never date someone male, because you're simply not attracted to them. And you're right, they were cheating on you, emotionally at least. That's a betrayal.

So, they betrayed you and then tried to get a non-poly, completely straight man to join a poly relationship with another man involved. They even threw in the fact Seth had liked you for a while, so they were clearly expecting you and Seth to be sexually involved. Holly's mum's priority is to be there for Holly. It sounds like she was trying to explain Holly's reasons for her actions.

But that doesn't change the fact she betrayed you. Nor will it remove the desire to have a poly relationship between you, her and Seth. You did the right thing by breaking up. She betrayed you and you're clearly not compatible. Holly may be struggling with the break-up, but it's on her to heal from that and move on, you have no responsibility for her anymore.

This has likely shattered your friendship with Seth, as well. Honestly, if Holly valued your relationship enough to not want to lose it, and Seth valued your friendship the same, neither would ever have made this suggestion. They may have brought up the topic of poly relationships to see how you felt about it, but they wouldn't have outright suggested it.

And they'd have put some distance between each other, or at least only hung out when you were present, the second they realised they were developing feelings beyond friendship for each other. Honestly, it doesn't sound like either Holly or Seth actually knew you all that well, or didn't care enough about you when it came to something they wanted and they knew you wouldn't want.

OP responded:

Yeah, Seth has always been like a brother to me, so the thought of being sexually involved with him makes my skin crawl. No idea why they thought I'd ever want that ot even date him in the first place.

Though, I'd say I'm a pretty open-minded person. I've always been down for trying new things and never got too upset when I didn't really like something. Maybe that's why they thought this would work? Not sure, but maybe.

PeachEducational1749 wrote:

Jesus what the hell has this turned into?

OP responded:

Fair question. Honestly, this is the biggest wtf moment in my life and I want to hear people's opinions because my friends and family are mostly just staying quiet about the matter.

Defiant_Radish_9095 wrote:

NTA. Not at all! Seth probably manipulated your ex into a relationship, hoping to get closer to you. Now Holly seems to regret it, but you definitely should not take her back. They both betrayed you. No relationship, friendship, or anything should be allowed with either of them. Congrats on standing your ground, blocking them both, and moving on with your life. Wishing you the best!

runedued wrote:

NTA. You are never TA for breaking up with someone. Frankly you sound mature so I commend you. Do note that Seth may try making moves on you in the future so consider if you still want to be friends with him.

Five months later, OP shared an update.

Update: AITA for not getting into a relationship with my girlfriend and best friend? Hello. It's been a while since my first post. My older sister asked me recently if I was planning to update people here and told me to do it when I said no. She told me that the people here might shake some sense into me so that I'm willing to do something and finally calls the cops, but I doubt it. (Sorry sis)

About a month after my first post, a friend was celebrating his birthday. Obviously I went despite knowing that Seth would be there. I was fine with that. That friend didn't have any drama with Seth and they got along well, so I was just planning on avoiding the guy for the rest of the night. I came there mostly to have fun, but I heard gossip from some of my closest friends.

If anyone here is wondering, Holly and Seth aren't together. Apparently, he threw her away quickly after what happened with the whole confession thing. Me and Holly aren't in contact at all anymore and last I heard, she's already found herself a new guy. Fine with me. To get to the point, there was obviously alcohol at the party.

We were all being idiots and I always felt safe enough with my group to trust no one would let me get hurt or do something stupid enough to get in trouble. And, yes, we had a few people staying sober either because they were driving or taking meds that made them unable to drink. This is actually a little hard to write. I do have some flashes of what happened but I don't like dwelling on them.

One of my friends drove me home. Seth drove with us too and the friend left him with me because she wasn't aware of what exactly happened between us and Holly. I guess I know what happened but even writing it down makes me feel heavy. I've had no contact with Seth or his family. They've been contacting me sporadically, but I shut them all out.

My siblings are the only ones that know what happened because I ended up trying to joke about it once and I got grilled until I spilled everything out. My brother wanted to pretty much k*ll Seth. My sister told me that Reddit might kick my a-- into gear to at least go to therapy. Because it's honestly harder than I expected. Like there's a barrier keeping me from looking into any options I have.

