Father’s mistress turned fiancée faces backlash as son exposes affair to wedding guests. AITA? + 1 YEAR UPDATE
"AITA for not going to the wedding of my dad and his affair partner?"
When I was 17, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. 2 years later she passed away During these 2 years my dad was not around much. He was always working and going on business trips.
My aunt and grandma took care of mom. About 5 months after my mother's passing my dad introduced me to his new girlfriend. I was pissed. I yelled at him how quickly he moved on from mom when they decided to tell me they had been in a relationship for 3 years.
My dad had been cheating on my mom while she was dying. His business trips were to meet his affair partner. I was so angry I packed my stuff and left his house. I haven't spoken to him since that day.
Currently I am 25. The only family I speak to is an aunt who helped me when I left my dad's house. A few days ago my aunt called me, asked me how I was and then asked me if I heard from dad. I said why would I hear from him again.
My aunt said dad is getting married to his affair partner and by going to his wedding it would help us mend our relationship. I said why would I do that. He is dead to me. There was a silence on the phone for a bit before my dad replied asking if that was what I felt about him.
I immediately cut the call when I heard his voice. I realized he was with my aunt when she made the call to me. I texted my aunt telling her I asked her not tell dad anything about me and she agreed back then.
She texted me back saying I was an AH for saying what I said and my dad is crushed hearing that and that I should move on by now. I did not want to argue with someone who helped me so I blocked her.
Over the next 2 days, I got sent a wedding invitation to my mail box. The only person in the family who knew my address was my aunt. And she gave my number to various members of the family. I am being bombarded with calls and texts from dad, uncles, cousins, aunts saying I should give him a chance and come to the wedding.
Some calling me names for saying what I said. I got a text from the affair partner saying my dad is thinking of postponing the wedding and I should just talk to him. (For context, the affair partner was a friend of my mom and knew she had cancer).
I said its not my fault if he postpones the wedding. I don't want to have relationship with dad or her. They are trying to force it. It got quiet after that but being told by so many people from my dad's side I am an AH did leave me conflicted but I am sticking to my guns. So AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
NTA. Your dad cheated on your mom while she was dying, and now the whole family is upset you’ve calmly expressed how you feel about it by cutting your dad out and not attending the wedding. Your aunt also violated your trust by giving your contact information out without your consent. I’d say cut the whole family out at this point.
That certainly would be the mature response. It is much kinder than going to the wedding and when they ask if anyone objects, calmly explaining why you object to their behavior. OP, there is no statute of limitations on feelings. You are allowed to decide how you feel for as long as you want to feel that way.
NTA. Tell your father you are treating him like he treated your dying mother. Block everyone who tries to tell you how to feel. Move on and don't look back.
A month later, the OP returned with an update.
First I want to thank all who commented on the first post and all who messaged me. It really helped me stick with my decision to not go to the wedding. I wanted to update earlier but its been pretty hectic with work.
So, after the many texts and calls from multiple family members, I sent a text to all the numbers detailing what dad did and why I choose to be no contact with him. I then blocked all the numbers.
I have changed my number but kept the old number in a separate phone to collect evidence if they start to harass me from random numbers. But luckily nothing happened and I thought that was that.
A week or so after that, my aunt's fiancé came to my apartment. He knows what time I get off work and was waiting for me in the parking lot. I was apprehensive but he assured me he only wanted to talk. And according to him the text I sent has caused a nightmare in that family.
He told me that some of the cousins who did not know what happened in the past started to question dad and affair partner and they started to get defensive and deny it but someone revealed that it was true.
This has caused a massive argument within the family with some cousins pulling out of the wedding. Dad wanted to postpone the wedding so he can talk to me but the affair partner threatened to leave him if he did that.
The news of what dad and affair partner did also reached some of their friends who were at one point friends of my mom as well. Some of them has also pulled out of the wedding and this caused the affair partner to have a breakdown and started banning anyone who brings it up, family members included from the wedding.
According to aunt's fiancé she is blaming this all on me, says I did this intentionally. I laughed at that. The wedding is still somehow happening. I asked him about my aunt and how all this started and he said all he knows is that there was a conversation of how bad the family would look if I wasn't at the wedding and that my aunt offered to call me.
