'AITA for not including my stepmom in any pre-wedding stuff?' 'It wasn't fair.'

"AITA for not including my stepmom in any pre-wedding stuff and not adding her as a parent in my wedding?"

I (25f) have divorced parents and they do not get along. My mom and dad are remarried too and there's unease between all four. I'm the youngest from my parents. They had four of us. We were all pretty young when the divorce happened so we grew up with all the tension and fighting.

Because of this we sorta decided we'd just try and stay close to our parents and would be civil to the spouses. To us they're not real parent figures and none of us would describe ourselves as having four parents. It was always two divorced parents who remarried.

That has led to hurt feelings and more fights over the years but it's just easier. None of my siblings included the spouses in their weddings. Dad walked my sister down the aisle and mom walked both my brothers. There was no role for stepdad or stepmom on the day.

My stepmom was hurt when my sister went dress shopping with mom and not her. She was upset when she got included in nothing but mom was asked to help with other small things. I always planned to do the same and so far I have. I didn't include my stepmom in anything and she's really feeling it now because I'm the last one.

She told me she'd loved to be included and how much it hurts to be in my life in the capacity of a mother figure for 20ish years and to be nothing more than dad's plus one. She said she feels like she's only sitting with dad and included in photos out of politeness.

And she said she doesn't want that. She wants to be more. But being polite is why. It's the same with my stepdad. I'm not going to ask my parents to exclude their spouses but they all created this and I'm not going to start acting like I feel something I don't after all these years.

Then my stepmom picked up my phone while my fiancé and I were having dinner with her and dad and she saw the mock ups for our digital programs (they come as part of the package we didn't ask for them specifically) and she was hurt that I chose the same wording my oldest brother did who had them as part of his wedding package too.

It's mom + husband and dad + wife. It's not the parents of and all names listed. She said it wasn't fair and she deserves after all this time to be included more. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Civil_Feeling4201 said:

NTA it’s her own insecurities getting the best of her during a time that it’s about you and your fiance. I’d just ignore it and double down and say how ridiculous it would be to have 6 people (including your in-laws) down as “the parents of the bride and groom) and how unfair it would look.

She is not your parent and she merely is your father’s plus one. Honestly it’s not even worth addressing. Your siblings did what they wanted on their wedding day so you should follow suit. I’m not sure if you’re close with them but I’d try and get them all on board to support you in addressing this with all 4 parents. Wishing you a wonderful wedding and a happy and healthy marriage OP!

Melodic-Dark6545 said:

NTA. Here's the clue to everything: "hurts to be in my life in the capacity of a mother figure for 20ish years and to be nothing more than dad's plus one." Neither you nor your siblings see her as a mother figure and you do exactly the same with your mother's husband. So why does she think anything has changed? It has been like that for 20ish years!

This is not about what SHE THINKS SHE DESERVES. You've had 20ish years and you don't see her as a mother and not you will not. This is the way things are so she's "hurt" because she chooses to. Doesn't she have children of her own?

emryldmyst said:

Nta. She's not the mother. She needs to stfu, stay in her lane and stop trying to make things about her.

Alfred-Register7379 said:

Nta. Don't let dad and stepmom pay for anything, for the wedding. That will become the leash. She can cry all she wants. Stepmom doesn't mean "mandatory relationship" with step kids. It just doesn't.

blonde1psp said:

NTA and she has some nerve going through your phone. Keep your boundaries in place and for her going through your phone, I'd say she's lucky she's still invited, i know I would have uninvited her after breaking your privacy.

GoodWin7889 said:

NTA. You are following your siblings lead in how they dealt with the situation so why would she assume you would be different? You have all been consistent during every life celebration. You treat the step parents as the spouses of your mother and father and give them respect.

You don’t owe them an emotional connection that doesn’t exist. Stepmom can’t expect to change the dynamics this late in the game. Congratulations on your wedding.

SummerTimeRedSea said:

NTA you're kind. I would have disinvited her the moment she took your phone or even at her first complain she needs to stay in her place or stay a home.