'AITA for not going to every single one of my husband’s shows?'
"AITA for not going to every single one of my husband’s shows?"
I (30F) and my (31M) husband have gotten into many arguments over the years because he feels I don’t support his music career enough because I don’t go to every single show he has or buy tickets the moment they drop.
For context, he is a live guitarist in 2 different bands. I have gone to almost all of his shows whenever he plays in our state but there have been a few times when I haven’t gone because it was either A). Not in our state, B) on a weekday and I have work that day/the next day (I work a 9-5), or C) I just didn’t want to go because the venue was far and hard to get to.
I want to say out of the like 100 shows he’s played in our home state, I’ve gone to 90-95 of them but because I didn’t go to all of them he feels I’m not supportive enough and compares me to the other bandmates’ partners who go to every single one of their shows. I also want it to be noted that I always buy a ticket and never expect to get in for free.
But he’s upset that I don’t buy it the MOMENT they drop and instead wait until a week or two before the show to get it. This is probably where I’m TA in this because the reason I don’t buy it the moment they drop is because I know the show isn’t going to sell out so I don’t feel a rush for me to get them.
Besides this, I buy merch from the bands he’s in, listen to them regularly, am always at the front when I’m at the shows, post their upcoming shows on my IG, always help break down/pack up at shows, and I’ve worked their merch booths a few times for free (which I offered to do, not because I was asked).
I also have created album artwork and logos for his solo projects and bought him gear in the past. So am I really not supportive enough because I don’t always go to the shows or buy tickets the moment they drop?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Howlpen wrote:
NTA. Reading everything you do (and you do a ton- way more than I would do), it sounds like he is looking for a problem. I don’t think this is about you. The only thing you may have been so nice that he takes you for granted. He’s trying to find fault with you, and WHY he wants to do that is the bigger question.
Cheating? Unhappy and trying to put the blame on someone else? Selfish and doesn’t see that he’s an endless pit of need? If he doesn’t express gratitude, if his focus is always on the negative, if he’s comparing you to others only to find your faults- that’s a choice he’s making. He’s acting entitled to your time, money, and labor. The question is why.
espressothenwine wrote:
NTA. It is not a reasonable expectation for you to be his groupie. You are his wife and you have shown plenty of support. You have a job for goodness sake, your whole life isn't about him despite what he seems to think.
Do the other bandmates spouses have jobs or do they just follow their people around and that is their whole life? It doesn't really matter in the end because they are not you and you are doing enough as it is, but it might be a good data point...
StrippinChicken wrote:
NTA. Ask him in what aspect he supports you anywhere near the way you support his career? Hobby? of music. Ask yourself the same question. Genuinely evaluate if youre happy putting in this much emotional labor (on top of time, energy, money, and actual free labor!) to have it thrown back into your face by someone who evidently does not appreciate it.
RoyallyOakie wrote:
NTA...you're his wife, not a groupie. His professional life is no more important than yours. He needs to be reminded of the importance of balance.
FairyCompetent wrote:
NTA. As a fellow band wife, I don't do any of that. I go to shows that are in town and end before 11. I do not carry equipment, I do not purchase tickets. I support his love of music and commitment to the band, but I am not in a band.
I did not sign up to carry equipment. They have plenty of fans and friends, and his enjoyment isn't contingent on my labor. I recommend his music to people I think would like it, and I helped him with the process of starting a label and becoming an LLC because research and organization are skills I do have and enjoy.
I am happy for every Saturday to be spent at band practice and I'm happy to run the household alone when they tour. That's the support I can afford and my husband is happy and grateful. Your husband sucks. He is the problem. He's expecting too much. You are your own person with your own life. If he can't enjoy his hobby without your labor, he should quit.
unlovelyladybartleby wrote:
How often does your husband give up his plans so he can go to work with you and sit there watching you work?
Yeah, that's what I thought. NTA.
Not long after posting, OP shared a few edits:
Edit: I appreciate all the comments and support. This has made me feel less like an AH But I feel should’ve clarified a few things:
All the stuff I do for him I do because I offer it/want to and not because he’s asking me (idk if that makes a difference).
He’s been able to get me guest listed a few times but it’s not every time. I’m usually expected to buy a ticket depending on the venue/show, but I also do it to support the band. The bands he’s in are his friend’s projects (like they create all the music by themself and he plays it live).