Dad's GF begs to join his daughter wedding dress shopping. 'You would make mom's absence worse.'
"AITA for not inviting my dad's girlfriend wedding dress shopping with me and my sisters?"
My mom died 5.5 years ago and my dad started dating again 3.5 years ago. His girlfriend Cheryl seems okay. I (24f) haven't spent much time with her to really know her well but my sisters (17 & 19) live with her now, technically just over the summers for my middle sister.
So my dad told me it would be good to invite Cheryl to join us wedding dress shopping (I'm engaged) and make her feel like a part of the family. Cheryl had already mentioned how much she'd love to join us.
My dad just took it over from there. I didn't really want her there and I told my dad I'd rather just keep it me and my sisters. At first he took it okay and I thought that would be the end of it.
But the day of Cheryl got ready to go anyway and when I went to pick up my sisters she told me that even though we wanted a sister day, she wanted to treat us afterward and she thought she'd come anyway.
My dad wasn't home so it was me telling Cheryl that I still just wanted to do this with my sisters and me. She told me she could be quiet and I'd hardly know she was there and I told her that my answer was still no.
Apparently she was crying about it when my dad got home and he was angry at me for not giving in when she was ready and everything. The two of us got into a fight. My dad told me a bunch of times that he thought it was petty and mean to exclude her and how she's in our lives now and he wants to marry her.
He asked me what the harm would be and why wouldn't I take the chance to include her in something special. I told him mom should be doing this with us. And having Cheryl there would just make it worse that mom isn't here.
I told him that it wasn't me trying to make him not date her or anyone. But that I would find it hard to include someone he's with in something mom should be there for. Like dress shopping.
He told me he understood my emotions but to also think of how weird this would be for Cheryl and how I don't make the effort to spend time with her already and then won't include her in something fun even when she offered to treat us afterward. Then he said I'm too old to be holding onto the hurt at the cost of someone else's feelings. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Your dad's gf is too old for this nonsense.
NTA. I think that it’s weird that Cheryl is trying to muscle in on your wedding dress shopping.
NTA. As long as you're not being unhealthy about it, you can take as long as you want to process your grief over your mom. And even if you were completely over it, I can get how having your dad's GF there for something so personal as wedding-dress shopping instead of your mom would be weird if you two don't have a close bond to each other.
She set herself up for disappointment by getting ready to go even when you said no.
Not that the girlfriend wasn't 100% in the wrong, but I would say she had help in setting herself up for disappointment. OP's father should not have taken that particular ball and run with it.
As I read it, I got the impression that rather than convey to his girlfriend that his daughter would not be comfortable having her there, he most likely encouraged her too just to "go ahead and be ready when she gets here, say XYZ, and I'm sure she'll let you go". Something along those lines.
NTA. For how recent your moms death was, imo that is insensitive of your father to push his ... long term girlfriend? On you and your sisters for such an important event. It wis very inappropriate and your reaction should've shown them that.. the relationship isnt at that level yet...
NTA she is massively overstepping and causing drama because she doesn’t understand her role. She & your dad need to get that she can be a guest, IF she stops the childish behavior. YOU are not the one too old to act this way- she is.
NTA You just don't feel comfortable. Your Dad won't stop dating her if he didn't feel like you. Similarly your should learn to respect boundaries and that she should get involved in your life how you want 'cuz if you can't accept someone as mother thats your life not his to dictate. He is having a new partner in HIS LIFE and that has almost noting to do with YOUR LIFE.
Absolutely NTA. Your father and Cheryl are being highly disrespectful of your feelings. Tell your father that your mom passing away will ALWAYS hurt, and times makes it only must bearable.
This is NOT about Cheryl's feelings, but about YOURS. No, you're not being petty and mean, Cheryl has to earn her place in your heart and by disrespecting you is not a good way.
NTA. You barely know this woman. Why would you want a virtual stranger coming along while you shop for your wedding dress. She‘s too old to be pushing her wants and expectations on anyone especially someone she barely knows. Your dad should be ashamed. You are not responsible for a grown woman’s feelings. Keep your boundaries.
NTA. It's not your fault that Cheryl didn't take the first no with grace or thought that continually dropping hints and getting your dad involved would make you change your mind. You barely know her to invite her to something so big and personal.
It's also incredibly unfair of her to put you on the spot like she did. That's not how you build relationships. If it was about treating you and your sisters afterwards, she could have arranged with you to do that when dress shopping had finished. ETA: And I'd tell your dad that his girlfriends feelings do not come before your own.