'AITA for not giving my late brother's wife access to money?' 'It's meant for my nephew during an EMERGENCY.'

"AITA for not giving my late brother's wife access to money meant for my nephew during an emergency?"

My brother James was married to Elle for 10 years. They had one living child in that time, my nephew Caden (16). Elle had five miscarriages as well and that's something I mention because it will come up later. Caden was only 5 when James died.

Before he died, James was awarded money for a lapse in medical care which cost him his life ultimately. James wanted the largest part to go to Caden and when he was sorting his estate and final wishes he asked if I would become the caretaker of the money.

He had it in a bank account but wanted to be 100% satisfied it would go to Caden alone. He said it wasn't about Elle or how much he trusted her but she would remarry and he had no way of knowing if the man who came into their lives could be trusted.

And since he wouldn't get to see Caden grow up he wanted to secure some stability for Caden's future. I agreed and when he died he left me in charge of the bank account with the money. It wasn't put into a trust or anything like that. But only I have access to it.

Elle was understanding of everything at the time and we remained on good terms for a couple of years but then things soured a little. It was unrelated to the money, but she had started dating someone and when I met him I felt something was off about him.

She saw it as me not wanting her to move on. But they broke and it turned out I was right. However the damage to the relationship was done. We were civil for Caden's sake after that. Elle did remarry a few years ago. Her husband has children of his own and this is where the point of the post comes in.

One of Elle's stepchildren was involved in a near-fatal accident in December while with her maternal grandparents. Elle and her husband were trying to get to her, because she was out of the country. and Elle contacted me to say she needed some of Caden's money so they could go there.

She told me she wasn't sure how much in total she'd need by the time everything was sorted but she knew there would be enough to cover everything and still leave Caden with money. I told her the money was for Caden and Caden alone and I wasn't giving her any of it.

That I was sorry for what they were going through but the money needed to come from somewhere else. I spoke to Caden the same day and he asked me not to give any of the money up if asked again. He said he knew his mom was going to keep asking if they didn't get money from anywhere else. I promised Caden I'd keep the money safe.

I was asked again a number of times. Eventually the money did come from somewhere else. But Elle and her husband ended up taking on debt because of her stepdaughter's accident. And Elle is angry that I was sitting on a large sum of money for Caden and wouldn't let her use any of it for a real emergency. She said it was the wrong decision and totally callous. AITA?

EDIT:

I realize I forgot where the miscarriages would come in. But Elle has mentioned losing five children to me in an attempt to guilt trip me for not giving her access to the money. She has pointed out she lost her husband, she lost five children and in an emergency where her stepchild could have died I refused to give her even a small portion of the money.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

ivydream4 said:

NTA, this what was your brother anticipated and it came to pass. And Caden himself doesn’t consent to it so NTA at all.

Opposite-Bar-2598 said:

NTA. You did the right thing and I'm saying this from personal experience. I was in Caden's shoes. My father died left me with a sum of money. Somehow, my mom all got access to it and almost completely screwed me over. I spent most of the money cleaning up the mess my mother made as well as trying to help my stepmother keep a roof over my siblings heads.

Protect his future, no matter what's going on. That money is from his father for him to help build a stable life. Not to bail other people out, even in emergencies. They'll just have to figure out their own problems, just like they would have if he hadn't left anything. Don't let anyone else change your mind about that.

WeirdPinkHair said:

NTA I do think it's quite interesting that Caden also didn't want the money to be used for that. No hesitation. He's right in the thick of of it so sees a lot more than you do. May be time for a private chat with him.

Make sure things are OK at home, how he's treated etc. You could use his future plans re education, training etc as an excuse. And if his mom tries to tag along again it will, again, show she sees the money as hers as his future is his decision.

Sweet_Ivylovie said:

NTA. Caden who has the rights to the funds disapproved releasing it so it's all good.

Random_Dar said:

NTA, this is exactly why James chose you and not Elle. Elle is the one who effed up here and her main problem is that she sees this money as hers. I think if she came and asked for a debt, or at least said "I am taking X and will return it by Y, here is the written agreement..."

The outcome would be completely different. No, instead she said "I will not take everything", she never even mentioned re-payment. If someone is callous here, it is Elle.

eratoesben said:

NTA. I can’t imagine how tough this situation is for you to have lost your brother and now having to deal with these types of situations. Ultimately this was your brother’s money that he left for his one and only living child.

He was clear with how he wanted the money set up and who it belonged to. He foresaw all of these challenges and ensured that his child was financially taken care of. You are doing a phenomenal job of carrying out those wishes and that of your nephew.

I think you need to begin to factually write out how this money came to be, your brother’s exact wishes and send to your SIL why the money will only be used for your nephew. It’s not personal or interpretation, you are carrying out your brother’s exact wishes and your only responsibility is to your nephew not her new family.

Keeping it factual, unemotional and to the point leaves nothing to argue with (I’m sure she’ll try). Whilst it must be challenging for them as a family this is not a free pot of money for them, they should forget it even exists. In fact the only reason it does exist is because your brother was not medically taken care of and died, he literally died for this money...

Perhaps it is time for it to be moved out of a bank account and into a trust where you can be sure it can only ever be spent on Caden and not be abused by anyone else. You’re doing an amazing job, your brother would be so proud of you.

Shibaspots said:

NTA. It's not your money to give out. Any time she gives you grief about it, just repeat that. That money is a gift to Caden from his father that you are looking after. It's not an emergency fund for Elle. She needs to stop thinking of it as money she can access if needed. To her, it may as well not exist.