'AITA for not giving any of my settlement money to my husband's ex who he owes child support to?'
"AITA for not giving some of my settlement money to my husband's ex??"
OK, this is the first time I have ever posted on here. I'll start off by saying that I do not condone anyone blowing off their child support. I feel that is important to mention and you will see why. I 36F am married to my husband 36M, we'll call him Ben. Ben has an ex that he was with for 12 years on and off. She is 35F and we'll call her Karen. Ben and Karen have 4 kids together.
2 of them live with us full time and the other 2 live with their mother full time. They alternate weekends with all 4 of the kids so it is 100% true 50/50 custody with all the children spending an equal amount of time very year with each parent.
Ben and I just had our 3 year anniversary in August. Anyway, a couple of years before Ben and I got married, I had bought a car. It was nice but definitely nothing fancy. Fast forward to July of last year, I got into a bad car accident.
I was OK but it totaled my car. I had literally just got done paying off about a month before this happened. The accident wasn't my fault and because of that, I was able to get a lawyer to fight due to back injuries that I sustained and also to get some compensation for the car that was now totaled.
The wait was LONG. It took over a year for me to see any money for the accident. The accident happened after my husband and I got married but I owned the car before we got married and it was in my name only. I finally got paid out for my car and it was almost 11,000 dollars.
It wasn't a huge amount but definitely enough for me to get another car. I decided that I didn't want another car payment so I started looking for a car that I could afford to buy cash and be done with it.
My husband pays Karen child support but he really shouldn't have to as Karen makes more than him and they also have 50/50 custody of the kids so I personally feel that Ben got screwed over with that whole thing.
We recently fell on hard times as the business that my husband and I were trying to build ended up failing after about a year and a half of us trying really hard. So now, we're out of work for the moment and my husband had fallen a little behind on his child support payments. When I say that I mean that he is only 1 month behind.
I ended up finding a great deal on a used nissan maxima and I bought it with my settlement money. It's important to remember what I said earlier about the car being mine and about how I purchased the car BEFORE Ben and I got married. The settlement money was in no way Ben's, it was mine and he was not in the car at the time of the accident.
I have been hearing from my husband's side of the family that Karen is pissed because "we can afford to buy a "fancy car" but WE can't even pay OUR child support".
This shocks me as there is no WE, they are not my children and I also have 3 children of my own that I am taking care of so this comment really gave me the ick. Another thing that bothered me about this comment is that for 1, she was telling this to the children , for 2, my husband was literally 2 weeks late on his payment at this time.
I told my step children that I purchased the car with my own money and that she wasn't entitled to my money as I am not the one that made those kids with her. They told her what I said and she apparently said something like "when you're married, nothing is just yours anymore."
I'm standing on the fact that I'm not the one that owes her money for the kids that I had no say in the creation of. It's a hill I'm absolutely willing to die on but my mil is saying that I should have paid her the money that my husband owes her but that would have made it to where I couldn't have gotten this car. So AITA for not giving my husband's ex money out of my settlement??
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
Both_Pound6814 said:
NTA! By law, child support does NOT take the spouse’s income into account, Karen can go suck a lemon. Also, he needs to go back to court in regards to child support, especially since she makes more than him.
JoyfulStitches96 said:
NTA. Girl this lady needs to mind her business. She's just acting entitled to your money because she knows you have it.
No-Sport-7184 said:
Why are the kids part of discussions about child support?
OP responded:
This is why I am angry that the kids are even telling me this. It makes me mad that they are being dragged into this when this is such an inappropriate thing to speak to kids about.
Crazy_Banshee_333 said:
NTA. The purpose of the settlement you received was to make you whole after your car accident. The money was awarded you so you could buy another car, pay for any medical bills, etc. This money was meant for you only, to be spent on accident-related expenses.
Your husband's ex-wife has absolutely no claim to this money. The money was not awarded to your husband and therefore he had no say in how it was spent. She can get butt-hurt all she wants, but she's ridiculous to expect you to pay her a penny out of your settlement money.
Do not back down on this. It's a ridiculous demand and doesn't even deserve a minute of your consideration.
bino0526 said:
Just goes to show how ridiculous the ex and the MIL are saying that OP bought a fancy car. The car is 8 years old.😲🤦
OP responded:
This!! It's a nice car but it's not like I went and bought a brand new car. I was super shocked by the audacity of the comments and the fact that she was bringing this up to the kids. In my opinion, even if I did buy something brand new, it's none of her business as I am not the one that she had those kids with. I don't hold my ex's wife accountable for the kids I had with my ex because that's not her place.
Chemical_Cut7396 said:
I don't know where you live but from where I am if you need it you can go to a judge to reevaluate child support amount as needed. Especially if there is a 50/50 custody agreement and/or if the income have changed. And of course, NTA.
OP responded:
Unfortunately, in my state, they tend to go off of the potential for earning rather than what you actually make so lawyers keep telling us that it would pretty much just be a waste of time and money to go back to court.
I find it odd though because she was making 10 an hour when the divorce was finalized and is now making 23 an hour so my thoughts were that it should change just based on that alone. We also had a baby of our own when we were doing much better financially and I have been told that a child being born should also be a deciding factor but I'm not a lawyer.
OodlesofCanoodles said:
it sounds like you need to focus on your financial challenges and retirement instead of allowing some nonsense to get under your skin.
if your husband wants recalculation of CS, you can file for it even without lawyers. they tell you what to forms at the court house in the library area and you can Google online...
And OP responded:
Thank you, I will talk to him about this because he has true 50/50 custody and we have the kids and equal amount of time as her. The issue is that at the time of the divorce, my husband did make more than her but even then, with them having 50/50, I don't understand why he owed her anything.
We then had a baby of our own who is now 2 and we decided not to rock the boat and to just grin and bare it but these comments that she feels entitled to make to the kids is making my husband really think twice about going back to court to have things modified. He is just worried about looking bad to the kids.