'AITA for not giving my stepmom the experience of being a girl mom?'
"AITA for not giving my stepmom the experience of being a girl mom?"
I (16f) have divorced parents and two older full brothers (19m and 21m. I was 5 when the divorce happened and 7 when my dad remarried. My stepmom had a son (20m) when she met dad and her and my dad have two sons together, my younger half brothers (7m and 5m).
Back when we met my stepmom was extra nice to me and even my brothers told dad it was like they weren't there. After that she was less obvious about it but she was always more interested in me and made a way bigger effort to be close to me.
I never liked that. I don't think she was trying to make me uncomfortable but I heard her say to a friend of hers that she was excited to have a little girl among the three boys now in the house and it made me feel like she wanted to be my mom. And I was always a momma's girl.
There's nobody I'm closer to than my mom and I never wanted another. Plus my parents shared custody of me so every other week I was at mom's house and it wasn't like my stepmom was my custodial stepparent or anything. She never made the effort with my brothers. Not once. She did spend time with her bio sons (step and half brothers) but she even made less of an effort with them.
It was always kind of awkward around dad's house when I was there every other week. And last year I decided to reduce the time I spent at his house. He understood my reasons and told me he'd like me to reconsider but wouldn't fight about it.
Only now that I'm not there as much my stepmom's more pushy about us spending time together. She's always pre-booking spa days to try and make me hang out with her.
She "wins" (I know she doesn't win most of those and only says it to try and make me go) a lot of lunch for two prizes online for places I like to go to. And whenever I go with her she's trying to make it last forever. So I say no 99% of the time to stuff and I always make excuses to have to leave after an hour or maybe two.
She told me she hates that I'm not spending time with her much and she's tried everything and she doesn't understand what she did wrong. She told me it's not that I'm too embarrassed to be seen with my parents because I go out with mom all the time and she even sees me include my friends in hanging out with mom. I told her that's the difference.
That mom's my mom and we're very close. She said she's my other/bonus mom and only ever wanted to experience being a girl mom but the only girl doesn't want anything to do with her.
She said she feels robbed and I told her it wasn't my job to make up for her only having boys and that she's only my stepmom not my real mom or my second mom or my bonus mom.
I left dad's house early because of my stepmom and dad texted me that night saying she was upset and that he hoped we could work it out. That was followed by three texts from her saying I was unfair and never gave her a chance to be my bonus mom and for her to be a girl mom. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Your dad is failing both of you.
Free_Cut_4713 (OP)
I do wish he'd be better at helping solve this But I know he doesn't want to start a fight with his wife or push me away. Although he kinda has a little bit pushed me away since I don't really like going to his house anymore.
Exactly. He's allowing his relationship with you to be injured instead of having an uncomfortable conversation with his wife. It's cowardly, and this is exactly what happens.
He's the adult. His wife is the one making you feel uncomfortable because you wont be forced into the role she would prefer instead of respecting you as an individual. That's on him to deal with, not you.
You are doing exactly what every other kid in the history of the world has done in this situation, pull back to protect yourself. You're not doing anything wrong, Op. This one is solidly on the adults who are not adulting.
NTA. As both a stepchild and a stepmother, especially since both of my stepmoms HATED me (my step-dad loved me), and my stepson's bio-mom passed away, a step parent cannot, does not, and will never replace a bio-parent.
Sure there are exceptions. My step-dad was definitely an upgrade to my bio-dad, and my stepson has told me that I'm a better mom than his bio-mom. But those are the exceptions rather than the rules.
Like you said, it's not your job to give her the experience of being a girl mom. I would try to have some compassion for her, this sounds like it's probably a rough situation for both of you. At the same time, you're the kid here and if your relationship with her isn't super strong, that's life.
NTA. I wouldn't expect you to feel a bond with someone you watched treat your brothers poorly. She can't force a closeness on her. I hope she gets herself in the right head space before the daughter in laws come along and she makes their lives difficult.
Free_Cut_4713 (OP)
I kinda get the feeling she'd ignore any daughter's in-law she'd get. Not even sure she'd see them as her chance to be a girl mom. Since she wouldn't get to raise them or be around when they're kids. She always ignored her older son's girlfriends when he brought them to meet her.
NTA. Your dad’s wife sounds like an awful parent, how is your relationship with your brothers? Did it change after your dad’s wife showed favoritism towards you?
Free_Cut_4713 (OP)
We're good. They didn't care that much. It was more funny to them. Then they felt bad for me when she kept coming up with more ways to spend time with me because they knew she couldn't read the room.
I think if they had been younger it would've been different since maybe they would have wanted our stepmom's attention. But since both mom and dad had no favorite it meant our relationship never suffered. If anything I was jealous of them most of the time when it came to our stepmom.
NTA—You are correct. It is NOT your job to make her happy by allowing her to overstep a boundary you have in place. If the connection isn't there, it isn't there. It isn't your responsibility to appease her at the expense of your own comfort.