Wife refused to give husband's girlfriend their last $200 for 'an emergency.' AITA?
"AITA for not giving our last $200 before payday to my husband’s girlfriend?"
My husband (41yo) and I (33yo) are in an open marriage. Our other relationships are supposed to be physical in nature, staying clear of emotional and/or romantic feelings as much as is reasonable.
For context, I have a masters degree and am currently working two jobs so that my husband can stay home with our kids and go to school online. Recently, my husband has started talking to a girl we will call Anna.
This last Friday night, my husband met Anna—for the first time—at a hotel. I told my husband to ask Anna how much the hotel was so they could split the cost, especially since Anna had driven into our city to meet him specifically.
Initially, Anna was agreeable to this and asked my husband for $75. Right before my husband was about to Venmo her the money, Anna changed her mind and said she would pay for the hotel and my husband could pay for dinner and some drinks at the hotel bar—my husband ended up spending just shy of $100 that evening.
Fast forward to this morning (Tuesday), my husband woke up to a bunch of texts from Anna saying her dad had a heart attack a few states over and she needed $200 for a flight to go see him—asking my husband for this money.
I told my husband that I felt sorry for her but if he sent her $200, we would have $30 until Friday and we still hadn’t done our grocery shopping for the week. I told him that we could not afford to send her the money.
My husband is now mad at me for not letting him send her, essentially, the very last of our monthly money. He says I am being “heartless” and accused me of being jealous (I’m not).
I expressed concern to him that he may be becoming too emotionally attached to Anna for him to lash out at me like this. And, this may be where I’m the AH, I reminded him that it’s technically my money since I’m the only one that works right now.
When I left for work, he wouldn’t even acknowledge me and now I’m sitting here wondering if I should have let him send her the money—or maybe $100 instead. So, am I the AH?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
He is being love scammed.
This was exactly my thoughts. She comes to visit him and suddenly her father has a heart attack a few states away? Not saying it doesn’t happen, but seems rather suspicious to me. OP NTA and stick to your no, don’t budge at all.
No kidding. This other woman saw that sucker a mile off.
Not only is he being love scammed, apparently he’s so lonely that he’d fall for this despite being in an open relationship! OP, you have real issues in your relationship that this incident w Annie are unearthing.
Absolutely. But also - I’m equal parts horrified and laughing at asking/expecting someone to be involved in this type of open arrangement and asking them to split the hotel cost. If you can’t at least treat the person you’re asking for these type of casual arrangements to a nice evening stay home with your spouse.
NTA It doesn’t matter who’s asking to borrow the money, you’re entitled to say no. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, it’s your money. Don’t put yourself in a bind to help someone else.
Your open marriage may not be working if your husband is pushing past the boundaries you both agreed to. It’s money now, what’s next, vacations together? You need to make sure he clearly understands and follows the parameters if this is the kind of relationship you want going forward.
NTA
You have kids, you haven’t gone grocery shopping for the week. No money for groceries =child neglect.
He's being scammed and he's too desperate to realize it. I would remind him who holds the purse strings and that if he wants to pay for sex with other women he should pay for it HIMSELF. Also, him throwing a tantrum over a woman he just met and not caring about how it effects his children's wellbeing is gross. Honestly ask yourself if he's even worth it.
This is a scam and even if it's not you have CHILDREN. Feeding your family comes first then some woman he met up with once. I don't understand why this even has to be said. I thought open marriages had rules. You meet with someone once and they can ask you for money. She has no other friends or family. Tell him to think with his brain. NTA.
I'm sorry OP but none of this makes any sense. Why are you working 2 jobs so that your husband can stay home with the kids? You can each work a job and organize your schedule so that child care is always covered. He can do online classes in whatever spare time he can carve out.
Instead, he wants to not work, have girlfriends, and have you foot all the bills, including funding his dates? Not to mention sacrificing your time with your children as they grow? No. I can't imagine any of this was your idea, but somehow he got you to agree. So, not only is your husband being scammed, YOU are being scammed.
NTA - being in an open relationship doesn't mean one is responsible for the other's partners. Especially If you're not also "involved". Sounds like she's trying to scam anyway. Who asks for that kind of money after one date?
Why do you love him, again? He puts you and the children last, after his squeeze and his ego, and has a silent tantrum to punish you for being a responsible adult. Also, there is no sick dad.
NTA! You have an open marriage with one boundary—no emotional or romantic feelings. And I think financial support is implied in both emotional and romantic feelings.
The fact that your husband got mad at your very reasonable “no” (because it will be a detriment to your family), it shows he has already crossed the boundary you set in your marriage. And if he wasn’t sure this payment crossed the line, it would have been a discussion, not a demand.
Your comment about him not earning an income was an AH comment, but in the context, I’m not going to fault you for saying that in the heat of the moment. The bigger issue is that he’s not respecting the boundary you both agreed to.
Putting food on your plates is more important than your husband white knighting for Anna. And I doubt Anna is completely without financial means to go see her dad. It’s brazen to ask for money so early on. It’s a red flag on Anna’s part, open marriage or not.