'AITA for not having my sister come on the bachelorette party when she was a bridesmaid?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for not having my sister come on the bachelorette party when she was a bridesmaid?"

I (31F) had my sister (23F) in my wedding party back in 2017. When my husb & I were getting things in order for choosing people to have in our bridal party I contacted my sister (16 at the time) about being part of it as we are very close. I explained that I would like for her to be a bridesmaid & not the MOH only due to how young she was & not wanting to stress her out in anyway (emotional or financial).

I made sure she was okay with this before contacting the others I wanted to be in the bridal party. My MOH planned a bachelorette party for me with a nice dinner, followed by an escape room & a private room at a karaoke bar. She had already reserved the room at the bar & if she cancelled she would not have gotten part of her money back.

Another thing to understand is all of my bridesmaid except my sister were in the same location; my sister was 2 hours away. After being told about the plan I called my sister & explained it to her. I said she could come up & stay in the spare room at my apartment, but would not be able to go to the bar because of her age.

I gave her the option of either doing that OR I come down one weekend & we go on a girl's trip to wherever on my dime. She chose the latter saying she understood & was okay with the arrangement. I had the bachelorette party & it was a blast. True to my word I went down the next month & my sister & I went out of town to go shopping & spend the weekend together.

Fast forward to late last year when my sister got engaged to the sweetest guy. I was ecstatic for them & proud of the woman my sister had become. I got the invite to be part of the bridesmaid party, which I was honored by, but she did not have me be the MOH. This honestly did not bother me as she is entitled to having whoever she wants in the party & the role they play.

About a month ago I got some pictures from my mom of my sister & her other bridesmaids. She told me that I missed a great bachelorette party & that it was upsetting I couldn't come because of work commitments. I told her I had no idea what she was talking about.

I was informed that my sister had told our parents that I declined to come to the bachelorette party because I was traveling for work. I called my sister & asked why she didn't tell me about the bachelorette party & lied to our parents. She said that it was to put me in my place for not changing my bachelorette party plans to be able to include her & for not making her MOH at my wedding.

I was shocked. I thought that we had gotten passed this & she had been ok with all the choices & accommodations, but apparently she had been deeply hurt about her not being my MOH & including her at the bachelorette party.

So, internet, AITA for not having my sister as my MOH & not having my actual MOH change the bachelorette party plans so she could attend the whole thing? I understand it is in the past & it can't be changed, but now I feel incredibly guilty for not choosing her as the MOH & changing the party plans at that time.

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

Specialist_Owl2660 wrote:

OMG, NTA and WTF. Unless you lied and she was upset in the past about both then how in the heck would you have known she was upset? And lets say you are lying (again I am thinking your not) and she was upset this was over 8 years ago! Who in the heck has a loving relationship with there sister and waits 8 years to "get them back?"

What a terrible and awful think to do. You may be proud of the woman she has become but I hope she has some redeeming qualities because I don't see a adult I see a bratty spoiled seven-year-old throwing a tantrum with a wedding veil on.

OP responded:

I won't lie she can be very bratty at times and hold a grudge like no one I have ever seen, but I promise she has many redeeming qualities. This is seen in the fact that her fiance wants to marry her. I don't want to degrade her character as this post is not what that is about.

I just needed confirmation if I was an AH back then and should apologize now. It wouldn't change the past, but if I was in the wrong I want to at least apologize for the part I played.

HistoricalInaccurate wrote:

NTA - Instead of acting like an adult and talking to you. She was petty and childish. Let you parents know exactly what she did and depending on how you feel, stepping back from being a part of the bridal party may be the way to go.

OP responded:

Thanks for the suggestion, but I am going to leave my parents out of this situation. It is between her and I, and in any case I'm not upset about not being included, just that she lied.

I'm not even upset she tried to get revenge because I am sure it will come back around some day whether it is through regrets or something else. I just was concerned about my actions in the past being an AH move and if I should apologize.

SpeechIII6025 wrote:

NTA. Your sister sure can hold a grudge! To be clear, she had the option of coming for dinner and the escape room? But instead opted for you to visit her?

It was unrealistic of her to expect your whole bachelorette to center around a teenager. I’m surprised she doesn’t get that now as an adult/bride.

OP responded:

Thanks for the insight and questions. She did have the option to come to the dinner and escape room, but chose the option I offered of coming to her and spending the weekend with her. It was on my dime in the sense of I paid for the gas to get to where we went and I paid for some of the activities that were not as expensive (go carting, mini golf, etc) and I paid for our dinner.

Anything she wanted to buy when we were shopping was on her. I doesn't surprise me that she held a grudge this long as there are some friends she still doesn't talk to because of petty things that happened in middle/high school.

She is the youngest in our family and has been the princess, things being changed to accommodate her schedule so it is probably a mentality thing? She always was favored by our parents when setting up holidays and I was expected to alter my work plans.

To be fair I never argued about it, just did it to keep the peace, but that is probably where she got this engrained mentality. I'm not trying to rag on her because whatever, I wasn't included. That's on her and she will probably regret it one day, but I need to know if I was the AH back then to understand if I should be apologizing now.

No-Macaron-6048 wrote:

NTA. That’s such a rude thing to say. “Put you in your place.” I was a bridesmaid for my cousin and was the only one not old enough to bar hop with her at her bachelorette party. So while she was partying with her friends and celebrating I was in a hotel by myself. I truly did not care and to this day, still don’t. She should’ve said something years ago, not revenge plot it.

