'AITA for not giving up my toy collection to SIL's kids?' + UPDATE
"AITA for not giving up my toy collection to SIL's kids?"
I am 28f and I grew up in poverty. My parents barely kept roof on our head, fed us. But they gave me and my brother proper education. We won scholarships in private schools.
But the things other kids had always left us in tears, as we couldn't afford it. We also faced mocking from rich relatives, cousins and schoolmates. We promised to ourselves, we will reach level of success. And won't let others mock us.
I studied hard, cleared bank exam at age of 22 and working as manager in bank with six figure cheque in my country. My elder brother is even doing better working for international MNC and making double compared to mine.
Last year we both purchased duplexes in same building and though the mortgage is high, it is worth the investment and giving our parents good living conditions. He also married and angel Rebecca who herself work at reputable job.
I am dating jack 30m and we just got engaged. He comes from upper middle class family and we are very different. He find my toy room weird for my age. But it is all of those dream collection of toys that I wanted as a kid.
Ranging from teddy bears to Barbie dolls to remote cars to playstation. It is my holy grail. So he doesn't question it anymore. It even has vintage tv video games from Super Mario to others.
His elder sister Trisha 38f and her two kids 12f and 10m visited my house with him. Trisha has always been passive aggressive towards me and I feel she looks down upon my background. But have never been direct.
I showed her around my duplex and she made comments ranging from my walls decoration to furniture. I let it go. When her kids saw my room. They asked me to let them play... I allowed them.
The moment she started leaving. Kids asked me give them some of my car and doll collection and my vintage Super Mario. I refused. Jack and Trisha said to me that I am old enough for all this and give some of them to kids who are going to be my family. I still refused. She left in hurry with her kids who started crying after i refused.
Jack and I had huge fight afterwards. Note we don't live together. But we do hangout together often at each other's places. He told me to grow up and i told him these collections are my childhood dreams, envy that I have and I am never sharing it with anyone else besides my kids.
I told him that when we marry, I will gift to his family members on occasions. But these are my private collections and aren't up for discussion. Now he is giving me cold shoulder.
I didn't mean to make kids cry, but even as kid I was taught by my parents that not to demand things at other people's homes. Even when we were poor. Rebecca is on my side too. But my brother says that I am doing same. Like other kids did to us including our cousins. But I don't see it as same. Trisha and her husband are well to do.
Also we are meeting today and I will tell him the differences in our growing up and why do these toys matter to me. I don't like to talk about my childhood much. But I hope this might open his eyes. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA but why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t stand up for you when his family crosses boundaries and doesn’t support what makes you happy?
I would be afraid he would do something vindictive after marriage, like give them away or sell them. Something tells me he thinks OP will give up the hobby after they're married and living together. Like she won't be allowed to have it anymore.
ApplicationWifey1234 (OP)
Na I am not a doormat. But I believe in working around the relationship. We are together for two years. This is only time we fought like this..we will discuss it and if we don't reach common ground. Then yes I will end it. If he fails to understand it.
NTA you might need to rethink your relationship with boyfriend. I’m 56 and I have a doll collection, my husband never told me to grow up or disrespected me over it. Jack and Trisha should know it’s RUDE to ask another person for their things/collectables, besides it’s NOT 100% a certainty that those kids will be family now is it?
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
So that day I and Jack have planned a meeting. But sometime before our meet, he called me and he was very emotional. He apologized and told his mother (Riley) indeed put some senses inside his brain. He asked my permission to bring his mom and Trisha. I accepted it.
When they arrived, RILEY simply asked me to narrate the whole thing. I told her everything about how Trisha and her kids demanded my toys. I told her about the sentimental value of those toys. I told her about passive aggressive comments of Trisha and how I felt jack never supported me.
Trisha tried to shout, but her mother stopped her and the verbal lashing that she gave to both jack and Trisha for next few minutes. I wish I could be so confrontational.
She told Trisha to discipline her kids and told her that I am going to be her sister in law and she need to change her way. If she ever wants a relationship in future. Because I am going to be family. And her daughter in law.
Jack was emotional and apologized. He said he realized now the importance of all this. I told him I might forgive him, but not forget this. He asked me for a chance. So we are going to therapy.
Riley told him that I am a wonderful person and he should learn to value me more. Jack also told Trisha that her hateful comments won't pass again and that if he ever seen her putting me down, he will break contacts with her.
Trisha apologized, but I could see it wasn't from heart. I told her we need a break and I won't allow her and her kids at my home for some time. After that Riley ended it. And she and Trisha left.
I and Riley were always nice to each other, but not close. This incident has brought us close and we talked even today on call for 30 minutes. Jack is staying with me and has apologized a lot since. We have booked couple therapy and wedding plan is still on.
Thanks everyone for feedback. I know many told me to breakup and i appreciate it... Jack has been wonderful to me in many other ways. This was a road bump which we overcame. And I believe in working around the relationship. Still I respect all feedback. Take care❤️
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
It's great that your mother-in-law supports you 100%, but I don't know about Trisha, if she comes back to your house with her children, put your collection under lock and key if that's possible. You're not safe from one of the two children trying to steal something from you and given Trisha's behavior, she would be capable of saying nothing about it.
It's nice to hear a MIL being reasonable and with sense, unlike the MIL in BORU history.
If someone is 30 and still doesn't understand what many (including MIL) consider basic respect for someone, let alone someone they're about to marry, it's doubtful they're going to really change and even if they did, what other massive red flags do they have?
I feel sad for OP, they say they're not a doormat but it sounds like they'll still go ahead with the wedding and be unhappy for the rest of their lives married to someone who at 30 still needs to be told how to behave like a petulant 12 year old by their mother.
Lmao at the mom reading them the riot act. I like her. I also didn't really get to play with the fancy brand name toys as a kid, so now my partner encourages my truly terrible Lego habit 😂😭
Listen, I’m not a collector unless you count craft supplies in my closet (that I do actually use). But if anyone came for my teddy bear I would cut them off. Maybe it’s childhood trauma, maybe it’s just having boundaries, but even when I was dating if a guy came over and was anything but accepting I showed him the door.
I’ve been to therapy for childhood stuff, I can sleep without said teddy bear on vacation if he doesn’t fit in the suitcase. But being shamed over a comfort item or someone asking to take it away forever would be the end of the relationship. RIP SILs long term relationship.