'AITA for not inviting my brother and his family to my daughter’s wedding?'

"AITA for not inviting my brother and his family to my kid’s wedding?"

My (old) kid (not old) was married a while ago. I was asked by other relatives and friends why my brother had not received a save the date or an invitation to my kid’s wedding. (I’m deliberately trying to be vague.) Anyway, I asked my kid if they could expect an invitation and was told, “Of course not!” I hope everyone will be happy to know that the wedding went off without a hitch.

No bridezilla, no groomzilla, no momzillas, no dadzillas (is that a thing?), no drama llamas, etc. Everything was beautiful and perfectly well done. I was probably the most nervous one there, as I wanted a perfect day for these kids and our families. I got what I wanted and so did they. Winning!

My brother and I have had a tumultuous relationship for the first few decades and I am not ashamed to say this was all my fault. Later revelations, thanks to therapy, have revealed that my behavior may not have been the best and Freud was right. This was decades ago.

None of my behavior was ever related to my brother, nor was he ever a target. We had normal sibling squabbles, but nothing dire. Mom is dead now and I have made peace with the past.

When I got married, my spouse and I moved quite a bit because of the job. We eventually moved back to my home town when my child was starting middle school. We stayed with my father till we bought a house. I thought I could and actually had reconnected with my brother and his family. Maybe not…

The first time ‘The Birthday Party’ happened, I thought it was overlooked. There is one month out of the year when a whole bunch of people have the same birthday. My brother and his in-laws have this party every year once it became apparent that there would be multiple parties in that same month. My kid also shares this birth month with my brother, one of his kids, and some of his in-laws.

We were, I thought, whole heartedly invited to attend. I assumed my kid would be one of the celebrated as kid’s birthday was no secret. He knows when it is. My brother received a birth announcement and we had celebrated my kid’s birthday when my family had visited, etc. I even had a small gift tucked away in the car for my kid specifically for this party.

Well, not only was everyone, other than my father and brother, surprised to see us…most of them weren’t even introduced to us. The cake had everyone’s name on it except my kid’s name. Everyone was called out to get all their presents except my kid’s name and mine would have been the only gift.

My kid was sad and I could only say that perhaps they forgot because we spent most of our kid’s life far from this place. My father and I did mention to my brother that we felt a mistake had been made and my kid felt left out, sad, etc. My brother actually apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again.

The next year. It happened again. We said we couldn’t stay, we wished everyone a happy birthday, and since we drove separately from my father….we just left. Turn around time? 3 minutes. None of us smiled.

My father invited them to many of MY small family celebrations. I was cordial. I would never turn anyone away. I thought I was at least connecting with his kids as I missed most of their growing up and the cousins hadn’t had much time together. I gave birthday presents, invited them swimming, etc. I thought I was ‘correcting’ this cousin divide and they could all be friends. I was delulu. I admit it.

Those kids of his used me for anything and everything they could. They actually got me in trouble with their parents with their lies. They always needed money for something and their parents were at work. Always needed rides. Always needed something that their ‘new’ relative was willing to provide to keep peace, be helpful, and create bonds. I. Was. An. Idiot.

One day, almost two years after the second birthday party disappointment, my kid became the parent. “Do you not see what they are doing? Do you not feel used? Why are you just accepting this disrespect!?”

Wait, what? We actually sat down, had a heart to heart, and my kid laid it all out for me opening my eyes. My kid told me to quit hanging around with them as they were bad for me. Whoa! My kid, that didn’t even have a driver’s license yet, just schooled me and was a hundred percent in the right. I slowly distanced myself, was less available, didn’t have the money, etc.

These kids eventually quit contacting me altogether. My brother and his wife never contacted me. Christmas and birthdays were still observed….for a while. I observed their birthdays. No one observed my birthday, my spouse’s birthday, (you guessed it!) my kid’s birthday. I was invited to their kids’ weddings.

I sent a little something when they got married, but did not attend the weddings. My kid actually said, “They want your money.” I kinda believe it now. Fast forward …. My kid met their love in college, moved with to a new place, and they got engaged. When they sent save the date cards….well, Uncle and family did not get one. Invitations went out. Not for Uncle and his family.

I was only asked by my father one time if they were invited and I had to ask the kid why because they still might send money or a gift off the registry. The reply was, “Hell No! Of course not! They don’t know me, but I know them! I don’t want anything from them.” Alrighty then.

Kid’s wedding. Kid’s flex. We may be paying for it, but the guest list is theirs and I felt like it was our job to grant their wishes on their most special of days.

