'AITA for not helping some of my family after they exclude us from their celebrations and reunions?'
"AITA for not helping some of my family after they exclude us from their celebrations/reunions?"
Hi, I come from a large family, 9 aunts and uncles, half of which are in the US starting from the 70s and 1/2 stayed in the Middle East. I was born in the US.
When they come for their green cards, vacations, illness/births, we’re always here with our homes open for them.
We have hosted one aunt and her daughters for about a month each year for over 20 years, and one of her daughters lived with us til they established themselves in the US.
We also go down to visit every few years and see them often. Earlier this year, my uncle passed and prior to then, his wife was staying in our home, we took care of her, did all her paperwork, helped find a new job, and when he passed my mom flew out and is still with her comforting her.
It’s been 3 months. Two days ago I find out that over Easter weekend, his daughter, who was very comfortable calling me when I was helping her mom, got all the family that grew up in the Middle East (the kids of three aunts) together for a little reunion and spent the week together.
They went out and explored. Mind you, I just graduated college and waiting to start a job in May, so they know I’m off and alone. I just feel used, like we’re only for the dirty work but in happy occasions we’re forgotten. This has been a pattern with them. Their baby's baptisms, parties -forgotten- even weddings are a last batch invitation.
We’re always here for help in the US, but now that they made it, they built this close knit, closed off circle just for them excluding the US family. Now their mom, my aunt, wants to stay with us in the US til she finds a new home. Probably a year. She doesn’t want to stay with her kids, she says “they’re busy and need to focus on their own lives.” I don’t feel very comfortable hosting her with a clean heart.
I told my mom nope, she should go to her daughters or son. And she agrees. We’re a closed house.
AITA for not agreeing to host/help her?
The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.
Fawnsfable wrote:
NTA. You’re not a hotel with free emotional labor. They remember you when they need help but forget you exist when it’s fun time? Nah. If her own kids are too “busy” to host their own mom, that’s their problem, not yours. You’ve done more than enough. Boundaries = peace.
Blossomm_Breeze responded:
Exactly. You’re not being petty—you’re setting boundaries after being sidelined for years. If they only reach out when they need something, that’s not family, that’s convenience. You have every right to protect your peace and your space.
OP responded:
Yup, it’s especially hurtful seeing them party together on instagram. I have one cousin on insta, the rest blocked us. They even have their facebooks restricted on me and all my cousins. My uncle, here in the US, was pissed like 13 years ago, and asked them what’s up with this, they refuted by saying it’s so petty to bring up social media friendships and they’re above stuff like that and value real relationships more.
So yes, it’s hurtful, and I told my mom when she’s saving her kids the labor and worries and putting it on us, it basically means we’re working for her and her kids, and our education and ambitions are futile.
religionlies2u wrote:
NTA and I have Italian relatives who are the same. They always want to enjoy the fruits of their Americanized family but when it comes to true closeness, they reserve it for those who are still of the old country.
Nice to know most immigrant families with a foot in each world suffer the same disconnect. They’re always happy when you send money back home and assist with paperwork and avoiding a hotel stay, but when it’s your turn to need something?
OP responded:
My mom is visiting cause of the death of her brother in law. We own a house that we keep empty for when we want to go back, just our immediate family. She wanted to go to her house, my aunt begged her to stay with her since she was alone and my mom happily agreed. She’s stayed with her for two months, and then my aunt started getting all irritable and angry.
My mom told her, “I’m going to my own home now, you need your space” she replies “let me get you some bags for your stuff” and grabs some huge black trash bags. My mom got really sad and then told her, “I’m sorry it really breaks my heart to put my stuff in a trash bag.” She packed as much as she can and then bought an extra luggage that night. I think that was hurtful and intended…
Later she went to her house, whom my aunt has keys to, and apparently she had her guests (kids in laws, friends, her maid) stay in the house. When my mom found new toothpaste, she confronted her and asked about a specific person she was suspicious started in the house, and she said “perhaps the maid let him stay for a few days, I’m not sure.”
My mom was irritated that her maid even has the keys, as all my parents personal belongings, pictures, books, are in the house. And in addition, her father’s notebooks from the 1930-50s are all gone. His diary about his time in the army, his family calendar, biblical research, poems, everything.
Famous_Specialist_44 wrote:
NTA. "She doesn’t want to stay with her kids, she says “they’re busy and need to focus on their own lives”."
If she doesn't know how ridiculous that sounds there's no point trying to explain it.
OP responded:
My aunts say it in a way where we all feel like it’s our responsibility to help them and that we can’t leave them. Idk how she does it but we happily host and help.
auntlynnie wrote:
NTA. From what I understand, the people not inviting you to celebrations are in the USA. You're good enough to help them get established in the USA and you're good enough to play host whenever they want a vacation, but not good enough to invite to the parties? Nope.
Also, she has kids. She's their responsibility before she's yours! You just finished college/uni! You don't need a year-long houseguest. I'm glad your mother is on the same page as you.