'AITA for not helping my sister financially after she chose have a baby on her own?'
"AITAH for not helping my sister financially after she chose to become a single mom by choice?"
I (31M) have a sister, Dana (35F), who has always dreamed of having a child. She’s been single for most of her life and never found a long term partner. A few years ago, she started seriously considering becoming a mom on her own. She talked about it constantly how she didn’t want to “miss her chance” and how she’d rather do it alone than not at all.
At one point, I encouraged her to do what she wants because we only live once. I helped her look into fertility treatments like IVF, even sent her some clinic recommendations and research articles.
She was incredibly grateful, and after a few months of discussing her options, she decided to go for it. She paid for everything herself I never offered to contribute financially and after multiple expensive IVF rounds, she finally got pregnant a couple of months ago.
The whole family was happy and excited. And honestly, I was too but then it turns out, four IVF cycles drained her savings more than she expected. She’s still doing fine financially, but she’s had to cut back hard no more going out or trips or shopping like she was used to. Now she’s asking for “a little help” from the family so she doesn’t have to sacrifice her comfort during pregnancy.
Our parents are retired and don’t have the means to help, so all eyes turned to me. Here’s the thing: I have a wife and a 5-month-old baby. We live in a modest two-bedroom apartment and are currently saving aggressively to buy a home. We’re not broke we’re doing okay but we’re having hard times like most young families.
So when Dana sat me down and asked if I could regularly help her maintain her lifestyle I told her I couldn’t I didn’t think it was fair to ask me to fund a choice she made completely independently.
She didn’t take it well. She called me cold, selfish, even a hypocrite since I was the one who initially encouraged her to look into IVF. Our parents are also upset, saying I should’ve known what I was getting her into by suggesting it in the first place.
For context: Dana owns her home, it’s larger than mine, and she makes slightly more than I do. She just uncomfortable with the lifestyle changes this pregnancy has forced on her. I did offer support in other ways letting her use my electric car to cut down on fuel costs and inviting her to eat with my family every night so she doesn't have to cook or spend as much on groceries.
She took me up on both, but still says I’m “letting her down.” and to be honest I love my sister. I want her to have the family she’s always dreamed of. But I don’t think that includes becoming her financial backup plan especially when I’m having parenting challenges with less space and a newborn of my own. So AITA for refusing to give her money for a decision she made solo?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
ohhhreallyyyyyy said:
Yea deffo make them boundaries crystal clear. NTA.
Pechebleu said:
You’re not the a$$hole. Supporting her dream doesn’t mean paying for her lifestyle, especially when you’ve got your own baby and bills.
OP responded:
I Appreciate this i’ve been second guessing myself a lot lately
Limp-Paint-7244 said:
Nah. Don't cook for her. Groceries are expensive. And i am guessing it is your wife actually cooking. So. Noooooo. The only thing I would do for her is to set her up with a financial planner. They can teach her how to budget. Sounds like she is doing just fine financially and wants to live a luxury lifestyle on someone else's dime. She can go find a sugar daddy for that
repthe732 said:
NTA. Did she think having a kid wouldn’t require lifestyle changes? Sounds like she isn’t ready to be a mother
Sea-Ground9527 said:
Why wouldn’t she just get an IUI? way less expensive and invasive, especially if there’s no fertility issues. Crazy she went straight to IVF.
But anyway, no, you’re NTA. No offense to your sister, but it’s better she get used to not getting to go on lots of trips and shopping sprees now that she is pregnant because once the baby is here she’s in for a rude awakening. Kids are expensive and parents make constant sacrifices for their kids to live comfortably.
OP responded:
Thanks for clearing things up, I was confused
And MossMyHeart said:
NTA making a suggestion to someone on how they may achieve their goals is not a contract of support. If Dana was your wife and you suggested IVF then yes you would be responsible. But, no you are not responsible for your sister’s baby. Having a child often comes with lifestyle and budget changes for the parents. This is part of the parenthood experience she wanted.