After the joyous day, and off and on for the last year or so, I have been asked why my brother and his family weren’t invited. “They’re family!” Is often heard in their questioning. (I find it odd that people ask ‘why they weren’t invited’ and not ‘why didn’t they come’) I believe those asking know one side of the story but not the other. I see no need to explain it. I’ve been told that I should have extended the invitation.

It was my responsibility to oversee my side of the family being invited. In other words, it’s my fault. Some even try to make it seem like it is the kid’s fault, too. “Why not invite them? They might have not even shown up.” Is not a chance to take with my kid’s happiness.

Mutual friends have asked if I (or my kid) hate my brother and his family. I hate what transpired. I hate that it is the way it is but there is no hostility. It’s apathy at best. It has been subtly suggested that that is our fault as well.

I firmly believe that you do not need to die on a hill for every family member. I think my kid doesn’t even consider them family after the way they treated her (well, forgot she existed), but mostly how they all treated me.

I do not think I ATA and I WILL FIGHT ANYBODY THAT THINKS MY KID IS! I think I did the right thing by allowing the kids to have their day. I am willing to accept judgement and hope that this helps anyone else in this type of situation. Dealing with family is tricky. Soooooo, AITA for not inviting my brother or his family to my kid’s wedding?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

AmbushBugged said:

Return the question with: Why do you want to know? or Why do you care? or I couldn't tell you. Also, Why are you asking me? “Why not invite them? They might have not even shown up.” Answer: You sure?

You could even make stuff up. Go outrageous. "He drives a Chevy, we're a Ford family". "Mars was in retrograde" . Be creative, No one really deserves an answer.

OP responded:

I am totally feeling “Mars was in retrograde.” I think that would stun them and give me enough time to escape!😂

Loud_Independent3273 said:

No, you are NTA. It was your brothers choice, how much (or rather little) he wanted you and also your family in his and his family's life and he made that choice a loooooong time ago.

Fluffy_Ad4250 said:

You and your kid are NTA. I think you did your best, tried to turn it around. You went out of your way to build a bridge and to be met half way. But two years in a row that your kid was not included in the birthday month bananza party and you got a “it won’t happen again” and it did.

Your kid has wisdom beyond their years and credit to them to get you to really look at what the cousins were really up to (using you because they could - I would suggest that this idea wasn’t probably all their own - I think some adults were involved too!) But your brother’s side of the family haven’t been in touch - shocker. It’s cos they know that the way they treated you wasn’t right.

Be civil if you need to be in contact, be polite if you need to talk. But don’t put yourself out, clearly you were of more use to them, than they were to you.

You don’t need them.

weirdestgeekever25 said:

NTA. The best thing I ever did was rejecting my cousins wedding invitation after being treated like crap and seeing what they did to my grandparents and how they treated them like crap for years. Cant wait to NOT invite them to my wedding

Sweet_Vanilla46 said:

NTA but I’d be putting the real story out there. Screw his narrative.

OP responded:

Had I thought enough about it back then, I would/should have. It’s been so long. I just want this to die. There is nothing to be done about it. This poor dead horse.

Successful_Voice8542 said:

I personally would come up with a short concise answer. Something like, "My child suffered years of disrespect from her uncle's family so decided they didn't want to experience any drama on their special day. Can't say I blame them. But that's the end of the story. So what plans do you have for the summer?"

OP responded:

I feel like that may expand drama when all I want is for everyone that can get along to do so. I don’t want lines drawn in sand. I’m too old to fight battles that I feel are not winnable….for anybody.

Truth_Hurts318 said:

NTA I have learned to turn it around on people who ask intrusive questions or make inappropriate comments. "Hmm, it's interesting that you feel comfortable asking me something so personal. You shouldn't (feel comfortable)." "Wow, how strange that you feel it's acceptable to talk to me like that. It isn't."

TravellingWench said:

Clearly not the arsehole. I just wondered if you ever spoke with your brother about why he treated you this way?

And OP responded:

Not really. I thought any issues we might have had in the past were taken care of in the past when I apologized for how my behavior may have affected him. At least, that’s what he artfully articulated to me over 30 yrs ago when I got the help I needed. There were hugs involved! We communicated often when the internet became a thing. We both had AOL accounts!

We didn’t speak often on a phone or anything. Updates were by cards, letters, and then internet. We were separated by miles and miles, but I guess I was the one that thought the distance was only geographical. I don’t know what happened in the years I wasn’t here. However, he was my mother’s only child that was constantly around and she was MY issue.