He said that he disagreed but she did it anyway. He said that he is only here because he felt I needed to know what happened. I thanked him but said I will be going completely no contact with her and by extension him as well. He agreed, wished me well and left.
I am not going to lie and say I am completely ok. I miss my aunt. I miss my mom. But I know what I did was the right thing. I am currently staying with my girlfriend and she has been cheering me up by coming up with absurd ways to ruin the wedding.
As a lot of you said, I should try therapy and I am going to take that advice. Some of the comments has made me realize that I have bottled up a lot of grief and anger. I am super nervous about it but I also feel it'll do me good. So, once again, thank you for all your comments and advice. Ciao.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's first update:
NTA "...she has been cheering me up by coming up with absurd ways to ruin the wedding." I can't think of anything that has been more effective than your going public in the way that you did.
Eventually, things will calm down. You might consider reaching out to the family, once they knew what had happened, defended your choice of not going to the wedding. They're the ones who sought out the truth and remained loyal to you.
Lmfao it is ironic how she blames this on you. Lol honey if you didn‘t want people to find out you shouldn‘t have had an affair with a married man. It is as simple as that. But people like her are just dumb and delusional. I hope you have a nice life with your gf.
NTA. They literally effed around and found out. Your Aunt put you in a no win situation and that's on her, not you. Of course you're not completely ok. Your family seem like they are all AH's. I'm so pleased you have a great supportive girlfriend and that you are seeking therapy. You will get through this and then you hold your head high and live your best life!
A full year later, the OP returned with their final update.
I don’t know if I’m doing this right, but I logged in today and saw a lot of messages asking me what happened and how I’m doing. I wasn’t sure if I should write this or if anyone would even see it because I don't know if I am doing it write, but here it goes.
For everyone asking what happened at the wedding, I don’t know much. All I know is that they got married. No one from that family contacted since then, and I didn’t go asking around either. I am at peace with it. As for me, things are different now.
First, I want to thank everyone who reached out and asked how I’ve been holding up. Your kindness means more than I can put into words. I’m getting better, slowly though the journey hasn’t been easy. A lot has changed since my last update.
I’m single now and have moved to a new city. My ex, who I’ll call Mia, and I separated about 4 months after my last post. We celebrated two years together in March and talked about our future. But I was a mess.
Therapy started well, but I quickly realized just how many unresolved issues I had bottled up from losing my mom. I was struggling emotionally, crying at random, worrying for some fucked up thoughts that I might somehow turn into my dad, and spiraling with fears I couldn’t control.
Mia had dreams of marriage and kids, and I knew I wasn’t in the right place to give her the future she deserved. It would have been very selfish of me to ask her to stay until I got better. We had a long, honest talk, lots of tears and ultimately decided to part ways.
It wasn’t easy, but it was the best decision for both of us. Mia and I still cared for each other deeply, and she, along with my friends, checked on me every day after the breakup. I wasn’t left to face things alone, and for that, I’m so grateful.
In July, I was offered the chance to move to the head office of my company in another city. After discussing it with my therapist, I decided it would be a good opportunity to change my surroundings and start fresh.
In September, I made the move. My best friend used 25 days of his 30-day holiday to help me pack, move, and settle in. I can’t overstate how much that meant to me, I have incredible friends.
Since then, I’ve been taking things one day at a time. The new office has been amazing. Everyone was so welcoming, which was a big relief since I’d been anxious about starting over somewhere new. I now attend online therapy sessions twice a week and grief counseling in person here. It’s been helping a lot.
I’m in a much better headspace than I was before, though I still don’t feel ready to date again. For now, I’m focusing on my career and on continuing to heal. Once again, thank you to everyone who has supported me, whether through messages or just by caring enough to check in. It means the world. Ciao.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final update:
Poor OP, got understandably messed up over their fathers idiotic decisions, glad to hear theyre doing better,
That whole family has some idiotic ideas. OP was told that it’s “his duty to take care of his father” and “future kids would want their grandfather in their life”. But this reasoning does not apply the father, who made a marital OATH to take care of his wife? And who was also gone on “business trips” with AP, and absent from his own teenage son’s life? That’s some kind of disconnected BS.
Man poor OP. I really don't understand the aunt, she saw what the behaviour of the dad did to OP and decided to break his trust anyways...