"AITA for not going to someone’s house for dinner?"
My boyfriend and I were invited to a Christmas celebration with a couple of his work friends and their spouses. I like them and get along with them fine, but I’m feeling frustrated about how the plans were handled and wondering if I’m overreacting.
Originally, we were all supposed to go out for dinner at a restaurant for $20 per person, adults only, which I was really looking forward to. I wanted a night out, to get dressed up, walk around the city, and enjoy a festive dinner. There are two other couples and a few extra people attending.
After everyone agreed in the group chat to go out, the couple who suggested it suddenly changed it to being at their house and said it would be $15 per person with their cashapp info. It’s also no longer adults only, and their kids are now included.
I know it’s cheaper to go to their place, but I was really hoping for a night out. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. It seems like every outing ends up at their house and people are expected to pay.
I didn’t grow up with much, so I promise I’m not being a snob, I’m just not used to this. Normally, I’d contribute a few dishes/ some drinks, but paying on top of that feels kind of weird.
There have been a few awkward experiences in the past. One evening we went to their house for dinner. The food was cold and the portions were tiny. I told my boyfriend when we got home that the steak was gray and tasted weird, he agreed.
One of the hosts actually messaged afterwards on their own accord to apologize and said the steak had been old. On the same night, we were asked to bring drinks, and we went to two different stores to get exactly what they wanted, but they didn’t drink them.
In the summer, they had a cookout and again asked people to pay $20 each and bring their own drinks. I didn’t go, but my boyfriend went and brought me a plate back and it was really bad.
I just wanted the dinner to be a night out, somewhere festive, with good food and a nice atmosphere. My boyfriend thinks I’m being a diva and says $15 isn’t much, but I’m annoyed that the plan was changed after everyone had agreed.
I do understand things now are expensive too. I feel bad for feeling this way and I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable. AITA for saying I’d rather skip it if it’s at their house?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Sounds like they're using you to get rid of old food and make some money. Switch it up and offer to bring takeout and everyone splits the cost.
NTA, but when you decline, say it's because you have other plans. Maybe those plans are to stay home with your boyfriend - or for your boyfriend and you to go out to a nice dinner as was originally planned. Traditional etiquette provides this sort of method for getting out of unwanted invitations while keeping on good terms with the host and other guests.
NTA. Tell boyfriend that you and him are going to the promised restaurant for $20 a person it is not too much more than friends party so he can’t complain on price. You get reasonable food and festive atmosphere. You’ve already tried Chez Cheapo Friends house several times and it always disappoints.
When you RSVP no thanks you can say you have your heart set on other place and festive atmosphere walking around but maybe next time. You’ve already been to theirs before so there should be no hard feelings.
NTA. It’s always ok to decline if the plans are dramatically changed from what you originally agreed to. You wanted a night out, kid free, at a restaurant. This is explicitly none of those things. You’re fine to decline and make plans with your partner to go do your own thing.
NTA. The couple are AHs. It’s bad enough that they trick everyone into their real plans… and expect people to pay for it; but they don’t actually spend the money you give them for the meal. They give you old, sketchy food!!!!
But your real problem is your bf. Why does he keep agreeing to these dinners??? (Honestly, why does any of the marks - er, I mean ‘guests’ - keep accepting this couple’s invites?
You can talk to your bf and ask him why. He may decide to stop accepting those invites. Then you two are free of this couple’s traps. If bf wants to keep going (doesn’t want to make waves, offend a power couple at work, ‘miss out’ on a work gathering),, then tell him he is on his own.
Ugh this is annoying BUT you may need to go if it's something your boyfriend really wants to do. What if you made up some excuse, like, "Oh Boyfriend would love to come. I have another event I have to attend later that evening but I'd love to come by just for a drink before I head out."
NTA, it sounds like they pull this bait and switch act a lot. It is slightly complicated because these are your boyfriend’s friends from work. If your bf’s on board, you could reply saying “oh, I was really looking forward to a night out with just the adults”, and see what the responses are from the rest of the group.
If he’s not, then maybe suck it up this one last time and never accept an invitation to go “out” with them again, because you know you’ll just be filling their coffers and their wine cellar for the rich reward of old steak!