"AITA for not going to my best friend's wedding?"
I (29F) am strongly considering not attending my “best friend’s” (32F) wedding. We can call her Claire. I put best friend in quotations because, over time, Claire and I have drifted apart. We’ve been friends for over a decade, share the same social circle, and have many of the same close friends.
Claire and her fiancé Josef have been together 9 years. They have three children and a home together. Unfortunately Josef is the worst. He is demeaning to her constantly even though she is the breadwinner, has cheated on multiple occasions with increasingly stupid lies, (ie. I wasn’t sexting a person that was an AI bot, those pics were meant for you but I got too self conscious), ew.
Josef has to be the center of the attention in a crowd. If he feels that the attention is not on him he starts acting out. In the past when he’s cheated, she has asked me to stand up for her, which I did without hesitation, when he approached me to talk about it I told him not only the cheating was unacceptable but the way he talks to her.
It caused irreparable damage to my relationship with him. I play nice when we are together but he’s never gotten over it, any time he has a chance to point the finger at me and create distance between her and I he does.
I love her deeply and enjoy spending time with her when he isn’t around. Since he and I had our confrontation and she decided to stay with him I have kept my opinions about him to myself.
I understand it’s easier said than done to leave someone especially when children are involved. Its created a clear emotional distance between us. Her relationships with the rest of our friend group are strained in similar ways.
He proposed this spring, and they just announced a destination wedding in Barbados. The problem is another mutual friend who I’m incredibly close with (Claire was too) has had a destination wedding planned in 3 months earlier.
That wedding has been in the works for over a year, the entire friend group is attending, I am in the wedding party; along with two other women who would have likely been bridesmaids in the Claire’s wedding as well, including the bride!!
It feels like our friend group is being set up for failure. My boyfriend and I don’t even take vacations for ourselves given our financial situation, and many of our friends are in the same position.
I simply cannot afford two destination weddings within three months of each other. I also feel like this has put undue stress on the OG bride who has planned her wedding with such thought and care and has given everyone nearly two years to plan for it. She now has a shadow on her wedding and the guilt of everyone attending her wedding and “being the reason” they won’t attend Claire’s.
Part of me feels like I should find a way to make it work, and I worry that if I don’t go it will be framed as the final blow to our friendship. something like, “She couldn’t even come to our wedding; how can you call her a friend?”
I don’t want to contribute to her becoming more isolated, but I also can’t put myself into debt to go. I’m also really struggling with the timing of it all, I understand you don’t plan your weddings around your friends but to ask everyone to travel out of the country I feel like you need to read the room a little.
I feel like we are all being set up for failure so he can get his “aha, told you they suck” moment. And maybe I do because who am to say I love you and I know this is important to you but it’s too inconvenient for me?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA, you already committed to a wedding as did most of your friend group, its on your pal for not foreseeing this and prepping badly.
Just be honest. Your other friend got in first regarding their destination wedding, and that you only have enough funds to go to the other wedding. Wish them well, that they have a wonderful wedding.
NTA - are she & jobless Josef going to the original destination wedding?
Willing-Cry6005 (OP)
She is coming to the original wedding alone. He was invited but is not coming, Claire says it’s because of childcare.
NTA. I say be honest with her when you let her know you can’t be there. That you want to be, you’re not wanting this to be a wedge in your friendship, but you simply cannot afford to leave the country twice in one year without 2-3 years notice to save and plan.
Tell her sooner rather than later and encourage your friends to do the same if they’re in the same position. Maybe you will help her see that she’s choosing not to have the group with her by making it a destination right after the other.
Clearly if they’ve got 3 kids there isn’t a rush and she can’t be that far into planning. Maybe she’ll want to move her date so everyone can be there. But even if she doesn’t don’t wait to tell her and don’t go into debt to be there.
NTA. You’re not a bad friend for prioritizing your budget and the friendship that values you. No one wants to financially strap themselves for an emotionally draining experience.
If this is Josef's way of getting back at you, then not going is absolutely the best choice here. Add the finances and it's just not going to happen.
And if this is the straw that breaks the friendship? Tell Claire you'll be there for her when Josef hurts her again but for now you're stepping away from a situation that is just causing unwanted and unnecessary hurt on you.