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'AITA for not inviting my brother's girlfriend to my wedding?' 'She INSISTS.' UPDATED 2X

'AITA for not inviting my brother's girlfriend to my wedding?' 'She INSISTS.' UPDATED 2X

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"AITA for not inviting my brother's girlfriend to my wedding, even though she insists?"

I’m in a tough spot and not sure if I’m in the wrong. I (30M) am getting married in three months to my fiancée (28F), and we decided to keep the ceremony pretty small, about 50 guests, mostly close family and dear friends. We don't really have the money for any more people.

My brother (35M) has been dating a woman, let’s call her Anna (32F), for about a year. They’re not married and don’t live together yet, but they’re clearly serious. However, Anna has been a problem since the beginning.

In the few instances we’ve interacted, she’s made snide comments about my fiancée and our wedding choices. For example: She criticized the fact that we’re having a child-free wedding. She said our menu “sounds too basic” (we chose traditional italian food, nothing fancy).

Once, in front of the whole family, she joked that “she doesn’t see our marriage lasting long.” My fiancée feels uncomfortable around Anna, and honestly, so do I. When we sent out the invitations, we only included my brother, assuming the reason would be obvious.

Well, it wasn’t. When Anna found out she wasn’t invited, she blew up. She called me, saying it’s “a matter of respect” and that, as my brother’s partner, she should automatically get an invite. My brother agrees with her and even threatened not to come if we don’t invite her too.

Now my parents have stepped in, saying it’s “just one day, and we should try to keep the peace in the family.” But my fiancée and I feel like inviting Anna would mean sacrificing our comfort on one of the most important days of our lives. I don’t want to exclude my brother, but I don’t think I’m obligated to invite someone who has been disrespectful to us. So, AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

YouSayWotNow said:

You are absolutely not obligated to invite someone, and you have multiple valid reasons: You have chosen to have a small wedding, with limited guest numbers, which is absolutely your prerogative.

She has repeatedly made snide comments about your wedding choices She has even gone so far as to say she doesn't see the marriage lasting long -- who would ever invite someone who felt like that about their marriage to come and celebrate it with them??? Keeping the family peace should be said more often to the problem person not the victim(s) of the crappy behavior.

Why aren't your parents encouraging your brother to keep the peace by accepting your choices for your own wedding? He also needs to understand that his girlfriend's own crappy behaviour is the reason she's not invited. At the end of the day, I'd stand my ground. He can either attend or not, and likewise for your parents.

Pow24242 said:

NTA. You are not excluding her because she's your brothers girlfriend, you are excluding her because she's been rude and disrespectful, period. A wedding is a place of love, no aholes invited.

CharliAP said:

NTA. She actually said that she doesn't see your marriage lasting long. Hell no, she's not invited. This is yours and your fiancé's day. Keep the peace for you and him. His family needs to worry about your peace too, and not some crazy girlfriend, that's nobody and means nothing to you and your fiancé. This is the time to start setting boundaries. Boundaries are going to be very necessary with these people.

Whispering_Goth said:

NTA. Your wedding, your guest list. And if Anna has already made snide comments about your wedding choices, who knows what she'll say or do on the actual day. It's not worth the stress and discomfort.

Aromatic_Recipe1749 said:

NTA. Just the fact that this woman has the nerve to call an berate you says it all. What obnoxious behavior! It’s a small, intimate wedding. She is not a part of your group of close friends and family. Tell your brother that she didn’t make the cut.

Tell your parents that your brother is making the scene. It’s on him to accept your decision to keep the peace. You will not be bullied into having her negative energy dominate your wedding.

Apprehensive_War9612 said:

NTA. Your wedding, your choice. Also whenever anyone says do it to keep the peace. Tell them you are doing what’s needed to keep the peace since she feels the food is basic and doesn’t see the wedding last, if her relationship lasts you might invite her to the next one

FIRST UPDATE:

Thank you so much for your comments and advice on my original post. It was incredibly helpful to read different perspectives, and I’m happy to share an update now that the situation has been resolved.

After reflecting on everything, I decided to have a direct conversation with my brother. I explained that the decision to not invite Anna wasn’t about disrespecting their relationship but about the hurtful comments she made and how they made my fiancée and me feel. I told him that our wedding is a day for us to feel safe and supported, and I wasn’t willing to compromise on that.

