'AITA for not getting my ex's affair child a Christmas gift?' 'I know I'm not a saint for this.'
"AITA for not getting my ex's affair child a Christmas gift?"
My ex cheated on me and fathered a child with another woman. That child is now 4f. He has full custody of her and is going for child support but the mom isn't paying. I have primary custody of our three children (11m, 9f, 9m).
He gets our kids every other weekend. I have only seen this child 5 times and I don't have a relationship of any kind with her. I never interacted with her and while I know she's innocent of what my ex did, I prefer to keep us distant.
My kids don't think of her as a sister. I never tried to change that. For me, them being close to her is not something I care about. If they are, then they are, and I'd have to deal. But if not, then I don't feel the need to encourage or promote it. My ex knows this. And he knows our kids don't care for his daughter.
They don't have the best relationship with him either. He's not absent exactly but he's been all over the place since the divorce and he works a lot of long hours and lives almost two hours from us which is partly why he's not a 50-50 dad.
My ex lost his job in January of this year. He notified the courts and his child support payment was reduced for our kids while he's not earning as much. The change in job and pay has meant he struggled far more and the kids have noticed the difference in quality of life when they're with him.
He also warned them months ago that they would get a small Christmas gift each from him because he cannot afford more. This leads onto his daughter. His parents died some years before our kids were born, his sister doesn't talk to him, his brother stopped talking to him after the affair and the child's mother's family is not involved in her life either.
So it's just him for her and he can't afford to get her much. He mentioned this in our co-parenting app and when we went to meet with our twins' teacher he asked if I would get her something or somethings so she can have some presents to open for Christmas. I told him no.
He didn't ask me again until yesterday. He had the kids at the weekend and dropped them off at my house afterward. He saw the gifts under the tree and he was angry at me. He asked if I got his daughter anything and I said no. He asked me what our kids got and I wouldn't tell him. I reminded him it was none of his business what I buy.
Then he took out this dollar store doll and he told me that was all he could f-ing afford for his daughter and she's just four years old. He told me he knows he f-ed up but she didn't and he told me I could have helped, just a little, or could have helped the kids get close to her and maybe they would have wanted to give her something.
He said instead I was just a cruel and selfish b to an innocent child and he said she only knows being abandoned by her mom and her mom's family, she's unwanted by her own siblings and her siblings mom can't even be compassionate enough to get her one more thing so she doesn't just get one tiny doll for Christmas.
He also put it on me that if he got our kids nothing because he knew I'd get them something, and spent that money on his daughter instead, that it would make them pull away from him more. He left angry and I went back inside and carried on as normal.
I know I'm not a saint for this and I don't pretend to be. But AITA for not getting the child something for Christmas when I know my ex can't afford anything else?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Tikithecockateil said:
The cheater could have found even a temporary job if he needed money for gifts. To pin his kids lack of gifts on you is childish and petty. NTA.
Con4America said:
NTA. He FAFO literally. Tell him his actions of not being able to keep his dick in his pants caused this and nothing else. She is HIS responsibility not yours. You are not being cruel to her. She doesn't know you.
Technical-Habit-5114 said:
NTA. He is the one who destroyed his family because HE couldn't keep it in his pants. He created this situation. The child is innocent in this. But she is 4 years old. She doesn't really have a concept of NOT receiving. He got her something. She will be happy with it.
When my daughter was 4, I was a single Mom. Christmas, for several years, was hand me down toys. Goodwill and thrift shop items. He just wants a bail out. He created this. He needs to fix this.
Upset_Custard7652 said :
NTA. This is the consequence of your ex’s actions.
Fragrant-Customer913 said:
So he had an affair. The affair produced a child. Now he wants you the person hurt by his actions to take care of his decisions. There are community agencies that will help provide presents. Putting it on you is unfair and will only grow negative feelings. He also needs to get a job.
Fragrant-Hyena9522 said:
There are charities he could have contacted. Why is it your responsibility? NTA
Puzzleheaded-Ask-157 said:
NTA. If you buy that kid something for Christmas, next she’ll need clothes, then she’ll need a birthday present and this snowball keeps rollin’, keeps getting bigger and she’s living in your house. Stand firm this is not your kid she has TWO parents and that’s where he needs to take his self-inflicted sob story.