'AITA for not inviting my BIL to our house for Thanksgiving after he got back together with his ex?'
"AITA for not inviting my brother-in-law to our house for Thanksgiving after he got back together with his ex and unleashed a tsunami of family dysfunction?"
I’m honestly worn out and trying to figure out if I handled this wrong. My husband (32M) and I (33F) were planning a quiet Thanksgiving this year. It was supposed to just be us and our two young children at home. Nothing big, nothing dramatic. My husband is the middle child of three children. A couple weeks ago, his sister( “SIL”) 29, mentioned she didn’t have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving, so I invited her.
No intention behind it, just trying to make sure she wasn’t alone. Then earlier today, we invited my father-in-law (“Dad”) because we found out his wife would be out of town. Again, it wasn’t planned. It was just one of those “hey, you’re welcome to join us if you want” things.
Here’s where it gets messy. My brother-in-law (“BIL”) 34, recently got back together with his ex (“GF”) 33, after almost three years apart. Their breakup back then was extremely messy…DVRO court orders on BOTH sides, custody issues, all kinds of fallout.
It affected everyone in the family in a very traumatic way. GF and SIL do not get along…at all. They have a long history of issues and are just generally nasty to each other. When BIL got back together with GF, SIL actually asked for space from him because she couldn’t handle being around that situation again.
And I don’t blame her. Since BIL and GF are well aware of the tricky dynamic, my husband and I just assumed that they would spend Thanksgiving together. It honestly didn’t even cross my mind to invite BIL, especially because inviting him without inviting her would have caused a whole different kind of problem.
Sister and GF cannot be in the same room. There’s no scenario where that goes smoothly. Anyway, GF found out SIL and Dad were coming over, and she went nuclear on me for not inviting BIL. She told me it was rude, exclusionary, and like we were sending some kind of message or choosing sides.
She said she wasn’t being passive-aggressive (she was), and she even said that she could be off the mark, but in the conversation that followed, it was apparent she’d already decided what our intentions were. I explained that SIL was invited weeks ago, Dad was invited literally just today, and we genuinely just assumed (logically) that BIL had his own plans with her and the kids.
She didn’t accept that and stuck to her version of events. Nothing was meant to exclude him, and honestly, I felt like inviting him without her would’ve been just as disrespectful in a different way. Not to mention, SIL asked for space. So it would have been disrespectful to her as well. So now I’m sitting here feeling upset and discouraged.
I love BIL and I would NEVER intentionally leave him out, but this family is so fractured that no matter what I do, someone seems to get hurt. AITA for not inviting him when we truly thought he had plans, and when inviting him either with or without his girlfriend probably would’ve created even more problems?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
stupidbitchphd wrote:
NTA I love how it’s not even your brother mad at you right now, it’s his GF.
OP responded:
I said this exact thing to my husband 🤣🤣
Brainysmurf wrote:
Stop talking to her. Say "we disagree and I am not going to allow you to tell me what I think or say so I'm going to ask you to stop contacting me until you can calm yourself down. I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving but it will not be here in my home. We do not do drama here and while Brother is always welcome, your drama no longer is."
BluePopple wrote:
NTA. It sounds like you need to be no-contact with her and your husband needs to sit his brother down and explain that he is welcome in your household but his girlfriend is not. She brings nothing but toxicity to the table and that’s not welcome in your house, especially not around the kids. Ending with, how he chooses to go about interacting with the family now that he is aware of the boundaries is up to him.
Affectionate_Beach45 wrote:
NTA. The GF is already causing drama! Why does she care if BIL was invited? It doesn't involve her. I bet if you'd invited just him, she would be outraged that she wasn't included. It's a lose/lose situation.
You're doing the right thing. That woman sounds like bad news. I don't blame your SIL for disliking her. Your brother is bringing himself a world of hurt, and I'd bet a year's salary it won't last and they'll go through another traumatic breakup. Stay far away.
top-entertainer2546 wrote:
NTA. Wow, I can see why no one in the family except BIL likes this woman. Going forward, practice the fine art of shameless disengagement. She calls screaming because you didn't invite them all to your home, "I'm sorry you're upset. I have to go, goodbye!"
She's mad you didn't get a good enough gift for her kid's birthday, "I'm sorry you aren't happy. We really have to go. Bye!" You get the idea. And no one else in the family will blame you.
PanicAtTheGaslight wrote:
NTA, but you need to stop letting the GF triangulate you all. That means reach out to BIL separately. Tell him that Dad is going to be joining you and sister-in-law tomorrow and ask if he is upset that he is not invited.
Also, if he knew about this and asked GF to contact you, tell him that you have a relationship with him, not with GF and that if he has an issue, he should reach out to you and your husband on your own.
Spiritual_Truth_5152 wrote:
NTA at all. Your husband needs to set a boundary with his brother to let him know that he (BIL) is always welcome but that she (GF) is not. Husband can use this recent situation as just one more in a long line of examples of why she's not welcome and nobody wants to be around her drama.
LauraPtown wrote:
Keep them uninvited. Period. Who needs the drama or stress?