"AITA for not helping my sister clean up after Thanksgiving?"
I woke up at 6:30 this morning (Thanksgiving) to start cooking for my extended family-turkey, stuffing, gravy, sweet potato casserole, pecan pie and coconut pie, all from scratch with fresh ingredients (no shortcuts). My sister hosted, and she made the ham, green beans, collards, rolls, deviled eggs, and a pumpkin pie.
I definitely did the heaviest lifting, but I had volunteered to do so, as I was originally going to host but our dad was staying at my sister’s place and it was going to be easier to keep him there. When the meal was over this afternoon, my sister announced that the men did not need to help clean up and the women would do it all.
And when I say announced, I mean she made a big production of it. I was dumbfounded. In my household, when I cook, my husband cleans up, and vice versa. So I spoke up and said I spent seven hours cooking today and I would not be spending another two hours in the kitchen washing dishes, but my husband would be happy to do so.
She refused his help and proceeded to clean up entirely by herself. Our other sister was there but she disappeared at clean up as she usually does, as was a niece who didn’t cook anything but has a newborn so didn’t help clean up either.
So my sister cleaned up and washed dishes entirely on her own while the rest of us chatted and visited with each other. I feel guilty, but I am also disgusted by her display of internalized sexism and her expectation that I’d be okay with that B.S. AITA for sticking to my principles and making my sister clean up by herself?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
nancylyn wrote:
INFO. How did you transport the turkey to her house? Was it cold when you got it there? BUT for the question at hand, NTA. Your sister brought this on herself….but the men should have gotten off their butts and gone in there to help.
OP responded:
10 minutes to travel to her place.
originalfeature wrote:
Your comment about how you definitely did the heavy lifting, when she also made six dishes and hosted to boot, is standing out to me. I'm not sure you are a reliable narrator.
OP responded:
I made that comment to emphasize that she spent a couple hours cooking because nothing she made was from scratch (spiral ham with packaged glaze, canned green beans, etc.) so she had the energy to clean up for hours. I did not. But that isn’t even the issue here. I am more annoyed with the misogyny.
Bubbafett33 wrote:
NTA, but your husband is. I've never seen anyone get legitimately angry about someone helping clean up after a meal, and the "no, no, you don't need to help" is standard politeness.
He should have "manned up" (given all the rampant misogyny) and simply helped. I've done this countless times in others' homes, and it can be a bit awkward having to ask where stuff goes or where the Tupperware is, but before long you've got a banter going and time flies by.
The refusal of help goes away quickly. And if the refusal didn't go away, and he did start helping until she physically took away his dish towel and pushed him from the space, you would have mentioned it. So NTA, but your husband and younger sister are AH.
OP responded:
Yes, I was embarrassed he didn’t get up and insist on helping, but then he said the same thing everyone else here is saying—she got what she asked for. I am still of two minds about this.
pooppaysthebills wrote:
ESH. You are free to refuse to help with cleanup. You're not free to volunteer your husband's labor, especially if you know your sister doesn't want him helping.
I understand that you believe you did the "heavy lifting", but your sister cooked plenty while caring for your father, then cleaned up to be presentable for hosting, then hosted, THEN CLEANED. You may have felt guilty, but not enough to ease your sister's burden by assisting.
Your sister may have been trying to prevent your father from "helping", or perhaps wanted the men to keep him occupied so she could have a break from caring for him. Your sister sucks for deciding that the women do the cleanup, but so do you for leaving her to do it alone.
OP responded:
Nah, my sister was not caring for our dad. He arrived with our other sister an hour before dinner.
its-liss wrote:
You’re not the bad guy at all. Your sister set an arbitrary, sexist rule and then doubled down even when you offered a completely reasonable solution. You cooked for seven hours. That’s an insane amount of labor, and in any functional household the person who cooks isn’t also expected to scrub every dish afterward.
She decided to make it a “women do the cleaning” thing, and that’s on her, not you. You gave her an out by offering your husband’s help, she refused it, and then essentially chose to martyr herself in the kitchen.
Feeling a little guilty is normal, but the situation wasn’t created by you. It was created by her choice to enforce outdated gender roles. You didn’t owe her two more hours on your feet just to validate her expectations.
Party-Boat-1131 wrote:
NTA. She got what she volunteered for. As a man, the only problem I see is a room of men saying "Yeah that sounds fine, you cooked and we ate but you clean it all up" and not insisting on helping clean up.
Good on your for refusing that ridiculous offer.
merliahthesiren wrote:
NTA. She f-ed around and found out. She's stupid for making it a gender thing, and was stupid for expecting you to do more work than you already have. Good for you- I can almost guarantee you she won't do that again.
FiveCrows wrote:
NTA. Sis washed up alone because no one was willing to help. Not the other women she’d announced were helping, nor any of the men. Everyone could see she was working alone. That’s not on you. Don’t stress about it.
Virtual-Ad7254 wrote:
Uh oh, you voluntold your husband and he still sat on his arse? As did all the other adults who had not contributed yet! That’s totally on them, not you. Your sister could easily have supervised the troops if she wanted to make sure things got cleaned up her way.
She had the opportunity to be a general and chose to be a private. Shame on her for aiming so low. Double shame on every one else for letting her get away with it.
Kit-the-cat wrote:
Lol and what did the men contribute equal to cooking and cleaning a whole meal? let me guess, absolutely nothing except picking their butts and watching sports 🤣 NTA and you sister brought that work on herself. She needs to look in the mirror if she needs someone to blame.
delicious_angel wrote:
NTA. Isn’t ‘I cook, you clean’ like a universal rule? Also, idk if you have kids but I sure as heck wouldn’t want my son to think this was ok. I’m gonna raise a man who also belongs in the kitchen.
CrazyOldBag wrote:
NTA.
Sister refused help from OP’s husband, so she’s going to be feeling very self-righteous and put-upon. Maybe next year the deal should be made clear from the beginning — if the women cook, the men do the clean-up.