"AITA for not including my future MIL in wedding planning?"
I (25F) recently got engaged my (27M) boyfriend of 3.5 years. I am seriously considering not including my future MIL in wedding planning. My partner’s mom has never shown much interest in me, despite the fact that we live 3 hours away and visit many times during the year.
For the first 8 months we dated she called me by his ex’s name. Both of my parents passed by the time I was 19. She never asked about them, or for any memories I had. Instead she asked if they had set me up financially. When we visit, she almost acts as if I am not there. I ask her questions about her life and try to engage the best I can. She does not address me, or make any attempt to know me.
Two years ago, we told her that we had signed a lease together. Her reaction was terrible. She screamed “no not happening." My fiancé was horrified. She never apologized but instead added me to the family group chat. I had a miscarriage shortly after this and she tried to convince my (boyfriend at the time) that I was lying (of course he knew better).
We bought our home in December of 2024 and she made it clear it would not be our “forever home” to both of us and that she would not be giving us any money to help. (We paid the down payment completely by ourselves and have not missed a mortgage or rent payment ever.
We have also never asked for money) She spoiled my fiancés original proposal plan purposefully. Now that we are engaged, she is trying to create a relationship with me by engaging with my social media and texting us about the plans. The cons to not including her in planning are as follows:
1) She has two daughters, both of whom have severe special needs and more than most likely will not get married.
2) Not including her will be my fault and I’m sure she will complain to my fiancé about it. Of course he will take my side but I truly want no drama at all.
3) I wonder if I am overreacting to her behavior and if I should build a relationship with her. I just want a positive drama free bridal experience. It is hard enough for me already to be doing this without my parents. What do I do?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Full_Pace7666 said:
Of course NTA for not including what I can only imagine to be an actual demon from Hell in your wedding plan. Hell, I wouldn’t want her in the wedding at all. You do need to have a discussion with your SO about this and ensure you both set some boundaries with her regarding this though.
Artistic-Tough-7764 said:
NTA. Your wedding, your choices. If you choose not to include future MIL, make sure you are prepared for whatever she brings in retaliation.
DriftlessHang said:
NTA, you know she will just ruin all of your experiences that go with planning a wedding. Nothing will be good enough unless it’s her choice. Make sure you talk to your fiancée so there are no issues, but it sounds like he has your back.
RestlessLegacy said:
I disagree with the people who say no contact. I think you should pick one task for her to do. It has to be something that doesn’t matter very much so when she inevitably screws it up for you it won’t be a big deal.
Then talk very directly about what your wedding plans are to your attendants so they can head her off at the event when she inevitably tries to derail everything. Consider hiring a security guard. In my wedding it was my own mother who was the problem. Been there. My regret was not making an anti-mom plan at the wedding.
LosAngel1935 said:
NTA. Talk to your fiancé; he knows the situation. To avoid adding to the inevitable wedding drama, see if he's okay with leaving his mom out. If not, assign her something small, so when she messes it up, it'll be easy to fix. The only silver lining about your future MIL is that she lives three hours away, so you won’t have to worry about her showing up unannounced every day.
Clear-Cabinet7167 said:
NTA, but talk to your partner about your concerns and that if he talks to MIL she can be involved BUT he needs to get her to understand that the first time she disrespects you, that’s it. She’s out. It’s your wedding day. Get the drama out of the way now, not in the lead up, or indeed on the actual day.