Do I hate Seth? Yeah. The thought of him repulses me. Do I still care about him? Also yeah. I've known him forever and have seen him as my family for years. So do your worst. I also know people don't like it when there are no updates, so this is a gift from me to all of you. Hoping that anyone reading this is having a better time than me.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

BigConfidence1563 wrote:

Call the frigging cops you absolute peanut!!! THERAPY AND REPOST THAT AB#SER! Do you realise that if he had guts to do this to you he will do it to someone else? DON'T BE LIKE ME I NEVER REPORTED MY AB#SER AND HE HURT OTHERS LIKE HE HURT ME. It’s not a joking matter. You must do it.

OP responded:

Yeah, I know that I joke around but I also know this is a serious situation. It's been almost four months since this situation with Seth happened and I only feel sick when I think about reporting this to the p*lice. Unfortunately, where I live, things like that aren't treated as seriously as they would've been if I was a woman.

JustAsICanBeSoCruel wrote:

The barrier you are feeling is usually a mixture of several things that keep men from reporting they've been raped:

-Fear of rejection: You tell people you were SAed, and they say you are a liar

-Fear of retaliation: You say you were SAed, and the person you accuse or his loved ones will come after you and try to destroy your character

-Fear of appearing weak: You are afraid that future partners and your future children will hear you were raped and think less of you.

Fear of being blamed: You say you were SAed while drunk/on drugs and they blame you for not being responsible. But OP, I will say this - by filing a report, by telling others, you very well might be saving someone, maybe even someone that doesn't have a loving group of siblings like you do. Someone that is going to trust Seth like you did, be attacked by him, and have no one to turn for support.

Seth is a predator. The brutal truth is that he will only get better - better at picking his victim, better at hiding his crime. He was dumb and preyed in his friend group, but he will learn to not piss where he drinks so victims have a harder time finding him. People like him don't get better, they get smarter.

At least by filing a report and spreading some awareness, you are doing what you can to warn others around him that he is a predator. That might be all it takes to save someone. That might be all it takes to prevent someone vulnerable from being SAed.

But please, for your benefit and for the benefit of those you love, talk to a therapist. Even if it's just a few times, you can learn tools to manage all the effects of what has happened. Lean on your siblings because they love you and WILL help you if you need it, but a trained professional will be able to better handle your situation.

OP responded:

A couple of years ago, there was a scandal in our town because a teenage boy got drunk at a party and also got assaulted by a few of his friends, both girls and boys. The parents tried reporting it, but it didn't go anywhere. He was being mocked about it, saying that a) he must've enjoyed it with the girls, and b) it wasn't assault because it was with other guys.

I do mean it when I say that I know that there should be at least a report when it comes to Seth, but the police won't do anything about it and if it gets out what happened to me I may literally go through the same thing that the guy did. And, yes, he ended up taking pills and passed away soon after all of that. I wouldn't say I'm in a bad state like that, but still. I don't want it to get worse.

Odd_Welcome_7940 wrote:

How will you feel when Seth does this again to another guy?

Even worse, what if the next guy ends his own life over it?

How will you feel then?

OP responded:

I mean, is this a serious question? I'd feel like shit. Yeah, I'm not to blame for Seth's actions. But I'm capable of compassion. Doesn't change the fact that there's literally nothing I can do because the p*lice here don't bother with most things and most have the mentality that guys can't get SAed.

tets_out_for_harambe wrote:

Oh NTA hun ever, I've experienced similar and felt like I was unable to speak out so I didn't either. Only to family, but as stated above please get an FULL STD panel at the hospital if body fluid was involved. Finding them early is essential, in men a lot of STDs are also silent lurkers and when passed to females then show their ugly head.

Remember you are not weak, you are not less and most of all you are a survivor. Being able to speak up about it alone gives you strength about over it, don't let it hold you back and look forward. Try therapy if you are able to, knowing they cost a lot. The people who care for you will stick by and be your support network during this tough time and I hope you the best of luck. 💜