Stressed dad erupts on Father’s Day while wife is recovering from C-section. AITA?
"AITA For not giving my husband 'a single hour off' on Father's Day?"
threekidsaita
My husband (36M) and I (33F) have been married for 8 years and have 3 kids (5, 3, and a 1-month-old infant). I am currently still recovering from my planned c-section and it is taking a lot longer than I had hoped. I am not on bedrest, but pretty darn close.
Unless it's to go to the bathroom or changing or feeding my baby, I'm pretty much always sitting or laying down. I don't like it, but it's what my body needs to heal right now. Both my husband and I are still on maternity/paternity leave.
Obviously, that means that pretty much every other aspect of our lives falls on my husband right now. He' been doing a great job of taking care of the older kids and making sure everything in our lives is running as smoothly as it can given our circumstances.
He's also great about taking care of the baby and giving me breaks as much as he can. But I can tell it's starting to wear on him mentally and physically. Neither of us is sleeping well and I swear he looks like he's lost more weight than I have since the baby came.
Due to me being pretty much immobile, I can't really go out of the house to do anything without assistance. So I wasn't able to plan anything really fun for Father's Day.
I did help the older kids make him cards and ordered him some nice steaks to cook though. I felt bad because for Mother's Day he bought me a 6-hour pregnancy spa treatment and took the older kids out of the house all day so I could have peace.
But on the morning of Father's Day, I was feeling worse than usual as I had to strain myself the day before to pick up something off the floor and I aggravated my incision. So, I was laid up all day.
Again, this meant my husband had to do literally everything that day. By the time he got the older kids to bed, I could tell he was irritated and upset. I told him to try and relax for a bit, but then the baby started fussing and he jumped up off the couch, grabbed a pillow, and screamed into it.
I tried to calm him down, but he just kept freaking out about how he's at his wits end and he needs a break and that I couldn't even find a way to give him a single hour of quiet on Father's Day. I started crying and he just looked at me and walked away to take care of the baby without saying anything.
After he took care of the baby he came back to me and apologized, but he said he needs a break and he's going to talk to family about taking the older kids for a week or so and that he's just disappointed that his Father's Day was spent running around doing everything for everyone else. He didn't even get to cook his steaks, he ate cold pizza for dinner.
I asked him what I was supposed to do because it's not like I can move or leave the house and he said I could have looked into a sitter for the kids or made them sit with me and watch a movie for an hour so he could have just a sliver of time for himself. He said he feels like his needs are at the bottom of the list and he just wanted to feel like he matters for one day.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
_Dick_Whitman_
YTA. You are a recovering mother which everyone should understand but I’ve spent 30 seconds reading this and already thought “why didn’t she coordinate with a friend or family member etc to take the kids for a portion of the day”.
That takes bare minimum effort and shows how you care for your man on his day during this period where he’s been getting the job done. Hindsight is 20/20 but again YTA.
Wide_Cranberry_4308
Hey but at least she ordered some steaks so that he could cook them by himself…Seriously at least order food in from a nice restaurant or something to make it feel special.
Jedisilk015
Why is it people never think of common sense solutions? Soo I'm immobile and fathers day is coming up. But no I'm not gonna call any friend or family to take the kids or help me out that day so my husband can actually enjoy his day.
And hes gonna have to cook his own dinner. No i didn't call a restaurant for take out, why would i? Soo many conflicts can be fixed if people would just use their brains. YTA and please call some people to come over so your husband can have a break. It sounds like he desperately needs it.
Aeronaut91
Because father's day is 20th on the list of most celebrated holidays. Mother's day is 2nd. That's the whole story right there. I'm not saying dad's deserve to be number 2, or even number 3.
I'm not saying your particular dad was a good dad or as nice as your mom. I am saying this OP's husband is rocking at being an equal partner and didn't even get 20th place treatment.
theassholethrowawa
YTA: Unless you left it out, you didn't even console your husband. He broke down in front of you after weeks maybe months of doing a lot on his own. Your only response was "well what was I supposed to do". Side note those answers are obvious I thought of his suggestions mid way reading this.
Maatable
YTA for crying when he needed you, not the other way around. Seriously you managed to get access to internet to post this but not to find a sitter for Father's Day? Apologize to him and make it up to him. And next time he opens up to you, don't cry and make it about you. He's doing literally everything for you.
I get people saying that "you can't help crying," and I know that, but people are missing that all she did was cry. At first she tried to "calm him down," which I have a feeling was to placate him, not soothe him, and then when he finally opened up about all he's struggling through, she shut him out by shutting down.
You can cry as part of your reaction, but when it is your entire reaction, you communicate to your partner that your pain, your feelings, are so much worse and more important than theirs. Even her husband regulated his emotional response when he screamed into the pillow for the sake of her and the kids.
There's crying because it's a reflexive response, and then there's crying because it protects you from responsibility and absolves you of guilt. If you're only just crying because it's a physical response, then go to your husband, cry, be emotional, be hurt, but still ask him how you can help. Don't come crying to the internet when he needs your care and attention the most.
BramptonBatallion
YTA. Husband is making a cry for help, you should have found a way to offload the kids and give him a day off.
Outrageously_Penguin
Somewhere between N A H and YTA. You’re both in the thick of it right now. But he’s not wrong that you could have figured out a way to make sure he got a break. You can call and text potential babysitters from bed. And like he said, you could have had the kids with you for an hour so he could relax.
I’m not saying you’re a monster for not making it happen, but you should make it up to him. He’s clearly on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown and badly needs a break.