'AITA for not inviting my estranged brother to my wedding?' UPDATED
"AITA for not inviting my estranged brother to my wedding?"
For context: My brother (26M) and I (31F) have been estranged for years. He has always been arrogant, self-absorbed, and unapologetic about past behavior. Growing up, our mother (62F) constantly played favorites: he was the golden child, and he thrived in that role. The last time we spoke, we had a major argument.
He has never shown any remorse, and I’ve made peace with not having a relationship with him. I am a foreign MD working in the US and getting married to my American fiancé (33M) in early 2026. My family lives in my home country, and so we are finalizing our guest list as it will be a destination wedding.
My mother insists on letting my brother come along when she found out that he did not know I was already getting married. She then insisted that I invite him to the wedding (not sure if this was his or purely her idea) even asking me to provide an invitation letter to help his chances of getting a tourist visa. I respectfully told her no.
Aside from our personal history, the reality is he’s still a student with very few “ties to home,” so I doubt he would even qualify for a visa on his own. My parents, who already have valid visas and have visited me before, offered to be his guarantor, and that my “invitation letter” would help him out. Personally, I don’t want him to have access to me, and I refuse to let him benefit from me.
My mom argued that he could stay at a separate hotel and that she just wanted the whole family together. I explained that I don’t feel comfortable with him being at my wedding and that I don’t want to deal with that stress on what should be a special day. I told her that by insisting on his presence, she was only reinforcing my feelings that she prioritizes his feelings over mine.
She kept pressing, saying that relatives would talk badly if my brother wasn’t invited. I finally told her that if she insisted, then she could also consider herself uninvited. That led to a blow-up where she accused me of being ungrateful (us Asians are BIG on indebtedness to family lol), even reminding me that she and my father helped pay for my exams (expensive as an international medical graduate).
She said the least I could do was grant her “this one wish.” I then exasperatedly told her that I would think about it. AITA for refusing to invite my brother? Is there a reasonable compromise here, or should I stand my ground?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Uh, no. You don't "think about it." No is no. She doesn't get to hold the exams over your head, that was a decision they made as adults and as your parents. Not leverage so they can boundary stomp you. This is NOT your mom's day, who CARES if she "just wants her family together." Your wedding isn't about her. She can take it as it is or leave it. NTA. Don't bend.
ChiliTomatoCupNoodle (OP)
I agree. I’ve decided to firmly say NO in our next conversation. I don’t owe this to her, or anyone, and certainly not to the brat she raised. I don’t want him creating problems for me, and knowing how spiteful he is, I’m sure he’ll find a way to violate the trip and drag me into trouble.
Not if you maintain your boundaries, even when she kicks, screams and cries. You are in charge of your wedding, YOU are in charge of your life. If she wants to try and ruin this experience for you so she can get her way, she can stay home with the golden boy and cry from there. Best of luck to you.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Just got off the phone with my mother. I respectfully told her that she needs to respect my decision not to bring him around. That if he were genuinely interested in reconciliation, he would’ve reached out himself, not as a grown man hiding behind his mommy. (Thank you, by the way, for helping me realize this.)
I also made it clear that if she was even considering doing something behind my back or try to spring a nasty surprise on the day of, I would not hesitate to exclude her entirely.
To no one’s surprise, this was met with a screaming match followed by the classic religious guilt trip: “Do you want an awful marriage? How can it be blessed by God if both parents aren’t there to give their blessing?” Yada yada.
Then came the lecture about what I’d tell my future children if their uncle was “out of the picture,” and of course, the accusation that living in the US has changed my perspective on family.
As for my father, I don’t think he’s aware of all this yet, but I’m sure he’ll hear about it soon. Never had an issue with him, though - he’s always supported me, even with being NC with my brother. I know he’d disapprove, but ultimately, he would understand.
What I expect next is her tried-and-true stonewalling routine. That’s fine, I’ve seen this pattern countless times. Never resolving conflicts, just freezes me out until she feels like pretending nothing happened. Textbook emotionally immature parent.
Even if she decides to “patch things up” later, it won’t be by acknowledging her mistakes - just by softening the silent treatment. And in her eyes, this will always be my wrongdoing. Whatever. Her refusal to respect my boundaries and her continued treatment of me only confirm what I already know: going no contact with her is the healthiest choice.
I can understand, to an extent, why she favors the younger sibling. There are plenty of factors I’ve reasoned myself with over the years: he’s male, following their footsteps as a lawyer, still lives with them, and his backstory as a child was marked by sickness and multiple brushes with death.
So yes, I get the overprotectiveness. But even on our last get-together trip overseas a few years ago, I recall having to consciously remind myself not to roll my eyes every time she babied him into oblivion, as if he isn’t a full-grown man.
When I raised concerns to her about him, and on during one instance, his arrogance and toxic, self-centered behavior, she brushed it off. Her defense? That he needs to be so-and-so and develop a “thick skin” because he’s in a high-stress, competitive environment. So? Aren’t doctors also in high-stress environments? Do we all have to behave that way? (Cue silence, of course.)
I know there are cultural nuances and complexities here - with us being Asian, and a glimpse of our family dynamics that are complicated as all hell. Which is why I’m posting from a dump account, and why I first tried AITA before crossposting to my home country’s version.
I have an inkling of what the responses will be (and I suspect they won’t line up with what my heart hopes to hear, lol). Still, I wanted to gather a more diverse perspective. Thank you for all your insights - and rest assured, on the day of my wedding, there will be plenty of security measures in place 🤭
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
It's always "just do this one small thing for me" and pretending like they didn't hear you saying no. Never acknowledging that if you do this it negatively affects you and is disproportional.
When people 'soften' their stance of the silent treatment, you don't have to accept it. A former friend tried this with me, ignoring me for weeks, then suddenly started texting again like nothing had happened.
I replied that until she sincerely apologised, I would not be responding. She kicked off about it, sulked, and eventually apologised. We were never close again, but she never tried that trick with me again, and I felt better for standing up for myself.
If it were up to me I'd uninvite your mom. That tirade on the phone is inexcusable, and she WILL make a scene at the wedding. I've arranged all of my family, and I'm better for it. I finally estranged my older sister for pushing my boundaries again, and in the months since, I found so much more emotional energy that I can invest into other connections.
My social circle and close friends group has grown so much that I don't miss my family at all. Your brother is a result of her parenting. Excluding him but not her is kind of insane if you ask me.
You are going to have an amazing wedding surrounded by people who love and support you. It's good that you are going low contact and no contact with people who have only sought to diminish you. Focus on the life you're building with your Fiancé, which I hope will be an amazing journey for you both.
This ain't close to being over, i fully expect him to somehow show up at the wedding, invited or not.