At first, my brother was defensive, but eventually, he admitted he hadn’t realized how much Anna’s words had affected us. I also made it clear that if Anna truly wanted to come, she would need to reach out to us, acknowledge the past behavior, and commit to being respectful at the wedding.

To my surprise, Anna actually texted me yesterday. She apologized for her comments, saying she didn’t realize how much they hurt us. She promised to behave appropriately and assured me that she wanted to celebrate our big day without causing drama. While I’m still cautious, I appreciated her effort and sincerity, so I agreed to let her come with clear boundaries in place.

One thing I really want to highlight is how much my parents stepped up after our initial conversations. When I told them how important it was for my fiancée and me to feel supported, they backed me completely.

They even talked to my brother and reminded him that this is our day and that respecting our choices should be the priority. Their support made a huge difference, and it honestly strengthened my resolve to stick to what felt right for us.

The final agreement is this: Anna will attend the wedding, but only under the condition that she respects our boundaries. If there’s any inappropriate behavior, my fiancée and I reserve the right to ask her to leave. She agreed, and my brother seemed relieved that we found a solution.

We’re now feeling much more at peace and excited about the wedding. Thank you again to everyone who commented—you gave me the clarity and confidence to navigate this situation in a way that worked for us.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the first update:

JJQuantum said:

Do yourself a favor and ask your MoH and best man to keep an eye on Anna. Let them know what the deal is and give them authority to act on your behalf should she start anything. That way you can enjoy the day without having to worry about policing her.

SnooWords4839 said:

Sorry, but a text to apologize, means nothing. She should have met up with both of you, so you could see if she really means it. See how she acts from now to the wedding, one negative comment, take back the invite.

sofia_lee12 said:

I’m so glad to hear that things worked out in the end! It sounds like you handled the situation with a lot of maturity and care. Setting clear boundaries and having that direct conversation with your brother was the right move.

It’s great that Anna took responsibility for her comments and that your parents had your back in supporting your decisions. It must feel like a weight has been lifted, and I’m sure your wedding day will be much more peaceful and enjoyable now. Wishing you and your fiancée all the best!

MildlyAmusedHuman said:

Once bitten, twice shy. Take precautions at the wedding. Apology by text is a cop out, lacks sincerity or conviction. I hope your wedding is a wonderful day without incident.

AnggelaDream said:

That's great progress! Setting boundaries is key, and it's awesome that Anna took responsibility. Kudos to you for standing your ground and having those tough conversations. Wishing you a drama-free and joyous wedding day!

Ihateyou1975 said:

If someone had to ask me to apologize and say I would behave to be invited to a wedding. Well. That would cause me to have some massive introspection. I would be so embarrassed.

FINAL UPDATE:

Alright, since some people are still questioning whether Anna’s apology was genuine or if her brother actually wrote it for her, honestly, I don’t care. What matters is that, whether she meant it or not, the responsibility for her behavior has now shifted entirely onto my brother.

He vouched for her, he convinced me to let her come, and now if she does anything at the wedding, the blame will be on her, not me. Everyone in the family now fully understands who the real problem is, so I no longer have to stress about trying to prove anything. If she screws up, she’s the one who will face the consequences, and I won’t have to lift a finger.

At the end of the day, I don’t need to be her friend, I don’t need to trust her, and I definitely don’t need to care about whether her apology was heartfelt or just damage control. All I care about is that she knows she’s on thin ice, my brother is the one keeping her in check, and if she so much as breathes wrong at my wedding, she’s the one who will burn for it, not me.

So yeah, I’m done worrying about this. Whatever happens, happens, and I’ll enjoy my wedding regardless. Thanks again to everyone who gave solid advice, I really appreciate it!

Here's what top commenters had to say about the final update:

funxpetal said:

Good for you for setting boundaries and focusing on your own happiness! Here's hoping for a drama-free wedding.

Slow_Balance270 said:

Your biggest issue is worrying about what anyone else has to say about your wedding.

Jokester_316 said:

Good for you. The onus about her behavior is for your brother to worry about. Congratulations on your pending wedding. I wish you and your fiancé many happy anniversaries in your future.

take0a0pinch said:

Hopefully she doesn’t come to the wedding wearing white to steal the limelight.

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