Wedding hypocrisy exposed as bridesmaid’s lesbian partner invited—but twin’s boyfriend forbidden. AITA?
"AITA for not going to my twin's wedding???"
I (24M) have an identical twin. We're not close, but I thought we had basic mutual respect. That belief was tested. I grew up in a traditional Southern town and only began coming out in college, about five years ago.
It's been slow, especially with family. But since moving to DC in '23 for school/work, I've felt more comfortable living authentically. After moving, I met my boyfriend (26M), and we've been together 2 years. Over time, I've introduced him to friends and family when I felt safe.
Cut to Nov. '24: I was home for the holidays and told my twin and his fiancée about my boyfriend. They seemed happy for me. While staying with them, wedding details arose, and they asked if I'd be bringing a date. I said yes, my boyfriend.
My twin had gone to bed, but his fiancée said, "While there are pros and cons, it's up to you if you want to bring him." That felt like a green light. My twin constantly deferred to her on decisions, so I didn't think I needed to double-check.
5 months passed, my boyfriend and I had spent $1,300 on travel (flights, hotel, etc.). 3 weeks before the wedding, I mentioned on a call with my brother that we were all set. His tone shifted: "Oh, is BF actually coming?"
I reminded him of the conversation with his fiancée. He said she never gave me permission and accused me of making it up. Then said, "We can't allow your boyfriend to come. We worry how Dad's side will react."
I offered to call Dad on the spot. He dodged this, saying he'd check with his fiancée (despite just saying it was his decision.) An hour later, no change. I was still invited... ALONE, still expected to buy a groomsman-match suiting (even though I wasn't in the party), and show up smiling.
That's when I snapped. I asked, "If I didn't invite your fiancée to my wedding, would you still come?" He couldn't answer me and ended the call after some very harsh words.
Trying to make things right, I came out to my dad (which I feared for years) to explain the situation. He was surprisingly indifferent and even said uninviting my boyfriend was extreme. He offered to talk to extended family. I thought I was removing the main obstacle.
Weeks later, my twin called again. He now claimed our friends would be "weirded out" (So the excuse shifted) I said, "If my boyfriend's not invited, I'm not coming." He didn't budge.
Here's the kicker: days later, my dad told me the fiancée admitted she did give me permission but changed her mind when she remembered "who would be there." She denied this to my twin. Also, one of her bridesmaids is openly gay and brought her girlfriend, but, according to the fiancée, "she's not part of the family," so it's different.
So I didn't go. I'm still wondering if I made the wrong call. My absence was noticed. I got texts asking where I was. My mom had to explain it repeatedly. So instead of avoiding attention, my absence became the story.
My relationship with my twin is dead, and some family ties now feel fragile. Part of me wonders, should I have sucked it up and gone solo, just to preserve bonds that shaped my early life? So, AITA for skipping the wedding?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
u came out to ur dad, got gaslit by ur twin, got lied to by the fiancée, and still tried to make peace. u did more than enough. they chose drama, not u.
He wasn’t even asked to be a part of the bridal party? I think his relationship was dead long ago or am I wrong?
NTA. You did the right thing. Now you know who your twin and his wife are. I’m glad you talked to your father. That must be a relief. I’m sorry about the others in your family.
NTA. But your twin and his wife definitely are both AH. I'm glad you've found out that your dad is at least supportive of you and your boyfriend; that's something good out of the stinking corpse of your relationship with your twin.
I don't know why my reddit isn't working like it used to but i can't cite directly from your post. So indirect citation it is. "Your absence got noticed" - good! "Your absence and the reason for it became a huge story at the wedding" - very good! NTA.
Listen, I'm sure it hurts now that the relationship with your twin is dead; but do you really want to be close to someone who doesn't respect you? They wanted a fake version of you at their wedding. And they didn't even had the courage to say so but instead blamed it on others. They suck. On the other hand, it's great that you now came out to your Dad who reacted really well!
NTA. Your brother keeps finding excuses by saying other people won't accept it, when it's clear he is the one who doesn't but won't admit to it. He may be your family by blood, but your boyfriend is who you choose to be with and it's great you're standing by him and your relationship.
NTA. Your dad being indifferent/supportive came so far out of left field! It would've been fine if that had resolved the issue. After all, backlash from family is a major reason why people are afraid of coming out, and even just supporting a queer family member can lead to negative experiences with the homophobes in the extended family.
But that's not what happened. The excuse shifted. Okay, maybe the friends... oh. There's a lesbian bridesmaid who's allowed to bring her girlfriend. Sorry, but your brother and his wife are awful.