'AITA for not going to my boyfriend’s family trip with our newborn?'

"AITA for not going to my boyfriend’s family trip with our newborn?"

I (31F) have been with my boyfriend (45M) for 4 years now and a few months ago we welcomed our baby girl. He has three adult children from a previous marriage: two daughters (23F and 21F) and a son (20M).

I have always gotten along well with them especially the girls. They have been kind and supportive since we started dating and even more so when I got pregnant even though it was not planned. Our daughter is four months old now. His daughters live nearby and visit often. They absolutely adore their little sister.

They bring her gifts take photos and are always excited to spend time with her. It is really sweet and I am happy she is surrounded by so much love. But I have been feeling pretty overwhelmed. I am still adjusting to being a mom still figuring things out and I am exhausted. There has been a lot of company and activity and not much time to just rest or be alone with my baby.

Now my boyfriend’s extended family is planning their usual summer lake trip. It is a big annual thing with all the cousins and their kids. I went last year and had a nice time so now everyone just assumes I will be going again especially now that the baby is here. His son will be coming home from college and the whole family is really excited to meet the baby.

The girls are already planning matching outfits and pictures. But the truth is I do not feel ready. I am tired and honestly a little scared. The idea of packing up and spending a full week in a crowded house with a newborn is really stressful to me. I told my boyfriend he is welcome to go without me if he wants.

He was disappointed and said his daughters would be too and that everyone was looking forward to all of us being there. Now I just feel guilty. I know they are all excited and mean well and I feel like I am letting people down. But I also need space to take care of myself and our baby in a way that feels manageable right now. AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Clear_Illustrator83 wrote:

NTA. WTF??? He has 3 adult children so he should know how stressful & hard taking care of a newborn is this's not his first time like what is that behavior?

You shouldn't be expected to go on any kind of trips four months after GIVING BIRTH & adjusting to taking care of a whole human being just cause people want to play dress up with your daughter and have their little doll with them (nothing wrong with it don't get me wrong) but you're a HUMAN.

Your little precious baby doesn't take care of herself there's a whole human being taking care of her & just birthed her which is YOU and they need to freaking realize that. How selfish of them and your husband tbh, was he even present when his children were newborns? Cause those expectations & the way he reacted are odd af.

OP responded:

He always credits his ex with being the one who raised the kids. I guess I should have taken the hint when he told me that. 😄

Missepus wrote:

NAH. I get how you feel, I really do. However, I have an alternative point of view. The year my daughter was born, I went home to stay with my very large, active, noisy and often quarrelsome family. She was colicky and I was exhausted. My family stepped in, big time.

They helped me turn her sleeping patterns around, helped me get some hours sleep, and generally celebrated her presence while lending a hand. Without them I would have spent the summer in our little town apartment, alone and depressed, and I would also not have discovered that I had gotten hypothyroidism, my mother suspected that and sent me to a doctor.

I was just tired.

I was lucky with my family dynamic that summer. Not all families are like that, not even my family is always like that. But being with a lot of people who really wanted to be with my daughter was a blessing.

Momadvice1982 wrote:

NAH I understand you feel anxious to go and I get them wanting to meet your baby. These events are important to form family bonds, even if you only go for two days. In these situations, there are always compromises to be found: go less days, rent a cabin or room closeby so you can retreat to a calm place, ask for help with the baby from trusted family members.

Thing is, your baby is your first but it isn't a first born. This means that even while her siblings are adults, they will wish to bond with her.

Same as when she would have been your 4th. This mean less time alone with her, even though it's 100% okay to set boundaries and ask for some amount of privacy and space. Likewise, her siblings and family should respect your needs to. So, I would search for a compromise to let you get rest and peace and let your baby be part of the family group.

ProfessionalHot5213 wrote:

NTA. I'm assuming you do most of your daughter's childcare as well as looking after guests. Your husband needs to be more supportive and you need to look after yourself-- be less of a people pleaser as it is negatively impacting you.

SosseV wrote:

NAH. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Your family (in-law) will just have to understand, it's not their choice anyway. Don't agree with all the very harsh (typical Reddit) comments about your boyfriend, given the info you gave. You didn't say he isn't supportive or doesn't respect your feelings, just that he is disappointed, which I totally understand.

He is just proud to be a dad again, to have a kid with you and he can't wait to show of the baby to the rest of his family. Those feelings are as understandable as yours, so he is allowed to feel a bit disappointed, as long as he understands he has to think of your wellbeing and the baby's first. Nothing in your story suggests he doesn't though.