Woman refuses to help care for sister’s child after affair that destroyed her marriage. AITA?
"AITA for not helping my mom raise my sister's child when she could be taken into foster care?"
Quirky-Equipment3269
My sister died last year. We were estranged and I had nothing to do with her in the final years of her life because her child who is now 4 years old and might even be 5 now, was the result of an affair between my sister and my now ex-husband, but he was my husband at the time.
I told my sister once she did that to me she was dead to me and I would never forgive her or want to see her again. I never forgave her and still don't. I have zero regrets now that she's gone either.
I never met her child. I have no interest in being a part of their life, even now. Which means I don't see my mom as much now because she has custody of my sister's child. My ex isn't in the picture and he is supposed to be paying child support but evades it currently.
My mom is struggling. She's not in the best shape after years of physical issues. Money is getting tighter between one thing and another. She has asked me for help several times. Her fear is the child will be taken into foster care if she can no longer cope doing it alone. But I refuse to offer any help.
I told my mom I love her. But I can't be selfless enough to want to help the child. I told her I can't even imagine stepping up given what their birth symbolizes to me. I told her I know that's hard for her to hear but a part of me will always hate her parents.
There will always be a level of disgust I feel toward both my sister (even though she's dead) and my ex for messing around on me and making a kid together. I have a problem that leads to infertility to it was an especially big betrayal for me. And I could never be fair or look beyond that to love the child in question. It wouldn't be fair to them.
And yes, I had therapy and I'm still in therapy. I have done a lot of work on myself where I could move forward. But some things will never be moving forward with me. Like the idea of forgiving them or wanting their child in my life.
My mom can't understand. She can't really understand me not forgiving my sister now that she's dead at the very least. But she can't understand me not wanting anything to do with her child. My mom said she would have loved nieces and nephews.
She's also angry that I would rather see her grandchild go than help. She can't understand how I could live with myself or how I could tell her I'd sleep better with that than having them in my life. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
history_buff_9971
NAH - You're feelings are completely understandable, but so are your mum's. It takes a big person to actually admit their feelings and not pretend for the sake of appearances. I don't think anyone can or should blame you for your feelings. It was the worst of betrayals.
But I also understand your mum's feelings. She loves you and she loved your sister. Loving someone doesn't mean you approve of what they do, and even as I'm sure she was angry with your sister, she would still love her very much, and be hurting from the pain of losing her child.
And she's terrified of losing her grandchild. These are all very understandable feelings for her to have. It is not fair of her to put this on you, it would be one thing if you were willing in any way, but, now you've made it clear that you can not be there for your niece, she needs to make a new plan.
Quirky-Equipment3269 (OP)
Ex does have a family but they were never very good people and I was made aware that they wanted nothing to do with him or the child because he broke marriage vows and they do not condone adultery because of their religious beliefs. But they also don't condone children born out of wedlock either. So none of them would ever step in to take care of the child.
CPS has been in touch with my mom and has been working with her on this. She just doesn't want to tell them she can't do it alone. She doesn't want her grandchild to be adopted out or raised by foster parents.
It's the very thing she's trying to avoid but she has no back up in place if something happens to her. She wants it to be me but it would never happen. She's at least partially aware of that too.
Mother_Search3350
The kindest thing your mom can do for that child is to have him adopted by a family that has no ties to any of you or the circumstances of his birth. Trying to force people who don't want him in their lives to take him is incredibly selfish and cruel on her part. She is not doing what is in his best interests.
RMaua
NTA. It's an awful situation. Your sister and ex husband betrayed you and there was a child as a result. It would not be healthy for you or the child for you to raise her with all the negative feelings you are still working through.
You are doing the best thing both for you and the child by staying out of it. If your mother wants to be upset at someone, it should be the man who betrayed her daughter and abandoned her grandbaby. That's the AH here.
Ok-Status-9627
NTA. Sorry to say, but it sounds like you have too much emotional baggage over this kid's conception to offer a loving home to your nibbling. I hope the therapy continues to help, but I don't think it would be emotionally healthy for either you or the child to enter into a parent/child relationship.