'AITA for not helping my husband repair his relationship with our daughter after he excluded her from a 'guys only trip'?'
"AITA for not helping my husband repair his relationship with our daughter after he excluded her from a 'guys only trip'?"
You can read some of the details if you go through my post history. Essentially, my husband has decided he wants to have a "guys only" trip this summer with my son (13 M) and nephew (12 M).
My daughter (11 F) is a tomboy who is into sports and fishing and extremely close with her brother and dad, and the three of them often spent a lot of time together. My husband and I discussed this and I insisted my daughter be included.
But, he mentioned that he really wants this time with his son and nephew, without any women present. I eventually gave in on the boys only trip, but warned him that our daughter would be hurt, and it was up to him entirely to fix it. He promised me he would.
Ever since my husband told her she couldn’t go, my daughter’s behavior has changed. She no longer hangs out with her brother playing video games, and she has been extremely distant with my husband.
Just this past week, during the Super Bowl, while my son and husband were watching the game, my daughter was tucked away in her room. Watching the Super Bowl together has always been a tradition for the three of them to do together (I'm not into sports ball), but this year, my daughter didn’t join them.
I asked her if she was okay, and she gave a "yeah" and continued reading a book. My husband noticed this behavior and tried to cheer her up by telling her he would plan something really cool, just the two of them, but our daughter told him she didn’t want to do anything.
A couple days later, my daughter needed to be picked up early from school for a dentist appointment. My husband said he would pick her up, but she texted me, asking, “Please, mom, can you pick me up and bring me?” My daughter also has been getting the school bus in the morning instead of catching a ride with my husband and son, which she typically does.
Now my husband has been complaining to me about our daughter, saying he’s done everything to make it up to her and that I need to step in. I told him she would be hurt by him excluding her from the trip, and it’s entirely his fault she’s icing him out.
He says we should be a team and try to fix this together, but he’s the one who caused this hurt, so it shouldn’t be on me to fix it. It’s starting to affect our relationship now, too. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
I think my response to your husband would be:
“I did try to fix it when I told you not to exclude her.”
"We were a team when I was suggesting ways to avoid this situation. You decided to make a decision on your own. So deal with the consequences on your own."
Plus it doesn't sound like he's done anything. Oh he said they'd do something cool, that's nothing, didn't even bother to find something cool before mentioning it.
Nta, you told him she’d be upset, he knew she’d be upset. It wasn’t a team decision to not include her. Why should it be a team effort to fix it.
It’s really too bad that your husband did not listen to your advice. Sometimes stuff like this is a turning point in a father daughter relationship and there is no coming back from it. It’s like your eyes have been open to something and you can’t ever unsee it.
There really isn’t anything YOU can do to fix it, you can support his ideas and efforts to a point, but you also need to validate her rights to feel how she feels. If i were you, i would have a conversation with your husband away from either the boys or your daughter. It’s really his work and if your daughter thinks you are doing the work she wont even accept his efforts to build the bridge.
"I think in her eyes he prioritized the boys and does not value her as much, so she is feeling 'less than'. - maybe i am wrong."
Even worse. She experienced her first real "being rejected because of being a female" so plain sexism. And it was not some random immature dude telling her "girls can't..." It was her own dad.
Every single woman in the world undoubtedly will face sexism at some point in their lives. Their learning experience in that should never come from their parents :(
I'd ask my husband when he decided to destroy his relationship with his daughter it was a solo decision so why is it now a team effort to repair the damage? I doubt you can do anything to help anyway, he's really hurt her over nothing and now he needs to deal with the fallout.
There is a lot of pain in this thread. I think you should show it to your husband. Not the "your husband is a jerk" ones but the "Dad wouldn't take me to the hockey game and I hated hockey ever since." He is flat telling her she shouldn't enjoy camping. It is for boys.
She is reevaluating her whole place in the world. She loved her dad and is grappling with either her is a bad dad, which she doesn't want to believe, or she is a freak for liking to do guy things. This is not a small thing.
Frankly, you need to also take her aside and tell her flat out, her dad loves her, but he is just a person and he is being an idiot. She needs her mom to tell her, her dad is WRONG to exclude her and she has a right to be angry.