'AITA for not going to my best friend's graduation because of her indecisiveness?'

"AITA for not going to my best friend's graduation because of her indecisiveness?"

So my best friend has been going back and forth for MONTHS about whether she even wanted to attend her own graduation. Every time she asked me what she should do, I told her it’s her moment and she should do whatever feels right. She’d say “it’s once in a lifetime” and that she wanted to go, so I supported her and told her I’d come too if she wanted me there.

At the time I lived 3–4 hours away with no car, but I still said I’d make it work. About a month ago I moved to her city. I even picked a place close to her (rent is more expensive there) because we’re close and I wanted to be nearby.

Four days before graduation I went over and she was showing me her outfit, makeup, hair plans, everything. I offered to bring my makeup over and come early so she could get ready how she wanted. Then two days before graduation, she randomly texts me at 10 am saying she’s not going. Not asking. Just “I’m not going.” I tried calling, but no answer.

So I assumed plans were off and made other plans for that day. That same night, she texts asking what time I’m coming over for graduation. I was confused and reminded her she said she wasn’t going. She said she was “just confused” and maybe she should go because it’s once in a lifetime. Then asked again when I was coming.

At that point, I got frustrated. It’s been months of this back and forth. So I told her if she can’t decide whether she’s going, I’m not coming. She said she was going and was just confused. I asked if she was sure or if she’d change her mind again since it was literally the day before.

She then asked if I was bored or lazy and that’s why I wasn’t coming. That annoyed me more. I said no, that’s not it, and asked if she even read what I wrote. She replied that I could come or not, it didn’t matter.

So I said fine, I’m not coming.

I still texted her to enjoy her day and even offered to bring a homemade cake(she loves the cake I make) after to celebrate. On graduation day I texted her congrats and tried calling. No answer. It’s been 5 days, and she hasn’t responded to any messages or calls, goes to voicemail/not seen. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Smooth-Reputation502 wrote:

Is your friend graduating high school or junior high school? Way too immature to be an adult graduating university.

OP responded:

She's graduating from college, same as me.

Odd-Smith3013 wrote:

I think need more info. Why is it that she was even questioning whether or not she should go? I don’t get it.

OP responded:

It's probably because both our families cannot make it since we're studying abroad. Other than that, I don't know why she is constantly questioning why she doesn't want to go. I've asked several times but it's just vague answers that gave me no answers.

missingher12345 wrote:

I mean, NTA, but if I were in your shoes, I would have gone. A graduation is like a wedding - it’s a once in a lifetime event. Yes, the way she waffled was immature and frustrating, but that’s the kind of situation where, if you value the friendship, you show up and then afterwards have a serious conversation about her behavior.

Regardless of what the internet says, I’d say there’s a high chance you’ve damaged this friendship. Another note: don’t have emotionally charged conversations like that over text, like ever. They’re way too easy to misread. Pick up the phone and call.

OP responded:

I agree with talking over the phone about this, which was why I called several times immediately after she told me she wasn't going, but she didn't pick up or call me back at all.

Responsible-Diet8802 wrote:

NTA fs. Your friend is in the wrong here but I feel like you could have told her “I thought you weren’t going so I already made plans that day. I won’t be able to go sorry.” I think it would’ve prevented a lot of back and forth but I totally get your frustration.

If she doesn’t reply I’d say to just leave her be. Maybe she’ll calm down and apologize if so that’s good but if she stays mad and continues to ignore you idk it’s not really worth dealing with all that 🤷‍♀️ she needs to grow up and act her age.

Pootles_carrot wrote:

NTA. You keep showing up for your friend and she is acting like a child. Worse, her response shows she doesn't value you showing up. If that is an indication of how she usually contributes to the friendship, you are better off moving on.

A toxic friend isn't better than being alone. If its out of character for her or there is something else going on, give her time and then try to talk face to face. Only you know if her friendship is really worth that effort.

JuliaSinclair05 wrote:

NTA. You were supportive for months. You offered to travel hours when you didn’t even live nearby, then you moved closer and still showed up emotionally every time she spiraled about it. That’s a lot of effort.

Changing her mind two days before and then expecting you to just drop everything after she already said she wasn’t going is frustrating. You’re allowed to have boundaries. It’s not about being bored or lazy. It’s about not wanting to keep rearranging your plans every time she feels unsure.

You even texted her congrats and offered to celebrate after. That’s not someone being petty. The silent treatment for five days is immature. If she’s overwhelmed or anxious about graduation that’s understandable, but taking it out on you and then disappearing isn’t fair. You didn’t ruin her graduation. She created the confusion.

Girldad_2023 wrote:

Sounds like she's just having fun jerking you around. I hate indecisive people and would have not attended. NTA.

OP wrote:

I would like to clarify that I moved to the city for better opportunities after completing my own studies and moved closer to my best friend instead of the original place I wanted to move to, so we could be closer to each other. Thank you for all of your replies and have a wonderful day.

United-Cat7724 wrote:

Why did you put so much stock in her graduation where you were bringing it up months out? The fact that you moved to a city that wasn’t where you originally wanted to move and to an area that is more expensive to be at a place closer to hers isn’t nice it’s strange.

If you wanted to be there for your friend block off the day and be with her whether she decided to go or not. It sounds like you were free to go and didn’t just to prove a point? And then were surprised she didn’t want you to come over with cake? This sounds unhealthy, sounds like it’d be good to distance this relationship and focus on you.