'AITA for not inviting my best friend on a girl's trip because she's a mom now?' UPDATED

"AITA for not inviting my best friend on a girls trip?"

I (22F) and my girls go on a girls trip every December since we all have breaks from Uni. We’re a group of 6 girls and have been doing this since we were 18. We weren’t able to go last year cause of the pandemic. My best friend (21F) has 14 month old son. Since her son was born, we haven’t had a day alone with her, which I guess is understandable because she is a new mum.

We tried to include her in all the plans we had since having her child but noticed she would always ask if we could change what the plan was to accommodate her baby coming too. This meant the plan was almost always a coffee shop. I genuinely didn’t mind changing all of the plans to be more child friendly, and just assumed she couldn’t get her man or parents to watch her baby for a while.

I called her a few weeks ago to ask if she wanted to come to a club with us and she asked if we could go to a coffee shop instead so she could bring her baby. I asked if there was no one who could watch her baby (she lives with her husband who works from home, and her in laws), to which she replied that she’ll feel insane mum guilt if she goes to a club and leaves her baby at home.

I said I understood but that I really needed a night out, but we could do coffee the next day. She texted me the following day asking why I had such a big problem having her child around. I was baffled because I’m the one constantly changing plans to accommodate her son, but I asked her to understand me for one night. I really needed a night out and didn’t want to be in a coffee shop.

She sounded agitated by my reasoning but left it at that. Now…the girls trip is coming in a week. I didn’t really tell her about the trip because I knew she couldn’t come alone but she heard it from another friend. She jokingly asked why I didn’t invite her to which I laughed off because I felt so awkward.

I told her she was welcome to come as always and I would love to have her there. I thought the call was an indication that she would come alone. She called the next day to ask if the resort we were going to be staying at was child friendly. I said it wasn’t as we were looking for more of a club atmosphere and that’s what it was.

She then said she couldn’t make it then if it wasn’t going to properly accommodate her son in the activities we do. I said I understand and that I’m sorry. I got a call from her older sister last night calling me all sorts of names because I didn’t want my best friend's son to come on the girls trip and that I’m being childish. I’m genuinely still in such shock and don’t know how to even type what I’m feeling right now.

We haven’t had proper fun together in ages because it’s either we’re too busy caring for my best friend's baby, or a few of us were missing because of c--id etc. This is the first time we’ve all been together since we graduated undergrad and started our masters. We’ve been having hectic years and just wanted one carefree holiday. So, AITA for wanting our annual girls trip to actually be a girls trip?

Edit - I tried to hint once that I wanted my birthday a few months ago to be just us but she laughed it off and made a joke about how her and her son are attached by the hip and she couldn’t leave him. She asked if we could minimize how much alcohol there was going to be so she could bring her son.

The internet had a lot of thoughts.

OneMikeNation wrote:

Info: what does the other 4 women think about not telling her of the plans?

OP responded:

We all wanted to just be up front with her about wanting her to come alone but she’s a very sensitive person and definitely wouldn’t take it well. That’s why we decided to keep it on the down low and just bring it up randomly this week.

nobracketsociety wrote:

I'm going to go with NTA, but be prepared to potentially lose that friendship. You're allowed to invite whoever you want to the girl's night, but maybe have a separate, more low-key get together with the best friend if you still want to stay friends. I don't think it's fair for her to bring the baby every single time, but I also don't think it's fair to only do adult-exclusive activities.

OP responded:

Yeah for sure, but I think that’s what the problem is. 99% of the time we meet up, we go to the park or a cafe so she can bring her son. We rarely ever do anything without her and her son. Which is why we are desperate for this girls trip. We love her and her son but it’s been a long time without us having actual fun to be honest.

tripletmom961 wrote:

OP your friend is being ridiculous. When my TRIPLETS were little my husband encouraged me to get away for a girls' weekend trip and he stayed home with them when they were around 13 months old.

They are grown now and have turned into wonderful adults (daughter will be heading to Med school soon; one son is a firefighter and the other son manages a restaurant). We have a great relationship. added bonus: they are very close to their dad because of all of the time he spent with them growing up.

OP responded:

Aww that’s so wholesome 🥺 you and your husband sound like amazing parents and partners. I wish my friend let her husband take up any sort of responsibility with their son but she doesn’t. She sees her son as hers and not theirs. Not sure how he feels about it.

Fantastic-Sea-9903 wrote:

NTA. It goes both ways. You make an effort to accommodate her needs. Does she make one to accommodate yours? Granted she is a mother now so her priority is her child. Did you cut her off when she was pregnant? No.

Did you cut her off after the 3rd time (I assume there's been 3 occasions from the way you describe it) she asked you to change your wants to accommodate her needs? No, you accommodated her. Did you simply not invite her on the holiday? Not by the sounds of it. It sounds like you extended the invitation and she rejected it as it is.

