'AITA for not inviting my boyfriend to my graduation dinner because of what he said to my dad?' UPDATED

"AITA for not inviting my boyfriend to my graduation dinner because of what he said to my dad?"

So I (19F) just graduated college early yay me! My family is super close knit, especially me and my dad. He's a single dad who basically gave up everything to raise me.

Like, this man worked two jobs when I was in high school so I could do extracurriculars and not worry about anything. We’re tight. Anyway, I’ve been dating "Jake" (22M) for about 8 months. He’s funny, a bit sarcastic, and usually great to be around. We’ve had ups and downs, but nothing major until last week.

My dad threw me a small graduation dinner. Just close family and a couple of my best friends. Jake was going to be invited, but the day before the dinner, he came over to help me pick an outfit and ended up chatting with my dad.

I wasn’t in the room the whole time, but I heard them laughing at first, then voices got lower. Later, when Jake left, my dad pulled me aside and said, “I don’t like how he talks to me.” I asked what happened, and apparently Jake had said something like, “You must be glad your job as a dad is finally over,” in a joking way.

My dad apparently just smiled and changed the subject, but I could tell it really hurt him. He’s sensitive about that kind of stuff, and honestly, so am I. When I texted Jake about it, he doubled down and said my dad was being “too emotional” and that “it’s not that deep.”

That rubbed me the wrong way. My dad has never asked for anything, and this dinner was a big deal for him. So I made the choice to not invite Jake. I didn’t tell him until the day of, and he blew up saying I was choosing my dad over him and that I’m immature for "ghosting" him for a stupid dinner.

I told him he needed to apologize to my dad first before being welcome around my family again. He said I’m being dramatic and that my dad needs to “grow up.” So…now he’s barely speaking to me, and some of my friends are split. A couple say I did the right thing, others think I should’ve still let him come and talked it out after.

The internet commenters were quick to share their thoughts.

Jazzlike_Grape_5486 wrote:

Your first red flag was that he came over to "help you choose an outfit," i.e. tell you what to wear. What other controlling things does he do? You are an adult, and Jake is acting like a manipulative child. This is the kind of father he will be.

DUMP him now. This is not about disrespecting your dad--Jake has disrespect for fatherhood in general. He probably disrespects you--if not, he will. He is selfish, and not family oriented.He will be jealous of your career, your co-workers, your friends. Time for a fresh start.

mgrateez wrote:

I was going to go ESH because honestly your dad seems to have gotten offended with something that clearly wasn’t hurtful or intentional, and worse, definitely did not deserve an apology for it.

That said - your bf is TA bc of how he responded “he’s being too emotional” should’ve been “I didn’t mean it that way” and his “you’re choosing your dad over me” even if the reason to do so from your side had been valid, obviously it’s like well duh buddy:: dad > you...he can f#$k off with that attitude.

Though it does make me wonder (not that it’d make it ok) if he responded the way he did bc he felt punished for an idiotic reason.

Routine-Abroad-4473 wrote:

You're a college graduate now. You've outgrown an immature boy like Jake. He was fun for a time, but you can do better.

Also, here's a handy hint: the moment a man says "it's not that deep" is the moment you know he's a bad guy. That's how they reveal themselves.

Fancy-Requirement536 wrote:

NTA. I think you can do better than Jake. He's showing some big red flags. Ups and downs after only 8 months? You should still be in the "honeymoon" phase with way more ups than downs. Everything he said to your dad is troublesome. Your dad will always be your dad and his "job" as a parent is never over.

Of course you're going to choose your dad over him! The fact that he won't apologize or even acknowledge his obnoxious comments is a real problem. I think you're starting to see that Jake is manipulative, jealous and controlling. His comments are rubbing you the wrong way, so trust your gut.

You know what he said was inappropriate and his reaction to you calling him out on his behavior is a problem as well. He didn't deserve to be at the dinner, and he doesn't deserve to have you as a GF! It doesn't matter what your friends say - they don't have to deal with him the way you do. Move on from Jake. Celebrate with your dad and enjoy the dinner!

Four days later, OP shared an update.

Hey internet strangers, I didn’t think this would get much attention, but thanks for all the responses I read a lot of them (even the brutally honest ones lol). A bunch of people asked for an update, so here we go.

So after the whole graduation dinner situation, I gave Jake some space. I thought maybe he just needed time to cool off and think things through. I was still upset, but I genuinely hoped he’d come around, maybe even reach out to apologize to my dad.

He didn’t.

Instead, the day after the dinner, he posted some cryptic IG story like black screen, white text, classic drama saying something like “Some people value performative loyalty over real love.” 🙄 Okay, philosopher.

I ignored it. But then… my cousin (who was at the dinner and follows Jake) messaged me asking if everything was okay, because apparently Jake was replying to comments under that story with eyeroll emojis whenever someone mentioned “family” or “dads.”

At that point, I was like, "What are we doing here?"

So I texted him one more time. I said, “Hey. I need to know where you stand. If you still think what you said wasn’t a big deal and you don’t want to apologize, then maybe this just isn’t going to work.”

He read it. Didn’t reply. Left me on read for 3 days.

Then, out of nowhere, he sent me this long paragraph saying I "clearly have unresolved daddy issues," and that he “should’ve known I’d always prioritize the first man in my life over any future ones.”

Y’all. My jaw was on the FLOOR. Not only was that wildly disrespectful, it proved exactly why I made the right choice.

I told him we were done. Blocked his number. Told my friends what he said and even the ones who thought I was being too harsh before were like, “Yeah no, he sucks.” And my dad? He didn’t even know half of this was happening, but when I told him (in a very PG way), he just said, “You deserve someone who respects all of you including where you come from.”

Anyway. Single now. Degree in hand. Peace restored. And my dad and I went out for pancakes the next morning and laughed about how I almost invited a man who beefs with father figures to a family dinner 😂.

Thanks for the advice. Some of y’all saved me from wasting more time.

The comments kept coming.

dstluke wrote:

You avoided a huge, walking red flag. Good on you. That comment of his was a way of testing the waters to see how easy it would be to separate you from your family. Good thing it didn't work because what comes next gets worse. You deserve better.

Final_Alps wrote:

Your dad (and mom) raised you right. You shielding him from this insanity...if my daughter were to do something like this I’d break down crying in happiness and pride. What a d#$k move from the ex and good riddance. So many red flags in that response.

PassingEcho_ wrote:

Good riddance. Baffling how people can think this is okay.

wrathisathrowaway wrote:

His response shows he didn’t respect you or your family. You made the right choice.