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'AITA for not helping my daughter to save her house?' 'Our credit score took a hit.'

'AITA for not helping my daughter to save her house?' 'Our credit score took a hit.'

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"AITA for not helping my daughter to save her house?"

A few years ago my husband and I were proud to co-sign for our daughter (27 female) to help her buy her first house. We were happy to help and despite not having a lot of money ourselves we bought her a washer and drier for her new home.

I called to check in with her regularly and see how things were going and if she needed anything. I know she changed jobs mid year and I wanted to make sure she'd still be ok financially. She assured me she was good and everything was fine.

We started noticing inconsistencies around Christmas when our credit score took a hit due to 2 late payments on her house. Our daughter told us it was a mixup with the bank since a new bank took over her mortgage and she would sort it out. A few months later it still had not been corrected so I called our daughter again.

Something seemed off so I called the bank since my name was on the loan and found out my daughter was 6 months behind on the mortgage. When confronted she said the new job wasn't working out so she quit back in December and hadn't been able to find a new job.

I thought this was strange since we taught her not to quit a job until you have a new one in place to be responsible. I also asked her why she hadn't come to us and she said she was embarrassed.

We gave her some leads on new jobs because we couldn't afford to pay the full amount she owed on the house at this point and suggested she get a roommate and if she could get those things done we would see what we could do.

It was a couple of months before she found a job (I don't think she even looked into the leads we gave her), but still had no roommate to help with the bills. At this point we found out from her grandfather that she had taken a large sum of money from him during that first year (over 20k) and had just asked him for more but he said he was sorry and he didn't have more to give.

We still have no idea what she did with any of the money and she never told us about this. Our daughter continued lying to us about paying the bills and has not done anything to help herself or save her home.

The mortgage company said they sent her documents for a hardship extension which she never returned. We finally made the decision to not take money out of our retirement (which was our only option since our credit scores were now in the toilet because of this and we can't get a loan) to save the house.

This was not an easy decision to make, but we made it mostly because she had not tried to help herself at all and lied to us over and over again for more than a year. We told her she could come stay with us until she could get back on her feet.

She not only declined but stopped talking to us not long after. This was not an easy decision but if we had saved her house we likely would've lost our own. Are we the aholes?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Shichimi88 said:

Nta. Save your own credit. Your daughter is being dodgy. Where did the 20k from grandfather go? She should be returning that instead of asking for more. She is ruining your credit and dragging you down with her through her irresponsible actions. You need to find out what the hell she’s been up to that’s dragging the whole family down and put a stop to it.

bamf1701 said:

NTA. Your daughter is an adult. If she needed help, she should have been honest with you (which she should have been form the start, since you were affected by this because of the co-sign).

Instead, she has been dodgy and outright lied to you about her situation, besides the fact that she has not taken the actions she could take to help herself. There comes a point where you need to let her face the consequences of her own actions.

shoshpd said:

NTA. Like some others, I think it sounds like your daughter might be dealing with a mental health or substance use issue or both. She could have been fired because of the effect it was having on her work.

And she might very well be in a shame spiral. I think the best thing you can do right now is make sure she knows you love her unconditionally and want her to be safe and healthy. That doesn’t mean you just give her money (definitely don’t do that), but make sure she knows she isn’t alone and that you are there to help.

PlasticLab3306 said:

NTA. Millions of people out there just praying and wishing for a foot up the property ladder, this person gets it handed to her and she throws it down the drain. Such a shame!

minimalist_coach said:

NTA. The only mistake you made was co-signing the loan. I’m sorry your credit score is going to take a huge hit for your generosity. Money doesn’t fix money problems. Throwing more money at the situation will only put your finances at risk.

SecretScavenger36 said:

NTA but please keep in mind it will continue to hit your credit. It will hurt your chances to buy any home of your own or even rent. You should talk to an expert about what you can do to protect yourself from further damages.

Everyone was on OP's side for this one. What's your advice for this family situation?

Sources: Reddit
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