'AITA for not going to my girlfriend’s house to kill a cockroach?'

"AITA for not going to my girlfriend’s house to kill a cockroach?"

I’m not against killing cockroaches but she rang me up at 10 pm when I was already showered and on my PJs, and she was crying saying she had locked herself in her bathroom and couldn’t leave because there was a cockroach in her bedroom.

She had told me she is insanely scared and has a cockroach phobia, but I thought what she was asking me was totally unreasonable, so I told her there was no way I would be leaving my house and driving all the way there for something like this, then suggested she called her landlord (the guy lives in the building), which is something I think had not even occurred to her until I said so.

Anyway I called her back 10 minutes later, she said the landlord took care of it, but she was acting all cold and I asked what was the matter, and she said I made it clear she can’t count on me and that I bailed on her when she needed me. So I’m wondering if I could have been an AH for either refusing to go there and for how I expressed my refusal.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Khannag wrote:

Places with one roach usually have other roaches. Unless he's willing to drop everything and rush over across time every time one of them decides to make a guest appearance it's better to squash this up front.

Odd_Refrigerator18 wrote:

I mean objectively NTA and she has no real right to be mad at you.

But also….one night of inconvenience could’ve put you at the status of being the best boyfriend ever in her eyes. It’s the little things in relationships that really make a difference.

FineIwillbeonreddit wrote:

NTA. Unless you're next door neighbors, a cockroach is not a "drive across town" emergency.

If she'd called and told you she was mugged and was in the hospital and you'd said no? Different conversation.

mindfreakhouse wrote:

If you specifically said “there’s no way I would be leaving my house and driving all the way for something like this” then YTA. You’re not required to drive over there but I’m just wondering if you had any empathy for her feelings at all. Phobias are not reasonable. Her reaction is not reasonable. You can’t logic your way to her feelings.

You just have to sit down and talk to each other about what happened. Ask her what specifically made her feel that you’re not there for her. Hold your boundaries (that you can’t come to kill a roach in the middle of the night) but what can you do instead that will help her feel like you’re there for her. Just talk to each other about it.

Twiner101 wrote:

NAH.

I know this will make the phobia community mad, but you did exactly the right thing. You set a boundary that you weren't willing to make a drive to deal with her phobia for her. You didn't enable the phobia.

Now she's not an AH either, hence the NAH ruling. Phobias are real and this isn't something that she can just "grow up" and escape. However, continuing to cater to the phobia doesn't allow her to begin the path to healing. It's a long, difficult road if she wants to start it, but your healthy boundaries can be her first step.

Tricky-Muffin7102 wrote:

NTA but I very much understand where she comes from. Whether it's an "actual" threat or not, her entomophobia made her think she's seriously in panic and in danger because of that cockroach.

I understand how she could rethink her relationships by now adding that she needs someone to be there for her when her entomophobia is acting up, even if it's "stupid" to someone who doesn't have the phobia. Again, NTA, but yeah no shit she'll be cold.

Witch_on_a_moped wrote:

NTA. As a bug HATING woman we must learn to squash/trap/kill things when The Men are away. I'm too squeamish to squash a cucaracha, so I simply trap it under a plastic cup or disposable container with a book on top and save it for my Knight with a shining fly swatters arrival to do my dirty work. Tell her to do that. Yes screaming while trapping is allowed and doesn't make you less of a woman.

hibiscusvitch wrote:

As someone with a true cockroach phobia, yes & no. I have to take a xanax every time i have to deal with one because it makes me unbelievably not ok at all. I have paid work friends to help me. My dad has driven 45 mins to save me, and then was also like “holy crap that one was huge.”

(Because he thought I was bring dramatic when I explained it was enormous.) Then he drove 45 mins home. I get that your average person expects anyone to grow up and deal with it. But if it’s truly a phobia like that, it’s not always that simple. If it’s decently easy for you to go help, why not? Approaching head on any phobia can be extremely distressing for a person.

I think the landlord suggestion was a good alternative to you going there. I made friends with my former guy neighbor to save me from situations like these after my dad had enough of driving so far.

If my boyfriend didn’t want to come help me knowing I was seriously in distress, then yeah, I’d probably feel like when i really needed it, nobody would come through, which can on top of the cockroach distress, be upsetting and isolating. I get that all of that is dramatic, but phobias are irrational.

Telling someone to face their true phobia is not helpful unfortunately. In sum, I see both sides. Bonus: I dealt with 4 big roaches in a span of 4 days the other week. Lots of alcohol was drank to build up the courage to even approach them. (Because seriously, WHY do they ALWAYS fly right at your head!?)

(Neighbor also did not answer the phone. Couldn’t go thru front door bc it was somewhere over there.) Unfortunately I killed only 2 and cried, but I also lost 2 of them, and found them dead later - one when I was packing to move, and the other in my cats water bowl. Disgusting! It still makes me paranoid thinking about it. ☹️🥲

ETA: Everyone saying when there’s one roach there’s always more - this is not necessarily true. It depends on the type of roach. German roach? Absolutely there’s more than likely thousands more. Especially if you see a baby one. Palmetto/Tree roach? It really probably is just that 1 that got in in search for water. Sauce: i live in south texas. They are everywhere down here, and I hate them.

Donutsmell wrote:

NTA. I understand fear of bugs, but calling you and expecting you to come over and deal with it should not be her first option. What did she do before she had a boyfriend? Also, did you break the news to her that no one has just one cockroach?

notastraycat wrote:

NTA. Even if you lived two houses away it's unreasonable to ask you to come take care of something like that after you're ready for bed (or, frankly, at all; this is not an emergency). Plus it's better for the landlord to know about cockroaches because (and I urge you not to talk to her about this fact) there's never just one.