'AITA for not inviting my in-laws to my son’s 5th birthday after a big family fallout?'
"AITA for not inviting my in-laws to my son’s 5th birthday after a big family fallout?"
My son is turning 5 this week, and I planned a small celebration at home. I took Tuesday off work to bake him a cake and have my parents over in the evening. We mostly keep birthdays low-key apart from a big party for his 1st bday.
My husband (36m) and I (36f) have three kids: my stepdaughter (10F) and two boys (4M and 2M). The problem is my in-laws. I went low/no contact with them after a major fallout in August.
I actually posted about it on here in August, but deleted the posts out of fear my in laws would find them. Context - my husband has been on his sister’s mortgage since 2017 at the request of his dad.
We’ve been living in his dad’s flat since 2019, with all three kids sharing one bedroom. In August we met with a mortgage advisor who told us we’d easily be able to buy a house together if husband came off sister’s mortgage. However, she wouldn’t be able to refinance on her own due to debts and her declared income.
This was all whist they undertook a second big renovation (first one in 2018), costing FIL probably around 200k. Husband asked them to get their finances and priorities under control so he could get off her mortgage and buy his own house, and it blew up. And I became the villain who was making him say these things.
I actually went over to apologise for any misunderstanding, and instead got verbally hurt and humiliated by his sister while his dad and mum sat there watching. She attacked my job, my character, my relationship with my own family amongst other things.
Bearing in mind, I've always thought I had a good relationship with them all and genuinely considered myself a part of their family. This all came out of the blue. My husband defended me and argued back.
I mostly sat there quietly crying, holding my sleeping toddler. When we left with things unresolved, I was shaken so badly I vomited from the stress in the street outside.
Two weeks later, his mum and sister came round to apologize. Whatever they said was to him, not to me. I refused to see them because I genuinely felt unsafe and anxious around them and stayed with my sons in their bedroom.
Now for the birthday. When I mentioned my plan to bake a cake and invite my parents, my husbands mood changed. Later, when I asked if he could help buy a few things (the gifts, balloons etc) he accused me of intentionally excluding his family.
I reminded him that we've just had my parents over the last few times and offered that his family could do something for him the next day at their house. He said that wasn’t acceptable, that I was perpetuating the situation, and that it’s 'palpable' and 'awkward' that I’m not there for family things at their house.
Then he told me he wouldn’t contribute a penny towards the birthday or endorse it unless I invited his family, or at least his nieces, which feels more awkward than not inviting any of them.
He even said, 'It’s better if he doesn’t have a birthday at all. He’s five, he won’t even remember'. We went back and forth on it and I ended up crying, he was irate and went for a walk. I've felt shaky and nauseous since.
He later kissed me on the head and said, 'I support you 100%, but we need a solution because it can’t go on like this'. He’s framing me as the issue when all I’m doing is protecting my peace and avoiding people who bullied me.
He thinks I need to move on somehow. So AITA for not inviting my in-laws and choosing to celebrate my son’s 5th birthday with only my parents?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Look into buying a house with only your name and income.
Also talk to an assets attorney to find out your rights against your husband's.
They don’t HAVE any assets because if married she likely couldn’t buy a home without her husband’s help and then the fact that they’ve signed on sister’s loan puts them right back where they are now. They are well good and stuck.
Sadly, you have a bigger issue than your in-laws, and that's your husband. You need to ask him to contribute to his own son's birthday. Red flag #1. He became irate and said he would rather not have a birthday for his son.
Red flag # 2. He came back and kissed you on the forehead like a child and placed blame on you. Red flag #3. When his family came over to apologize, he didn't make them apologize to you right then and there. ATOMIC BOMB RED FLAG 4#.
books-clouds89 (OP)
In response to red glag no. 3 It was quite late when they came over. The energy was off and I was really uncomfortable. I had to put the boys to bed and then heard raised voices and was too anxious to go back inside.
My husband came to get me so they could apologise to my face but in that moment I couldn't do it and said it was OK as long as they were all alright now. Apology or not, I'm still supremely uncomfortable at the thought of being around them. A lot was said to me which I haven't been able to stop thinking about. I replay the abuse over and over in my head.
NTA If they can’t properly apologize themselves then they are more immature than the 5 year old.
They were totally in the wrong, but it seems that they tried to apologize and OP wouldn’t let them. That said, they should have sent her a written apology instead of just acting like oh well, we tried.
Maybe. You have a bargaining chip, if they want you to accept their apology they need to get your husband’s name off the mortgage for his sister. That is what this is all about.
Part of an apology is making amends, have this be the amends you need to accept their apology and allow them back into your lives. The bottom line is you and your husband need a home and his being on her mortgage is preventing y’all from getting what y’all need. You are not asking too much, they are!
books-clouds89 (OP)
They've said they'll get him off it in April 2026. I'm not so optimistic.
Your husband is married to his family. You are the side chick with his kids. So you do need to move on. Time to talk to your parents and see if you can move in with them. THEN talk to him about the stress he puts you under. The fact he and his family BOTH bully you and then you are expected to "get over it".
The fact that you will NEVER have your own life or own house because he is committed to them and not you, financially as well as emotionally. If he goes to marriage counseling with you, then you will come back IF it works out that he sees his relationship with you is PRIMARY.
He respects you and the fact you do not need to welcome bullies and abusers into your home. You are allowed to have space and PEACE. They'd never be in my house again. NTA.