'You should’ve just gone.' Woman called 'ungrateful' for missing her birthday party she didn't know about. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for not going to the birthday party my SIL planned for me?"
This situation has been on my mind a lot and I just need to know if I was in the wrong in the way I reacted. Last Saturday was my 35th birthday and the only thing I really wanted to do was spend time with my husband Chris and our 5yo Eliza.
I didn't have any plans to go out because I don't really like going out unless I absolutely have to. I would much rather stay in if I'm being honest. Everyone who knows me knows this.
Well during one of the movies we were watching I got a call from my SIL Whitney (29) asking me if I would like to go bowling with her and a few mutual friends of ours. I said that I wasn't up for it and just really wanted to spend the day with Chris and our daughter since it was my birthday.
She repeatedly begged me to go but I stood firm and kept declining her offer. She was upset and just hung up on me. I sent her a text apologizing but she just left me on read.
A few hours went by when I got a call from a friend asking me why I didn't go to the party Whitney planned for me and I told her honestly that I didn't know about any party.
Whitney didn't tell me about the party when I was on the phone with her earlier in the day and the only thing she called about was to ask me if I wanted to go bowling, which I declined to spend the day with my family.
My friend called me ungrateful and rude for completely dismissing Whitney's feelings after she spent so much time planning for my birthday party. I apologized because I honestly didn't know but my friend told me that I was still wrong to decline her offer instead of going to the party.
I called Whitney after I got off the phone with my friend and asked her why she didn't just tell me about the party. I would have gone knowing that she put a lot of time and effort into planning it, but I didn't know.
She told me that's the whole reason why she invited me out to bowl because it was a bowling party for me. I felt really bad and asked if there was anything I could do to make up to her for missing the party she planned for me. She said no and then just hung up.
I tried talking to her on Monday but she was pretty cold towards me and didn't actually want to talk to me. Chris doesn't think I did anything wrong but I can't help but feel like the jerk for missing out on the party she planned for me. So was i wrong for not going bowling when my SIL invited me to?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. You didn’t want to go bowling. At no point was an actual party in your honor mentioned from what you posted. This is on SIL. Granted she may have been trying to surprise you, however given you said no to just bowling, it’s on her to make more of an effort.
NTA. Unless you are an experienced user of a crystal ball how on earth would you know it was a party for you. I’m a home-girl myself and people always wanting you to go out with them, because that’s what they like, gets annoying. Your birthday… your choice. Hope you enjoyed your family time despite the interference. X
Whitney never told you she planned a party. She asked if you wanted to go bowling, you said no. You'd rather stay home on your birthday. THAT is when she should have told you it was a bowling party for you. NTA.
It would appear that SIL didn't tell her brother either, which is really weird. And gave up after one phone call. You'd think step two is text your brother and get him to persuade if it's a surprise. And if that doesn't work then you call again and just be straight with the person. I kind of feel like Whitney wanted this to fail.
NTA. SIL sounds like an immature drama queen. The first thing she should have done was to clearly communicate her plan. She never did, so that is ALL her fault. You need to get the real story out there because she is using this as an excuse to turn others against you. Your husband needs to call her out and explain that he was there when she called and she never mentioned a party.
Also, it is irresponsible to any guests she invited to not have secured plans with you because having others schedule their time for that reason. It was completely rude and entitled to expect that you would drop everything on your day off to revolve around her plans that she never included you in.
Seriously, you cannot get mad at someone for having other plans when you call the day of the event. None of this is on you. Stop apologizing. Tell her to grow up, learn how to communicate like an adult, and stop creating drama. Your husband needs to do the same.
If you want to surprise someone, you have to make sure they are going along with the fake plans. If your only plan B to them declining to go is to get mad and hang up on them, then you shouldn’t ever try to surprise anyone again. Snotty teen tomfoolery.
So your friend created a surprise party for you but didn't let your husband in on it? Were you supposed to just leave him and your kid so your friend could have you all to herself on YOUR birthday? NTA.
NTA. Yes, she was trying to surprise you, but as soon as you were firm on your No she should have given up the surprise and admitted what she had done. Her lack of communication does not make you TA. At all. If anything, she is TA for the way she handled it and her lack of communication.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
So it's been a few days since I posted here and asked if I was the a-hole for not going to the party my SIL planned for me and a lot has happened since then. A day after I posted I sat down and talked with my husband and asked Chris if he knew that Whitney was planning a party for me.
He told me that he didn't know anything about this party since they talk everyday multiple times a day at that. He said he found it weird that she never mentioned it to him. I found this weird too because it didn't make sense to me and I just don't get why she wouldn't tell her brother about the party.
The next day I decided to sit down and talk with Whitney and ask why she didn't tell me or Chris about the party. She said that she didn't have to tell us anything and as her SIL I should have just gone when she invited me out to bowling.
I told her that it was unfair of her to say that when it was my birthday and I should be allowed to do whatever I want on my birthday. She told me that I was a terrible person and it was unfair to make her the bad guy when this was all my fault for not going.
She actually told me that I should pay her back the money she wasted throwing me a party I didn't even go to. I told her that I wasn't going to do that and cut the conversation off there because we are obviously getting nowhere at this point.
Later in the day I got a call from my MIL telling me that I was an ungrateful brat for not appreciating what Whitney did for me. She even agreed that I should pay Whitney back the money she used to throw the party, including decorations, food and the cake.
Chris answered for me and told his mom that I wouldn't be paying Whitney and that was the end of that. MIL told him that it was the least I could do for not even showing up after I knew. He told her that by the time I knew about the party it was over and I couldn't be able to go then. MIL just hung up after that.
After that call I told him that I really didn't want to be around his mother and sister right now because I'm starting to feel like this whole thing is used as a way to attack me for no reason. It feels stupid to me that they are both so mad about this but can't see how wrong Whitney was for not saying anything about the party to me or Chris.
I don't want to go no contact completely but as of right now I am definitely going low contact with them for the foreseeable future. I don't know if this is the update that you guys wanted but this is how things played out and hopefully maybe in the future I can come back with happier news. But for now this is where we stand and I'm ok with that.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Trust your instincts - that wasn’t a party for you, and now they money-grab? GTFO with that.
It's a set up for sure. There is no way she would have planned a party for OP without telling her brother to make sure she would be there if she actually WANTED her to be there. What a elaborate way to try to make someone look bad and turn others against them. And the funny part is that nobody looks bad except for SIL and MIL! They definitely don't like OP and are TAH's.
So how many of your friends did she invite ? Zero? Not your party.
Something super fishy about this. NTA.
Try to snoop around to figure out what your SIL was really planning.
This is why surprise parties are a Bad Idea. The planner doesn’t know if the Guest of Honor has other plans, or even if they want a party at all. Also, most times, the planner doesn’t know what the GoH wants for a party. And they tend to go wrong.
The people who arrange these things also don’t really want to do something nice for the GoH. They want the praise for having arranged the party from everyone around them. It certainly sounds like that’s what your SIL wanted.