Its strange that she is so concerned with what you do on your own time. If she cant make it thats not your fault. If she doesn't want to get child care thats not your fault. You're your own person and she is hers.

You each have your own life and not all social interactions must overlap. Why can't you go to the club without her and then meet up with her in the future at a coffee shop also? I'm sure you have been unable to attend certain social events because of personal circumstances.

Does that mean every other person going to that event can no longer go? Of course not! A conscious and repeat effort has been made on your part. You havent shown examples here of selfishness by any means. You get to have your own social life too in the way you want to have it.

OP responded:

It’s been a lot more than 3 occasions. Also, she doesn’t like it when us 5 go out together without her. I can understand how that must make her feel but for her to ask us to not go clubbing and just go with her to a coffee shop instead every time, rubs me the wrong way.

I posted a picture of me on a date at a pub on Instagram and she messaged me saying “have you become an alcoholic for a tinder date?”...what does that even mean?

Badger-of-horrors wrote:

NTA. Drop all the hints. Drop all the subtlety. "We want a night for adults only. I'm sorry if this isn't possible for you, but we're trying to warn you in advance so you can make accommodations for your son." Every event doesn't have to be baby friendly. Every event CAN'T be baby friendly, that's not how life works. Encourage her to feel therapy.

OP responded:

I sent her a message once saying “is anyone available to watch sons name tonight? Let’s go watch the game at the pub”, it was the euros final and that was a huge game. We’re English and it was England vs Italy.

She replied saying “come over, we can watch it here”. I called her and said it was too big of a game to watch at home so although we appreciate the offer, we would be going to the pub and she could join us if she likes. She didn’t reply and ignored my texts for about a week.

A month later, OP shared an update.

So...for anyone who read my previous post and shared their advice, thank you and here’s an update. So we went on our girls trip and had the best week we had since before the pandemic started. We all kind of chose to not speak about the issue with our friend and just have a good time, and sort out the issue when we got back home.

The day after we got back, I texted my best friend and asked if we could come over and see her and her son and also to deliver the gifts we had gotten them during the trip. She read the message and hadn’t replied for 3 days. I called her husband just to ask if she was ok and he said she was and he doesn’t know why she wasn’t responding to me. Anyway I decided not to double text as I didn’t want to nag her.

She texted back after 3 days with an essay like response explaining how disappointed she felt that I thought she would give up days of motherhood just to drink and “be a skank”.. good to know what she thinks of us then lol.

She ended the message by saying she and her husband are trying for another baby and she doesn’t have the mental capacity to deal with our “crap”. After which, she left all the group chats and blocked us all on every social media platform.

So…that's that I guess. Best friends since year 4 and this is how our friendship has ended. Still baffled to be honest, but maybe it was for the best. Hoping I’ll see the good in this one day.

Thank you so much to everyone that responded, and happy new year lovelies :)

The internet was glad to hear from OP again.

Togarsucks wrote:

Most people grow apart from their childhood friendships, and sometimes it happens very abruptly. She made the decision to have a child at a very young age. That is a life changing thing and it makes sense that she is giving up a lot of things that people experience in their 20’s.

The problem is that she expected her entire group of friends to give up those same things to accommodate her and reacted coldly when you all continued to live your lives the same way most people do in their early 20’s. It sounds like you guys made a lot of concessions for her over the past two years, and if she can’t appreciate that you are probably better off without her.

Vcccccc wrote:

Can I just say your friend is nuts! I had a baby at 19 I did lose a few newer uni friends in the process mostly drifting apart. My oldest friends loved her my best friend since year 4 is her godmother but I made sure right from the start that I had at least a 50/50 split. For each time we did something child friendly we would do something just for us.

I chose to have a baby they were students with no interest in kids. Now my friends even the ones who don’t like kids are cool with my kid and willingly interact. My kid learned that 1, she doesn’t get to be involved in everything I do, 2 everyone is allowed some time to themselves and 3 everyone is allowed to develop their own friends and relationships.

Honestly it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship if she can’t be away from her kid for a few hours. She’s going to be one of those mothers harassing teachers because “my baby needs me”. I still deal with those mothers. The ones where the kid is 19 but can’t email to ask a question about homework on their own.

I have legit had a parent call me to complain that I didn’t inform her of her daughter’s progress, the daughter was 22. That is the road your friend is going down. Sadly there’s nothing you can do and there’s no reason you should have to give up your trip to accommodate her kid.

tkdwarriorprincess wrote:

Sometimes as sad as it is people grow apart and are on different paths. I’m sorry you lost a long term friend and who knows maybe one day you’ll find a way back together.

Following up on your earlier post, you did everything possible to accommodate and think about her while you were on the trip. If she’s choosing this then unfortunately it’s her loss because you and your friends sound like fun and awesome people.

ewearehere wrote:

She's shot herself in the foot long term. Very silly, but at least you can all move on without worrying about her. She's chosen to focus entirely on her baby, forgetting she needs a life of her own, too. Not much you can do about it.