'AITA for not inviting fiancé’s stepmom to wedding dress shopping?' 'How do I try to squash this?'

"AITA for not inviting fiancé’s step mom to wedding dress shopping?"

My fiancé (M24) has never really been close with his step mom and especially not closer with her than his own mother (step mom was the other woman). About a month ago my mother scheduled this dress appointment for me (F25) and my original plan was to have my MOH, my mom, future MIL, my 4 younger sisters, and both sets of our grandmas present.

I told step mom about this plan and I specifically remember her suggesting I go before the appointment with 1 or 2 people so I wouldn’t be overwhelmed with the crowd on the actual appointment. I did like the idea and tried to bring my 1 of my sisters. However, my schedule just didn’t pan out for it to happen before the originally planned appointment.

I ended up having to reschedule with a different shop that had a 4 guest maximum. I included my mom, my future MIL, and my 2 grandmother’s. The day of, step mom invited us over and I reminded her my appointment was that day.

She asked me where it was and I explained the whole situation of rescheduling and the guest minimum. She didn’t seem bothered until I told her that my fiancé’s mom was invited. She already knew she wasn’t included in the previous group. She never seemed to have an issue with it.

My fiancé then gets a text from his father that I hurt their feelings and he didn’t understand why stepmom wasn’t invited. My fiancé told him that he wasn’t involved in the planning of the appointment so stepmom would have to talk to me directly. Stepmom is a very passive aggressive person.

She typically just gives the silent treatment until she feels better instead of talking it out. So when fiancé told me about the text I didn’t really expect her to talk to me about it but that she would just be happy to be included in the few who have seen my dress. This was not the case.

The next day we went over to their house and I showed stepmom the dress in private. She told me that it was perfect and that she didn’t want to talk about it because she would cry. I thought that she meant she was getting emotional because of the dress itself.

So I said “Me and my mom were crying yesterday. I figured you would get just as emotional as we did." Then she said “no, I just had a really bad day yesterday and my feelings were hurt but I’m over it and I’m not talking about it."

When I asked her why she just said “because (MIL)!” and stormed away from me. I’m so confused. I’m also upset because I’m extremely close with my sisters and also my MOH who couldn’t come yet all of them understood the situation.

I don’t understand why step mom is so upset when she already knew from before that she wasn’t going to be there. AITA? How do I try to squash this without her becoming more upset?

Here's what people had to say to OP about this one:

longhandwrittenote said:

I think it's pretty obvious that your fiancé's step mother was giving you hints that she wanted to be involved. Why else would she suggest going with one or two people beforehand? Why did you expect her to cry from seeing your wedding dress?

You're not particularly close and you've made a concerted effort to exclude her while inviting all the other women in your life. It makes complete sense that she feels singled out.

Also, why did you involve her in your wedding plans at all? From your account, your fiancé isn't close with her because she was the other woman. So why are you discussing your wedding with her?

IHaveBoxerDogs said:

Why would you tell her about the big crowd of people you were taking? That's rude. I'm not saying you should have invited her, but you definitely shouldn't have talked about it in front of her. YTA.

FL1ghtlesswaterfowl said:

Well, I think you are TA. You told a woman a plan to go wedding dress shopping with everyone except her. And you saw nothing wrong with excluding her. If fiancée is not all that close, why tell his stepmom anything in the first place? Sheesh, read the room OP.

wfowfo said:

ESH - as a very generalized rule you don’t tell people about events they are not invited to. I’m doing this or that with all these folks and no - you are not included. We learned this in kindergarten. It’s rude to brag about parties or events in front of people who aren’t included.

editrixe said:

NTA, but if you told step-MIL “4 guest minimum” that means you needed to have 4 guests or more, so she may have been wondering why she’d be excluded; “4-guest maximum” would explain why you could only have 4. But honestly, you seem to be making excuses for excluding her.

Your fiancé and she are not close… but you’re close enough with her to be having multiple conversations with her about all the wedding planning and dress buying? You mention the 4-person maximum repeatedly…

but step-MIL wasn’t included when it was at the “come with 90 million people” dress store either. You did not want her there and that is absolutely your right; stop making it sound like it’s not your decision to exclude her. It is.

Nyankitty666 said:

Slight YTA. Why do you keep talking to this woman and sharing plans with her when your fiancé is not even close to her? You are inviting unnecessary drama by even talking about things she is not included in.

She's only going to be a guest in your wedding, so you do not need to keep talking to her and sharing plans, especially when your MIL is already involved. By doing this, you are involving your fiance with this woman more than he wants to be. This whole situation just sounds immature.

Mychelle125 said:

I love how people cheat and expect others to get over it. Sure, people move on but the consequences can go on forever. Future MIL should be there since you have a good relationship with her. She’s his mom.

Step MIL is probably so passive aggressive bc she a coward and won’t deal with the guilt she has. Future FIL is an a-hole too for cheating but this isn’t about that right now. Def NTA.