OP responded:

True it is a character flaw on her end. She holds things in and doesn't say what she really feels, even with those closest to her. I think she held it in at that time as to not rock the boat but it is silly she held onto it all this time. I just wanted to verify that what I did was not an AH move.

fancyandfab wrote:

Does she smoke cr#$k? Or is she just vengeful and crazy. These 2 situations are so completely different. You were around the age that she is now. She was 16! She might not have even had her licensee yet. It's ridiculous that she thinks you should've completely changed your bach for her. And, even more ridiculous that 7 years later she's worried about "revenge." NTA.

OP responded:

Thanks! No she doesn't do any of that and is not crazy (as far as I know). She just is insanely good at holding grudges. Like in previous comments, I just wanted to know if I was an AH at that time and if I need to apologize for any part I played in being an AH.

ComprehensiveArm9751 wrote:

NTA. I don't understand how she expect you to give all responsibility to a minor ? She cannot drink, barely drive and have no money or dime to her name to organise or arrange anything.

The fact she had to hide and lie to you to punish, shows she's still very immature. And maybe you were right to not give her that responsibility. In my honest opinion, there is nothing you can do that can make her not see the victim in this situation. She feels she was wronged and now has got her revenge.

Well congratulations to her.

Anything you say to her, she's going to make it about you creating drama on her big day. I suggest you either just steer clear, let her have her day and accept she doesn't want your involvement

Or you can talk about the situation and have a 3rd neutral party medicating the situation. Or come to a the wedding as a guest with a fabulous dress and have a fun time with your husband. Give her a wedding gift of champagne and say congratulations you can have it now 😀

OP responded:

Lol I love the ideas, but I'll probably go with the first option and just ride it out. I'm a huge person who thinks that things work themselves out and your regrets will catch up to you. I'm not going to make a big deal out of her not including me in her party, whatever she just won't have memories of us together on that day, but I will probably address her issues with letting things go.

This is a pattern for her behavior and something that almost ended my marriage before we worked through it with A LOT of counseling. I don't want her relationship to break because of an immature trait like this when she has grown in a lot of areas.

Two weeks later, OP shared a major update.

Clarifying Points: Timeline: Party was a month ago, but pictures from her friend that does photography had just gotten back to my sister who sent them to our mother a week later. I did not get my parents involved any further than they already were.

They could address the issue of being lied to on their own. I did not drop out of the wedding party as it would have put her in a bind (wedding was this past weekend). Despite what she did, I did not see a reason to put her through that kind of stress and further exacerbate the problem.

Onto the update: Fake names used

The weekend after posting the original post I got lunch with my sister (Emily) and her fiance (Cooper); my husband had to work.

I first asked what she remembered about the situation around my bachelorette party because I thought I might have forgot or misremembered something. Emily confirmed everything I had remembered & explained she was agreeable to the arrangements back then. I asked why years later she felt she needed to get revenge when she had been okay with the agreements back then.

Turns out Emily never had a years long grudge against me, it happened out of jealousy. Her MOH (Katie) had her wedding last year where her MOH was her older sister & later this year Katie's sister was to be married with Katie as her MOH.

Katie romanticized how it was so sweet that her sister & her could have such a special connection by being MOH for each other. Katie talked it up so much it got to Emily & made her resent we couldn't have the same thing because of what I did years ago with not having her be MOH.

(She did not have me be MOH because she had a strong connection with Katie, fair enough) I validated her feelings, but explained that just because she was jealous of something she couldn't retroactively take back her agreement from the past if it was truly acceptable to her at that time.

I told Emily that I would not drop out of the wedding party, but in exchange I requested we needed to see a family therapist as I couldn't trust that there were not other situations in which she would act out like this & we needed to explore it together.

Cooper then requested Emily to either go to therapy or do couples therapy because she had not only lied to him like the rest of our family, but he saw it as a red flag that she got so jealous of someone else's happiness to cause this much pain to her own sister. There were a lot of tears on her part (& maybe mine) but I think we will get through this.

Some of you pointed out that my actions may be coddling her & to cut her out, but since this was the first time she did it to me I wanted to give her a chance at redemption. Emily & Cooper are off on their honeymoon. Emily & I have our first therapy session in 3 weeks & she will be starting individual therapy at the request of her husband.

The comments kept coming.

ItalianLady169 wrote:

I am certain people lie all the time. I work in security and I know a couple who lied to my face. But I don't tell them to go to therapy. That is the difference between my generation and now. The lies said the betrayal made us stronger. While the generation needs therapy to seek why they lied and betrayed. Move on with life don't trust them like you have in the past. Just move on.

njbelle_1029 wrote:

Your sister is wildly emotionally immature, not too surprising given her age. Cutting people off is the Reddit way. Trying to help your sister learn to repair her own damage and try to create the bond with you that she envy’s her friend having is the right step. Especially in a relationship that hasn’t had this type of historical behavior.

MaxSpringPuma wrote:

It goes to show how immature she is that she still can't she how much the age difference plays a part here. At the age of 23, she's acting less mature than she did at 16.

CPSue wrote:

You handled this beautifully, with love and understanding, but also with firm boundaries. Cooper is a rock star, holding her accountable.