'AITA for not giving my money to help out my sister who is in financial trouble?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not giving my money to help out my sister?"

I am an 18-year-old man, and my sister is 22. Ever since we were young, she was always the priority for my parents. Don't get me wrong, they never treated me badly, but she was obviously the one they put more effort in. She would get better clothes, a better room, an allowance and other things. While I was never treated badly, things were as good for me.

I was never given any pocket money by my parents, thus, I started to work really early (14), as I've learned a few skills in programming and had a good portfolio by then (Github) so it was easier for me to get freelancing jobs. In my country, there's some banks that allow people underage to open accounts, but they are still under supervision of their parents.

Since I started to work, I became somewhat of a introvert, but that's not the point. Most of my adolescence I spent working on projects. Everything I got I used to help out with bills at my house and saved the rest on my account. The reason I did that, was because it is my dream to go to a specific University.

It's my dream school as they have a extremely respected course in programming, and while college itself is free in my country, living isn't, and that school is in one of the most expensive cities in my country. Now, I'm finally 18 and we're in the middle of the entrance exams. I already passed in the first test with flying marks and I believe the next one shouldn't be a problem as well.

However, since I turned 18, I'm no longer suitable for the same kind of bank account I had (which is only for underage) and needed to change. My mother and I went to the bank to change the account, and during that time she saw the amount I had saved (I won't put numbers, but its enough for me to live without working for the duration of the course. Though it won't be a frugal life.)

That day during dinner, she and my father started to talk about what I want to do in the future, and I explained to them. However, after a few moments, they stopped me in my tracks. They said that while it was all good that I had an objective, right now, my sister was in financial trouble, as she just had her second kid, and her husband and her could really use some help.

My mother asked me to give my sister my savings and I was really shocked. I told her how much I worked for that, and that it was my money, and I didn't want to give it to my sister, as that meant not going to my dream college, since my parents couldn't support me living there.

My father said "Well, you're still young and you can always earn more money. Your sister needs it." We argued more and I went to my room. However, I'm being constantly harassed and called an AH by my family. There's so much of this, that I can't help but feeling like I'm a horrible person. So, AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Warfinho wrote:

NTA. Not even a little bit. It is absolutely NOT your obligation to help your sister out. I’m sure your sister or her husband could get another job, or your parents could help if they so choose. Do not feel bad for wanting to use your money for any reason at all, especially to further yourself academically. P.S. well done for all of your hard work!

ZombieSquirrel57 wrote:

NTA. Go to college and build yourself a future. You are not responsible for your sister's bad decisions. She has a husband. She is his problem, not yours.

bxnnyears wrote:

NTA call your bank and make them aware of this and warn them of this. Make sure your account is in your name only and no one else can withdraw money. All the best to you.

ilostmyknees wrote:

NTA. If your sister is old enough to have two children and a husband, she's old enough to get her finances in line. Not to mention, it's your money, you earned it, and nobody should be forcing you to do anything you don't want to do with it. The fact that they looked one look at your bank account and said "hmmm, this should all go to our daughter" really does not sit right with me.

Ten days later, OP shared an update.

First of all, I want to thank everyone who sent amazing ideas and good vibes. I can't really express how much I appreciate all that. A few people have commented and sent me messages asking for an update. I apologize for the delay but a lot of things happened.

First, thank you all who told me to change accounts and banks. While that account was already under my name alone, I took the extra step of changing banks. Now, about the whole problems with my family.

After I read the replies on the post, I knew I wasn't in the wrong and decided to confront my parents on that. I told them I was not gonna give up my dream, especially since I worked so hard to achieve it. That escalated our conflict, especially after they found out I changed banks it all culminated with my parents kicking me out of their house.

I expected them to be angry, but I never expected that overreaction. Regardless, I can't really cry over spilt milk. I managed to find a friend who allowed me to stay at his house for a few days, and that's the reason I haven't update this sooner. I stayed for a few days and decided it was time for me to move to the city in which I hope to attend college. Now, I found a apartment and I already moved cities.

I will need to find work for now, as currently, I don't have a roommate as I was hopping to find one once college started. To be honest I have absolutely no idea what I am doing right now, but that's something I'll have to learn. I changed all my documents and especially the place I'll be taking the second stage of the entrance exam. So all I can do now i wait and see what future has in store for me.

