"AITA for not having an opinion?"
For the second time today, husband and I got into an argument about my saying I don't have input into something only he uses. The first instance: he has cameras outside the house, front, back and side. He keeps two tablets running 24/7 on which he monitors the cameras. He cleaned the lens on one of them, then asked me if the view was alright.
I said I didn't have a problem with it, but he's the one who watches them; the decision should be his. He gets upset, says "I don't know why I bother!" among other things. I categorically do not look at the cameras, he uses them to spy on the neighbors, although he'd never admit that.
Second instance: Several days ago, his keyboard stopped working. He messed with it a while, then asked if I would take a look. I spent >30 minutes trying to fix it with 0 results. He asked me to order a new one, so I did. Yesterday, it dawned on me, we should have changed the batteries in the keyboard; I told him, he changed them and behold! the keyboard works!
Today he asked me if we should return the new keyboard when it arrives. I said, do you want to keep using the one you've got, or just use the new one. He gets mad and said, "That's why I'm asking you!" I told him, I'm not the one using it, does he want to use the new one or not? He gets even angrier and said, "If YOU had changed the batteries in this one, we wouldn't have this problem!"
What?!? Oh, hell no! I asked him why didn't he think about it and he said because I should have done it to begin with, that I should have known ! I was hot, and said, "So, every time you ask me about something, I should know everything 100%, do everything correctly and know beforehand what's going on?" He had the balls to reply, YES.
That's when I told him he was full of crap. To which he replied, "Then I'll never ask you to do anything for me again." I said, fine. That will last a day or two, if I'm lucky. AITA for putting the onus on him, when he is the only one affected?
ETA: When he said he'd never ask for anything again? Lasted 45 minutes.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
availablewhereas8832 wrote:
Y'all have bigger problems then your lack of opinion on the cleanliness of a camera lens and batteries in a wireless keyboard.
I would suggest couples therapy. ESH because neither of you two know how to communicate.
OP responded:
I know how to communicate. He doesn't know how to listen. He treats everyone, including me, like he's still a Sgt. Major in the army.
I'm no soldier.
Bitter_Youth6114 wrote:
You both suck a bit imo, him for growing his desperation for your input into unreasonable territory and you for not navigating it with some grace. I understand your disinterest and frustration, but it sure sounds like you're dismissive to something he clearly feels strongly about.
I don't know your dynamic so its difficult to say where the line is, but surely if you care about your husband you can both communicate your needs and expectations a bit better. This kind of mismatched energy doesn't spawn out of nowhere.
Think about what would his reaction be if you kept badgering him for input on things he doesn't care about. Would he make the effort to acknowledge your requests or would he be dismissive and sick of you asking as well? This is a genuine question and would be very telling.
I'm not defending him in any case, it's crappy that he expects you to decide and predict whatever goes on in his projects, but it sure sounds like he doesn't have anyone else to talk to about his gadgets so your constant turning down brings along emotional outbursts like that 🤷♀️
Having said that you're absolutely not required to compensate for his lack of friends (if thats the case), but as his spouse you should have some interest in finding out why he's acting like this.
OP responded:
For the first 10 years of our relationship/marriage, I was a yes person. Never argued with him, never spoke my mind, never showed anything negative to his treatment of me. Well, that got old. I've been beat down all my life and I decided I wasn't going to be anymore.
"Would he make the effort to acknowledge your requests or would he be dismissive and sick of you asking as well?"
I'm not dismissive. I constantly give him my time and consideration. I don't ask him for anything. Like I told another commenter: he expects me to act like a good little soldier, with 'yessir' being the only answer he interested in. It took me a while to figure that one out. I'm just not going to put up with it for the remainder of our marriage.
SafetyFluid8535 wrote:
NTA but the problem isn't you not caring about something entire your husband's, the problem is your husband not doing anything - he could have ordered a new keyboard, tried the batteries, and also decide what to do with the other keyboard. He's acting like a 12-year-old saying "idk" and asking for help so he doesn't have to spend any mental energy or effort.
Which also puts the camera thing into context - sounds like it's one of the few things he does around the house that HE sees as being for the "family" or "household", having cameras for "security". So then he wants praise and credit for maintaining it. Sounds like you adopted a kid instead of marrying a partner.
Casual_Lore wrote:
ESH. Obviously your husband is a turnip. However, you are also an asshole, to yourself, for your lack of boundaries. You chose to work on that keyboard and continue staying with someone who doesn't take accountability for his actions or emotions. Find a couples therapist and the next time he asks, say NO.
Jezza-T wrote:
NTA. People who can't commit to a decision are very frustrating. Your husband clearly can't commit to a decision. People like this want someone else to take that responsibility that way when it goes wrong they can blame them. If you aren't using it, why would it matter to you?