'AITA for not having good answers for my newly discovered adult kids?'
"AITA for not having good answers for my newly discovered adult kids?"
In October of last year I learned I had fathered two kids when I was a teenager. DNA confirmed this in December of last year. I had no idea I had other kids, other than the kids I'm raising with my wife, out there. Their mother and I met when I was 18.
She was visiting my friends family for a month both those summers and we hooked up. I wore condoms every time but I clearly effed it up somewhere. She didn't tell me anything about having a kid when she came back. Neither did my friend. My friend only found out she had kids a few years ago.
When my adult kids found me they had come after a long search. They'd DNA tested a few other guys and it took years for their mom to tell them about me. When they reached out to me they told me they had a lot of questions and I didn't have good answers for them. Not before or after the DNA test. All I could ever tell them was I had no idea they existed.
They didn't believe me. They told me there was no way I knocked their mom up twice and didn't know either time. I explained everything to them. How she was someone I only met that first summer and how I didn't speak to her in between both summers.
I told them I heard nothing from her after she left the second time. They pushed for me to know more, they had questions about why I didn't save for them, write to them, fight for them.
They refuse to accept that I didn't know and they're mad at my lack of good answers.
They told me I needed to do better for them. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
These are questions they need to be asking their mom.
Enough-Series6911 (OP)
They won't talk to her about it because she lied to them repeatedly.
You told them the truth it is on them to believe you or not. Why they don't believe you but seem to believe the mom who has lied multiple times to them. To me your reasoning sounds likely especially if she never mentioned the first baby the second summer she was around.
Why would you think she had a baby the second time you seen her If she didn't mention it? How were you to know? You can't be involved in lives you know nothing about.
Enough-Series6911 (OP)
My only guess is because some of the others they tested knew there was a chance they had fathered one or both of them so they wanted to believe I would've known.
Get your own DNA test. Sounds goofy as hell.
NTA. These two, if yours, may have just become heirs to your estate depending on where you live. You might want to see n estate lawyer. Good luck to you. But as some others have said, get your own testing done. The whole " why didn't you save for us" speaks of a cash grab.
NTA A friends son went through this recently. He had a “summer of love” with a young lady and they never got back together after. Fast forward 18 yrs and he finds out he has a daughter. Her mother decided to raise her alone and not involve him.
Their mom needs to be confronted about it. She needs to prove to them you knew otherwise your statement stands as truth. If they can’t accept it then block and move on. They are wasting your time calling you the liar.
NTA I would put it as plainly as possible by asking questions and then directly referencing the answers. "How long did it take you to find me? Was your mother helpful or did she actively make it difficult to track me down? Based on how difficult she made it for you to find me, is it really that difficult to believe that she left me in the dark?"
This is going to sound really harsh. But tough luck to the kids. If you didn’t know, you didn’t know. There’s no reason you should feel bad in the slightest. There’s nothing you can do, so don’t feel bad. It’s not on you to convince these kids that you’re telling the truth.
It’d be like if somehow the three children that have been conceived from my sperm I donated 20 years ago came and asked me the same questions. Id be happy to chat with them but I wouldn’t feel like I “owe” them anything. NTA.
NTA. You’ve given them the only information you have and I don’t see what else you can do. No matter how they feel about their mom, she’s the only available source of the information they’re seeking. Also, they are adults and I can’t think of anything more you owe them. Sad situation and I wish their mom had handled it more responsibly.
Hmm I’d be questioning whether she became purposefully pregnant for at least one of those times and maybe that’s the question you ought to be asking, not that it’s going to change anything. You can’t make your kids believe you, you can only decide what sort of relationship you want with them going forwards.
"They told me there was no way I knocked their mom up twice and didn't know either time."
Does seem a bit odd she managed to hide a whole child when you saw her the second time. And conveniently had another accident.
You should get your own tests done. The children must have confirmed they're full siblings and have the same father? But this all seems so improbable. As in, that they've been lied to again.
NTA. Can you call the family friend in to back you up? I get why they’re confused that it happened twice but they know their mother is a manipulative liar so it’s not that much of a stretch that she hid it from you and it sounds like she got around so no one put it together you were the dad right away.