For those who asked about my sister. I contacted her after I was kicked out and explained to her the situation. She was mortified, and told me that she never once asked our parents for help or money. She said she was indeed tight on money, but nothing she and her husband couldn't handle and she would never accept my money.

Just to make sure, I have absolutely no resentment of my sister. While we did grow apart once she got married, she still is my sister. I believe she didn't really have anything to do with my parents behavior and I'm very thankful for that. I absolutely adore my niece, and I'm looking forward to meet my nephew one of these days.

Anyway, my parents still very much think I'm an AH and a ungrateful child. Still sending messages and stuff like that. I'm just ignoring it for now, but I can't say it doesn't hurt to see my own parents say stuff like that. Well, anyway, I just want to thank you all once more for everything. Stay safe everyone.

The internet continued to respond.

DaisyInc wrote:

Your parents had a clear vision of your entire life for you. You were meant to be the beleaguered but doting son, forever slogging through mediocre job after mediocre job to make ends meet while living with them and supporting them after they retire.

Any sense of power or fulfillment they lose from retiring from their jobs can then be spent criticizing and correcting you, your career, choice in romantic partner or any other perceived shortcomings. They would have fed you crumbs of affections and praise every now and then so guilting you would still be a valid tactic despite these decades of unfair treatment.

All throughout, your sister would have been their one shining achievement, with any criticism from you or their own consciences quelled in infancy when they think of her thriving elsewhere and what an excellent job they did with her. That's what they were really upset about, losing what they had thought would be the next 30 or so years of their lives.

They didn't even really know or care about your sister's financial situation or possible solutions.

[deleted] wrote:

I didn't see your original post, but after reading everything, I have a feeling your parents would have taken the money from you and offered it to your sister, not once mentioning it was yours. I'm glad you got away from them and you're still on good terms with your sister, dude.

pinkpeppercorn08 wrote:

No chicken. You are NTA You sound like an exceptional young man and despite having good reason to be, not at all resentful. I think reddit will be very proud of you - I certainly am.

You have had to make your own way in life and I'm sure will do very well. Your sister is not your problem and I am sure she will be fine. After all she didnt know about your savings so she would have had to survive somehow.

DaisyInc wrote:

Your parents had a clear vision of your entire life for you. You were meant to be the beleaguered but doting son, forever slogging through mediocre job after mediocre job to make ends meet while living with them and supporting them after they retire.

Any sense of power or fulfillment they lose from retiring from their jobs can then be spent criticizing and correcting you, your career, choice in romantic partner or any other perceived shortcomings.

They would have fed you crumbs of affections and praise every now and then so guilting you would still be a valid tactic despite these decades of unfair treatment. All throughout, your sister would have been their one shining achievement, with any criticism from you or their own consciences quelled in infancy when they think of her thriving elsewhere and what an excellent job they did with her.

That's what they were really upset about, losing what they had thought would be the next 30 or so years of their lives. They didn't even really know or care about your sister's financial situation or possible solutions.

A month later, OP jumped on with a small update in the comments.

WriteAnotherWoods wrote:

Hey, was just curious to how things are going now. It's been a month, and I just wanted to see if you landed on your feet alright. Cheers!

OP responded:

I'm terribly sorry for not answering this before hand. I've been well this past few months. I was accepted into college and started it back in march. Things are going smoothly so far and I'm having an amazing time. I still don't have contact with my parents, but I've talked with my sister a couple of time through video calls. Anyway, thank you for remembering! Cheers!

Two months later, OP shared another update.

Advicevpanda wrote:

Can you please make another update whether or not you going to the college and how you're doing now ☺️☺️.

OP responded:

Hey there! Thank you for remembering me. I don't really think I'll make a long update. But I can tell you at least. I've been well, it's hard living in a new city, but I've finished my entrance exams and was accepted into college! I started my course not too long after this update was made, in march, and I'm well in the middle of the semester.

I'm loving it and I'm doing the best I can. I haven't had contact with my parents since I left but I occasionally talk with my sister through video calls. Once more, thank you for remembering me.

Almost three years later, OP shared another small update in response to a comment.

AlternativeGlass9149 wrote:

Hey just saw your first 2 posts on your parents. How is life going now ? I hope you are doing well.

OP responded:

Oh, sorry. Since this was removed, I never checked again. But things aren't that much different. I haven't talked with my parents since. I do have some contact with my sister, but we live almost 500km away.