'AITA for not having my wife buried next to her long deceased husband as my stepson desired?'
"AITA for not having my wife buried next to her long deceased husband as my stepson desired?"
UnderstandingOwn31
My wife died three months ago suddenly after 9 years of marriage. I was in charge of her funeral arrangements. We had one daughter together (f8) and her two kids from her previous marriage (m16 and f14) that I adopted.
I had discussed her burial spot with my stepchildren and told them I wanted her buried in my family plot where I intend to be buried one day. My stepson said she would’ve wanted to be buried next to his biological father and her previous husband who died 12 years ago.
My stepdaughter said she didn’t care either way. I didn’t want to disagree with my stepson on something like this so I looked into the cemetery where her previous husband was buried but found out there’s only one adjoining plot next to his grave and no plot adjoining the adjoining plot, meaning that I can’t be buried there one day.
I told this to my stepson, that I can’t bear to not one day be laid to rest beside her. I know she loved her previous husband deeply, but she loved me as well. And I’ve only ever loved her and only ever will.
He didn’t agree and said she had always hoped to be reunited with her previous husband. We were at complete loggerheads over this but in the end it was my call and I made it. He was so upset with me and still is. He earlier said he needed time to get past this and now says he needs me to apologize.
My stepdaughter thinks we shouldn’t be having this fight because it doesn’t matter what happens to anyone’s body once they die. I want to apologize to him but I don’t think I’ll mean it. Even now I think it would’ve pained my heart so much if I’d listened to him.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Phoenix612
Info - why didn’t you consider cremation and splitting the remains so you and your stepson both have your wishes granted?
RelevantSchool1586
NAH. There's no right answer to this, but in the end, OP is the adult and it's up to him to make this kind of decisions. For what its worth, the stepdaughter seems the most reasonable one in the whole family.
Runtyyy
Completely agree that there are no right answers on this one, however as a parent myself (granted not in the same position of having to deal with this issue) I am somewhat surprised he chose his own wishes over that of his son when they were at such a critical impasse.
In situations such as this, I would think most parents would acquiesce to their child because parenting requires sacrifice. Really should have cremated and split the ashes and avoided all these hurt feelings.
hellogoodcapn
What happens when you remarry and die and your new wife doesn't want to bury you next to your first wife, where does this madness end?
teyyannn
Yeah. He’s convinced that he’ll never love again. I’m sure his wife thought the same thing right after her first husband died. It makes me so mad for this kid that OP didn’t even try to compromise. Yes he’s the adult in the situation, act like it.
And no, throwing authority around because you have it is not being the adult in the situation. Being the adult would have been a simple google search to see what other options were available.
Considering he mentions going to the other cemetery but not asking them questions beyond available plots tells me he didn’t ask anything about the possibility of multiple people on the same plot. He didn’t consider what happens in the event he remarries.
There are some people that truly never remarry after being widowed but clearly many do and you can’t know which you will be until you either find love again or die. I have no feelings in it and I truly hate OP and those defending his actions. I can’t imagine the kid will get over this easily.
Mermaid467
Dear Everyone: Write This Down. If you have wishes about this kind of thing, where you'll be buried, etc, WRITE IT DOWN!
Trick_Delivery4609
NAH. I'm so sorry for all of your devastating losses. Apologize and try to make it right with him. See about cremation and burying half with each? See if you can move prev husband location to new area if stepson says ok and you can afford it?
Buy enough plots for all now? Plant a memorial garden in his parents honor? Ask him how you can make it up to him. His mom/ your love of your life would be WAY more concerned about the relationship than where she was buried.
Leading-Knowledge712
Have you considered that she could be buried next to her first husband and after your death, you could be cremated and the ashes buried in the same plot? That is what my husband’s family did when his stepdad died and there was no room for another grave in the family plot.
The cemetery was willing to put a flat marker where his ashes were buried since the plot already had a tombstone for my husband’s mom. His dad is also buried in the family plot, but when the plots were purchased, the family hadn’t taken into account that his mom might remarry after his dad’s death.
Villain-in-Training
NAH. This was probably a topic which should have been discussed, but simply wasn't. Having to make those decisions while you're still in shock always leaves room for mistakes.
But I think you should apologize to your stepson. He lost both of his biological parents while still being a child. This is a lot to process and sometimes being angry is a well needed break from the everyday sadness. Maybe you can suggest to him to add his mother's name to the headstone on his father's grave. This could be a compromise that could help him cope better.